Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Running. Masks. Despair

Recently had another wave of depression swoop over me, leaving my blog a little neglected the past week.

Went away over the weekend to Wales, to a little town i have visited every year since i was a baby. In fact its the 3rd time i've been this year and im going back again in a couple of weeks. Its really my second home, i often dream of running away from my city with all its reminders and abuser ever present lurking somewhere in these city streets. Running far far away to my little quiet village in wales where no body knows my history, knows what im running from. Where there is no fear of running into 'him'. I wish it was a possibility.

I thought that getting away might lift this depression slightly, but it hasn't. I have come back feeling as a low as over. I can't seem to shake that as of tomorrow it will be September the 1st - the month i met my abuser. After that will be October - the month 'it' happened, one year ago. Im not sure how i am going to get through this.

I have no therapy this week as my therapist is in court all week. Its scary how much i rely on these weekly meetings, that one hour (sometimes two) every week where i can take off my mask, and be the girl who is suffering to survive after her rape. The rest of the time i am the girl who is 'ok' after surviving a bad trauma. I get so tired of wearing this mask. Its an exhausting week knowing i don't have that one hour outlet to verbally puke out all the thoughts swimming in my head and have them listened to and receiving a supportive response.

Like i said, its scary how much i depend on my therapist. On that hour.
Till next week i guess im stuck to deal with this despair on my own.
Oh well....rant over....

.....time to put back on that smiling mask!

Wednesday, 24 August 2011


Yesterday was my 10 month anniversary.

I was so dissociated and disconnected that a few days back somehow i managed to book an afternoon shift at work on that date.I woke up in the morning feeling so down and like i just wanted to sleep and never wake up. So i laid between the sheets and went back to sleep. At 12pm my alarm went off for work. Feeling this crappy i didnt want to go to work. But i got up, I turned off my alarm and saw the date....then it all clicked. No, more like exploded. BOOM. memory, memory, flashback, memory. Being so disconnected meant i now had to go to work on my anniversary. I didn't know how i would get through, especially when it turned 6pm...roughly when the assault happened. But i had to go, so i went.

My tactic was to continue using a tool i am very good at. Dissociate from the date and what it meant to me. I spent the shift trying to push down all the stuff that was trying to seep out of my subconscious. I made it to 6pm which is when luckily they sent me on my break. I just sat in the staff room staring into space like a brain dead zombie. Thinking about what was happening at this time 10 months ago. I felt so empty and lifeless, i felt no pain, no emotion, nothing. Is that normal? Shouldn't i have been distraught and crying, feeling sick, shaking? Thats how they normally go! On the one hand i am so fed up of being disconnected from it all but then on the other hand i know I AM the one that keeps myself disconnected, because sometimes when the connections start to form i can feel myself disconnecting them again. Why am i doing this??

I made it to the end of my shift and came home at 9.30pm. Got in between the shifts, and talked to a fellow survivor online. Shed some tears with her.

What scares me the most about anniversaries is that it is month closer to the one year mark. Something i am TERRIFIED of. My next anniversary will be 11 months....the next,....1 year! I don't understand how it has almost been a year, that seems impossible, it feels like only three months ago. Where has this time gone??

I am curious as to when its  been one year, do begin counting your anniversary as years now rather than months? Cause i have a feeling im going to still be counting the months (13 months, 18, months, 24 months). Is that strange and obsessive? At what point does it become yearly? Because monthly ones are damn exhausting!

Saturday, 20 August 2011

Is this what crazy feels like?

Im not going to deny i can be pretty hyper-vigilant at times, given everything i have gone through i guess its understandable but tonight reached whole new levels of craziness! Maybe it's because of what happened at work yesterday i don't know, but tonight i became sure there was someone in the house.

I was sat in my room, talking to friends on the laptop, when i begin hearing noises downstairs. I brush it off as the wind, but it continues. Before long i hear a mans quiet voice. I freeze. I'm alone in the house.....what is that noise?

I assure myself that both doors are locked, that no one is downstairs and to stop being silly. But I am now listening intently, barely breathing, my heart beats faster as I deffinately now can hear male grunting and movements sounding like walking.

Thinking logically I think if someone was in the house they'd be stealing and making a lot more noise than that also they would know I was in and wouldn't they come upstairs! Both doors are locked, no no, no one could be in the house. It would be silly to call the police and waste their time....

