Saturday, 28 May 2011

Where to begin? How to find the words?

I've re-typed this first sentence about twenty times this evening.

I've tried to type this post every few days for about the past month.

Putting myself out there, like really putting myself out there talking about the dark memories, thoughts and feelings that have consumed me these past seven kind of terrifying!

For a while now i've been feeling like I'm stood on the very edge of a cliff, leaning right over, almost falling. There is a rope tied around my waist secured to a near by tree, it's stopping me from falling. There is a section of the rope that is wearing thin. A new memory, a flashback, a nightmare...snap, snap, snap. Strand by strand the rope is snapping, wearing thinner everyday. Somedays i have hope, a real urge to survive to stay standing on the ground. Other days i feel like taking a knife out of my pocket and cutting the damn thing myself.....and just falling peacefully into the darkness.

Seven months ago I was raped. I struggle a lot using that word, i prefer to say sexually assaulted. There's something about the word rape, it just seems to scream at you in big bold red letters, RAPE. Since the assault i think i've felt every emotion humanly possible. From shock, to denial, to total disbelief. To numb and lifeless, a body without a soul. To anger, to hatred, to grief to confusion. To terror, to panic to hyper-vigilant. To realisation, to acceptance, to the the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. When i was 16 i pulled my shoulder out the socket and it hurt like hell! - I would take fifty shoulder dislocations any day over the agonising pain i have been in the past few months.

It was the Monday just passed which marked the seventh month anniversary. Seventh months sounds quite a while ago, funny as to me it seems like it was only last week. I guess i have a lot of catching up to do with this blog, therefore I ask if there is anyone out there reading this to please bare with me.

Now is not the time to go into details of my story, right now the details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that i knew my abuser, that he was a trusted friend who took advantage of a nice caring girl who was just trying to help him get his life back on track. I know this now but it took me a long time to accept this, in fact i often still place blame on myself. I'd like to hope that no woman (or man!) ever has to go through the physical and emotional torment that has been my life these past few months, but with a 1 in 4 statistic of women being sexually assaulted, I'm devastated to say, I'm by no means the only one...

...This blog is dedicated to every survivor, male or female of rape or sexual assault. To every historical case, present case and future case. Whilst i am using this blog as an aid in my healing journey i would get great satisfaction if my blog helped just one person. Made one person feel less alone, or encouraged someone to break the silence or even go as far as taking legal action. Now i am part of the battle i won't give up my fight, and i certainly wont give up our war. 
This is The War on Rape.