Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Acidic Deception

Acidic Deception

She speaks the words of betrayal
I cannot hear
I cannot see
The words bring confusion
It makes no sense
How can this be?

Seeking solace on the tiled floor
Why the bathroom gives me comfort
I cannot say
I am not sure

The words she spoke rise up in me
Come spilling out
Into the toilet
Acid burns the back of my throat

Time soon passes
I'm glued to the spot
I try to move, the bond is too strong
Eyes fixated on the same spot
In a trance from those twisted words

Mouth hangs open, still in surprise
Tongue runs dry
I feel nothing and yet,
I feel everything

The swirling vortex of crap inside me,
Hurricane insanity
Becomes too much to bare

The way to get off the bathroom floor,
 becomes clear
A flash of silver
A trickle of red

One stroke
Two stroke
Three stroke
I crave the pain,
But it's there no more

Release over
The shame kicks in
The glue has dissolved
The ability to stand seems to have resolved

Walking hunched, back to the sheets
Thinking of all the lies, 
All the deceits 
How much more  can one person take?
Through much uncertainty, of one thing I'm sure...

...The future holds many visits to the bathroom floor. 

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Betrayal, on a whole new scale.

I promised myself i would reach out more and post more regularly. Im afraid when something is happening, it takes a hold of me and i am to depressed or sane enough to write about it constructively. I have to write about it when i am ready to. For that i hope you will be patient with me. Taken me a while to get the energy and write but here goes.

So the man who assaulted me works at my local hospital, where i worked (i've left now due to this) and where my sister and friends still work. With reporting it to the police i thought even if he is not convicted there is a good chance of him loosing his job because he works with vulnerable adults...i didnt realise this but his boss is friends with him outside of work and she believed his lies of innocence. When he wasn't prosecuted he was able to return to work, i've not stepped foot in the hospital since.

I have always told my family and friends if they ever see him to please tell me, i know it would hurt me but i wanted to know and i was desperate to find out if he really did return back to work because if he had left, it meant i could continue to work in the place that i love, conveniently 5 mins from my house.

On friday night in a round-a-bout way, my sister revealed something which has shaken me terribly. She told me that she has infact seen him twice around the hospital and kept it from me. It really hit me hard. I think because i have not seen him for 8 months, all that is left of him are the memories that swarm my head. For the longest time he has felt 'not real' if that makes any sense. Like he haunts my memories but he isn't really living out there. Knowing my sister had seen him with her eyes made him so so terrifyingly real to me again. But this wasn't the worst part, i then started asking questions 'why didnt u tell me' 'where did u see him' 'did he see you, recognise you?' 'did you say anything'. She kept dodging all my questions and trying to escape.
My sister works on the nurse bank in the hospital as a carer, she covers sickness and leave on all wards, so work rings her and offers her shifts on wards which she then accepts or declines. She then tells me...that a month or so ago, she accepted a shift on HIS ward and worked with HIM! How could she do this to me? What would possess her to go on that ward knowing the man who R* me and destroyed my entire life would be there? how could she work alongside him? how could she not scream at him, punch him, kick him, defend me? I am so confused and hurt and angry as to why she would do this? Knowing that she has worked alongside HIM is destroying me i cant make sense of it. After she told me i went to the bathroom and threw up. She was acting like it was no big deal saying 'well its not like i talked to him or anything' - Oh yeah CHEERS!! I stayed glued to the bathroom floor for hours, images swirling in my head, just knowing she was in the same vicinity of him sends my stomach churning. I sat on the cold tiles and stared at the same spot on the wall in some sort of trance. I lost it.

My mum comes upstairs to check on me, sees the state of me. says to my sister 'see i told you you shouldnt've told her'....so my mum knew too! Knew she had worked with him, had seen him had lied and kept it from me. I felt so betrayed. I couldn't let out all the crap bubbling inside me, so i used the only way i know how, with SI :(

Many things i had been refusing to allow myself to think about, that i've been running from seemed so real to me now. HE was real once again. In my distressed i started to search for ways to SU, awful ways, terrible ways, terrible things i went to do. The only thing that stopped me was knowing it wouldn't be enough to work. By this time hours had passed and they were both asleep. In the silence of the night i packed my things and left with no idea as to where i was going to go. My ex-boyfriend who i am still close to, came and got me. I've been staying at his house ever since.

After speak to friends of mine who work at the hospital they shared me anger and how they could never do that. They said they would never go on his ward and want to see the face of the man who did those awful things to me and got away with it, said they couldn't hold themselves back for screaming in his face. They said they would never do that to me, so why would my sister?