But I continue hearing these noises, wind can't be in my living. I'm frozen stiff. I text my mum who is at work, she said she is finishing soon and will be home in half an hour. I try to calm down but I couldn't, kept continuously hearing a male voice and movement. My friends online kept tael ing me to call the police. I just didn't want to look stupid when they got here and no one was here! Then a big truck races down my street and parks near my drive with two men in the front. I've never seen this truck in my life. I'm now thinking is that what the burglar downstairs was waiting for. The noises downstairs get louder. I finally think fuck this, and call the police. Whispering down the phone I think there might be a man in my house. In less than 10 minutes a huge police van with 3 offices pulls up outside. The noises stopped.

I speak to them out my window, afraid to go downstairs. They say they can see no signs of entry and ask me to come open the door. Holding my breath I go downstairs.

Twat. Of course there is no one there!!

I open the door to the offices who come in and look round the whole house for me. Nothing. Oh my god I felt so stupid!! I told them I'd be listening to this noise for about Half an hour before I called them. Told them about the van.

Well they left, probably disappointed they didn't get to ambush some criminals. I apologised saying I wouldn't have called if I wasn't frightened and sure I could hear it. They said it was ok, they'd rather check and be sure there wasn't and that I was safe.

So they left. Leaving me with my embarrassment, craziness and thinking what on earth was that voice!! I hate the way being a survivor affects you :-(

Hearing a mans voice, movements, and getting out the police, I'm officially insane.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Struggling with little self worth

Since everything happened, i have very little self worth and don't think very highly of myself. I often can't look myself in the eyes in my reflection in mirrors. I don't like myself very much. 

I am weak

I've struggled bad with something today. At work a 50 year old doctor came onto only 22. Hes older than my dad. Yesterday i thought i saw him taking photos of me at i find out he did. He asked me to meet him after work as he wanted to talk to me about something, said he would meet me by my car. He then suspiciously came out with 'dont worry im not a rapist or a stalker or something'.... who says that?!?! I spent the whole day worried about the end of my shift. At the end as i walked to my car he wasn't in sight, i was so relieved, i got in the car and went to drive off as he popped up next to my car. I got out saying 'oh sorry i forgot you wanted a chat'. He tells me he is very intrigued by me and just wanted to get to know me, but thought i might get into trouble talking at work. He said he doesnt mean me any harm, he just wants to be my friend. He said he likes the way i look.....and liked my tattoo's which made me more attractive. By this point my heart was in my throat. Boom Boom Boom. Said he would like to meet me one time. Gave me his phone number which he had already pre-written. It felt like i was standing there for hours. He told me not to worry that he had deleted them photos, but can he please have another one...i asked him why, he said because i like looking you :bawling: he then said bye....and

stroked my chin :tear: 

I came home and burned the number, went in the shower and scrubbed my chin until it was practically bleeding (i now look pretty stupid!) I feel so sick, so dirty. Im terrified of working back on that ward. I don't know what to do. I feel to scared to report to his superior as he is a respected psychiatrist. Im too scared to report it to my superiors because they know about my r* and if i then tell them this...will they just think i am a liar.

I think any other person probably could have brushed this off, thinking 'eww pervert'. But because of what ive been through, i dunno its triggered me so bad.

But most of all.....i hate myself!!!!!!! Since my r* i've said to myself should anything ever happen similar or where i feel threatened i am going to stand up for myself and fight. Im going to be brave. Today i literally just stood there, scared little girl, telling him 'sure thats ok! and yeah sure we can meet!' WHAT THE FUCK! i'm such a coward, i feel like someone should just shoot me i'm so pathetic.

Im also now wondering, do i attract people that are sick and twisted in the head???? Do i have victim written on my forehead? Am i set up for a lifetime of abuse, or inappropriate sexual behavior towards me?

Maybe i should just allow people to abuse me, if thats all i am worth

I don't know what to do :confused: 

Monday, 15 August 2011

Little Red

Little Red

There once was a girl full of hopes and dreams
Saw the world through pure eyes, complete at the seams.
Heart of gold,
Smile of an angel,
that anyone who tried to take was not able.