I know my mum and sister kept it from me because they knew me knowing he had been seen would upset me, and yes of course it has, but no where enough as knowing my sister deliberately sought him out and worked a 7.5 hour shift alongside the man who r* me. Its not like she said 'yeah i saw him in the hall, gave him the most disgusting look i could give and turned and walked in the opposite direction'

I dont know, i just need to know peoples thoughts, am i right to be this angry and hurt? am i being silly or childish? am i over reacting? Urgh, i just don't know what to do anymore, my life is a mess already without having to deal with this from my own family.

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

'Too unpleasant to remember, to tragic to forget'

Apologies for not posting recently, a lot has come to my attention since this whole mess with the CPS. I thought it was my anti depressants keeping me numb, stopping me from feeling and causing everything to become repressed. Recent events have made me realise I was partially responsible for being numb and brushing it all under the carpet. To be honest i'm scared to let it out...it just might kill me.

I want to share with you a quote from a good friend of mine 'Too unpleasant to remember, to tragic to forget' it is relatable to this post. I want to share how i had the epiphany that it was I who was repressing everything going on inside of me.

In therapy I'm always moaning about how numb i feel. How i crave to cry over what i have been through, how i want to face it all, sieve through it and begin to process it all so i can move on in my healing journey. I have always blamed this on my antidepressants, i even begged my GP to half my dose so i could feel something, anything. After being this way for a while my therapist suggested guided imagery. She warned it could open me up and bring out some things and that she wasn't sure if i was ready. I said i was fed up of being numb and ready to start dealing with it all.

The session begun with me closing my eyes and relaxing into my chair. I did deep breathing exercises to the sound of her voice until i was completely relaxed. She then guided me into a circular room, there were no doors or windows, it was completely empty. She then begun asking me questions about what i could see, hear, smell, touch in the room. At first i found it difficult, seeing nothing. Then out of no where.....i saw it. At the opposite end of the circular room was a white bed, 'thee' white bed. It was clean, plain and bright white, almost clinical looking. The bed sheets on the bed were ones i recognised. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes, something which hadn't happened for a while. She asked me to go sit on the bed. I said i couldn't. Instead she told me to walk over to the bed, she guided me step by difficult step until i was stood next to it. I could feel my hands start to tremble. Whilst i was there she asked me what i felt when i looked at this bed, i replied with coldness, hatred and emptiness, i wished the bed didn't exist. She told me to burn the bed, asked me what i want to use as fuel, i used petrol, i flung it all over the bed until the canister was empty, then i lit a match and slowly flicked it onto the bed. The bed was quickly ablaze, bright reds yellows and oranges engulfed the bed. Oddly the fire was cold, i felt no heat coming from the flames. Suddenly to my left a door appeared in the room, i walked out of it shutting the door behind, it lead me onto 'his' landing. I ran down the stairs and out the front door onto the street where i walked away leaving the burning bed behind. I was then brought out of my relaxed state.

After this i was asked to draw the first thing that came into my mind. This is what i drew:
The white bed but without any detail (detail makes it more real) the slant of 'his' wall and the blue colour of the walls. All surrounded by a dark mass of evil, terror, pain and hurt. It's strange how an object can have such a massive impact, i wonder what it would say if it could talk? The dark memories it holds. I despise this bed, i wish i could burn it for real, i hate that it exists.

After therapy i was very shaken up but pleased i had unlocked something. My therapist said she was proud of me as i had never mentioned anything about 'it' before. I felt i had achieved something. On the drive home however things changed, i suddenly got the imagine in my head of sprinklers coming on and putting out the fire  , when it was diminished the bed remained. It was black and burnt....but it remained. Then out of no where i experienced the worst body memory i have had in a long time. I couldn't get away from his touch. It was there, it felt so real, i freaked out and had a major panic attack luckily managing to carry on driving. When i got home it felt like there were so many images pushing against the side of brain trying to force their way out, i fought really hard to keep them at bay, suppressing them into my subconscious and then it hit me. It was ME that was suppressing it all along. I'd just been doing it without realising, now it had been brought to my attention, i knew it was me. Sure the antidepressants played their part in keeping me numb but they weren't the sole cause. My body had had too much and gone into complete shutdown and i was so terrified of facing it all again that i just started running. Running from the memories, from the hurt and the pain, running from my trauma with the legal system. I've realised that i haven't been ready to face it all, i really want to face it and deal with it, but perhaps I'm just not ready to. Unfortunately now with my meeting with CPS happening on friday i am forced to face it all again, to re-live it, to talk about what happened when i haven't uttered a single word of the incident for seven months now.

To say i am terrified is an understatement.