With sparkling blue eyes, believing good conquers evil,
Fairytales were reality, no one was deceitful.
Untill this girl turned twenty one, the promise of fairytales was soon gone.
The castle crumbled
the prince did not show
She tumbled into the dark rabbit hole below.

Little red, little red
Don't blame yourself
for all thats dead
his smiling lie
that wolf was cunning
from his evil your now running
Bleeding, wounded
Oh little red
Its not your fault
Its not your fault

Left with the destruction, red cape on the floor
Her heart understands, red is here no more.
The wolf walked free with all he took,
Shes nothing left to give
She curls into the darkness
She has no strength left to live

The castle's burning bright, this hole is six foot deep
At the bottom lies her secret, she feels she has to keep.
Settling for this world of grey,
shes afraid to to start the climb
Just wait, little red there is strength in your tears
Just breathe, one day,
You'll be okay.

Little red, little red
Don't blame yourself
for all thats dead
his smiling lie
that wolf was cunning
from his evil your now running
Bleeding, wounded
Oh little red
Its not your fault
Its not your fault 

Friday, 12 August 2011

Lights, Camera....FACE!

I haven't spoken much about the events that brought me to blogger, or what happened on that fateful day. I have a hard time accepting the truth, it's kind of hard to write about when you feel like what your writing never happened. But tonight i find myself awake thinking of one moment. A moment that on the 23rd of October, maybe lasted less than 20 seconds. The moment i tried to escape from my attacker.

It's got me thinking about that moment in many horror movies where the girl, the victim, makes a break for it. Usually its a hot skinny blonde with ginourmous boobs, running in some scary woods wearing nothing but an oversized male shirt. The stereotypical murderer with some freaky-ass mask and terrifying weapon is lurking near by. Before she tries to escape she's normally hiding somewhere, trying to assess the situation, assess the amount of danger she is in. By this point she is afraid but not completely sure about what the hell is going on and just how much danger she is in. Amid the confusion something inside of her tells her there's a good chance she's going to get really hurt. Flight or fight mode kicks in, and typically, shes tries to escape....

....In that moment, she is grabbed from behind and pulled back. Always in movies the camera focus' on the girls face, never the attacker, always the victim. Because her face tells a thousands words, you can see the look in her eyes that she knows she is about to get hurt. That face can be pretty terrifying, more terrifying than the axe murderer in fact. Some actresses are pretty good at pulling this horrific 'face' off. I wonder if in real life anyone has ever caught on camera the real look of a person who is about to be pulled back. The look of the girl who knows what comes next. 

In my story there is no ugly mask murderer, there are no woods, there is no fake boobed blonde bombshell. But there is the attempt of escape. Injuring myself as i tried to slip from his clutches. There is the moment i felt his hands grab my waist and pull me back and im pretty certain....there is that face.

No one knows what my face looked like, i couldn't see it, 'he' couldn't see it, there were no audience who could see it. I can't help but think about what it might have looked like.

My mum has often said to me that no one will ever truly understand the horrors of what happened to me on that day, in that room because no one else was there. If it were in a movie, would they be horrified? Would they be afraid for me? Would they cover there eyes with their hands whilst still peering through the gaps in their fingers so they don't miss what's happening? Would they understand better the trauma that consumes me each and every day? Perhaps they wouldn't find it that scary, i often minimise and invalidate my experience to myself maybe there is a reason why i do that, maybe it wasn't all that bad? There was no axe murderer, there was no weapons used, there was no blood curdling scream.

Is it strange that i sometimes feel the desire for people to see it, to see their reaction? 

I guess this is me looking for validation again! A stage i can't seem to pass. I don't know how to begin accepting what has happened to me and validating to myself, that my experience WAS bad, that it WAS horrific and that i have every right to feel hurt and traumatised...

and most importantly, have the right to heal.

I don't think i will ever watch horror movies in the same way as i used to. I don't think i can ever forget the look upon their faces. THAT is where the horror in horror movies come from. Next time you watch a  horror, don't fear the bad guy.....fear that face.

Friday, 5 August 2011

Music as a healing aid

I find music really helpful as a survivor, when i hear a song that really hits home, that i can really relate to. I love discovering new songs that put into words just how i am feeling. A friend of mine gave me a link to this song and told me to listen to the lyrics. I loved it. Here is the video and below i have posted the lyrics! 

Skillet - "Hero"

I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)

I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (just in time)

I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)

I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today

It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves

I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)

Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me

I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)

A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time

I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive

I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I need a hero
I need a hero

A hero's gonna save me just in time

Thursday, 4 August 2011

Mirror of Inspiration

I thought i'd take this opportunity to share with all of you my mirror of inspiration. This is my mirror in my bedroom which i have filled with my favourite quotes that fill me with strength, courage and inspire me to continue on this dark road we called 'healing' when i feel like giving up the most. I have enlarged the photo so you should be able to read some of them, however please note all of these quotes are featured in my favourite quotes section on the left hand side of my blog. I actually think this is an excellent tool and i read them every time i look in this mirror. I think it can help someone who is going through any sort of difficult time in their life. Perhaps my mirror of inspiration may inspire you do to the same :)

Please comment and share with us the quotes that inspire you!

Monday, 1 August 2011

Stuck in the Greyness

Therapy last week was interesting and quite insightful. It's amazing the power of guided imagery, seems to work well with me and helps me understand the place I'm at. I begun in a bright, sunny and warm field. I was led to a forest with a path running through it. The forest was beautiful, was shaded. Completely safe and peaceful. I could hear the birds singing, feel the warm breeze blowing through the trees. I came to a stream, trickling through the forest with a tiny waterfall. Here there were many butterflies, flying free all around. I was instructed to carry on following the path when I came to the edge of the forest, looking out onto a large open field. My therapist stopped instructing me and asked me what I saw...

I saw a massive field. It was completely empty and the vegetation was dead. I could see the brightness of the sun but couldn't feel the warmth. It was eerily silent. For some unknown reason the field frightened me. I felt threatened, as if I was being watched. I could just make out some hills in the far distant, but I knew I couldn't make it across this field. I just stood on the very edge. Staring outwards.
My therapist asked me to take a step forward onto the field. I told her I couldn't, I wasn't sure what would happen when I took that first step but I knew it wouldn't be very pleasant. I was not able to move forwards.

Knowing I couldn't step forwards my therapist asked me to turn around and go back into the comfort of the woods. As I tried to turn back I found my path blocked. A large stretch of glass prevented me from going back. I could see what lay behind me but couldn't get there.

She instructede to break the glass and return to the safeness and protection of the woods. She led me back through the woods, back to the stream. She asked me how I felt in the woods. I said safe, protected, calm, comfortable. She said if I could have any animal with me, what would it be. For some reason tiger popped into my head. I guess i thought of Princess Jasmine in Aladdin, a sweet cuddly tiger and yet with the ability of protection. The tiger could be my friend, he would protect me. I was then led out of the woods and back to the sunny warm field where I originally started.I then opened my eyes and came out of the guieded imagery.

My T explained that she picked up from the sesaion my fear of beginning to deal with what has happened to me. At the moment I am stuck in a sort of limbo, she called this the Greyness. I am completely comfortable in this Greyness of denial repression and dissociation. I want to move forwards, to begin dealing with and processing the trauma locked inside my brain, but i am afraid to. Scared of what i will find, what may happen. I am unable to turn back now because the past is the past, but im also unable to move forward. She explained she pictured the future as colour, all the colours of the rainbow swirling around together in a big confusing mess. There is lots to sort out. Right now i am happy being numb and comfortable in the greyness.Sometimes being in the Greyness it's easier to repress and forget, sometimes I find myself smiling and even occasionally laughing! I know it's only possible due the disconnection from my trauma, I guess I'm afraid to loose that again and go back to the dark days between the sheets.

I find it amazing that all of this insight can come from guided imagery. I see things the way i never saw them before, i understand the way my brain is functioning at the moment all by describing the images i see in my head.

My therapist told me from now on, whenever i have a nightmare, a flashback or scary thoughts to picture me with this tiger, that i am safe and he is protecting me. I have actually been doing this and it does help, perhaps you the reader might wish to try something like this?

This was a nice guided imagery experience, i have had bad ones in the past. My therapist now wants to work on taking the steps out of the greyness. She wants me (if i am able to) to write out my story, and every thought and every feeling, every inch of me poured out onto the paper and then asks me to read it aloud. She said it might help me connect with whats happened and begin to recognise that this did happen to me.....sounds pretty optimistic if you ask me. I so want to move forward and yet i pretty stable in my denial bubble.