Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Terrified

Past couple of weeks i've been so scared about something approaching. Lots of things have been hard/going wrong lately, i've not been coping very well, drinking, SI and other not nice thoughts BUT I'm still here. Had a friend who's been very poorly and i keep trying tell myself i shouldn't moan about my problems.... but my problems just seem to be overwhelming me and this scary thing happening this week feels like that darn straw thats gonna go break my back.

I've been back at Uni since taking a year out after my r*. My r***st works at my local hospital, and im training to be a nurse, usually my work placements are at this hospital but i've specifically asked to go to this other hospital, a 45 minute drive out my way (when my local one is 5mins down the road) because i can't comprehend bumping into him, can't even think about being in the same building as him. Only now i find out... i'm gonna have too Posted Image

My nursing school is being moved to this hospital only is not opening officially until after i graduate in september. However because our school is so crowded they have moved a bunch of my classes lectures to this new school at the hospital. Monday first day im supposed to go. There are 9 lectures at the moment but i guessing gonna be more. They are real important i can't miss them, and could seriously affect me if i didn't go. Im so terrifed, even typing this im fighting hard to not go be sick. The school is on the edge of the hospital so i dont need to go into the main building. Im gonna drive in, park at the carpark next to the school and walk right in. The only chance i have of seeing him is when driving through the grounds. But even this alone is killing me. Just knowing i'll be in the same vicinity as him ... Posted Image i can't do it. How can i do? I have no idea how people on pandys cope who have to still regularly see their abusers, i have serious admiration for people who do!
Im scared of seeing him
im scared of being in his presence even if it is in a large hospital
Im scared of having a panic attack in front of my class
scared of fainting
being sick
running out
collapsing....

I can't breathe.
Posted by at
Labels: , , , ,

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous28 March 2012 at 22:39

    huge huge hugs hun jumping in your pocket x i wish i could give you some advice to help but i know how hard it is hun so loving support coming your way x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lisa2 April 2012 at 18:12

    I totally know how you feel! My first rapist in high school was all around me. He came to my house almost once a week and got into my friend's circle to keep his eye on me. I couldn't escape him until I moved across the country. I tried to rise above my fear and walk a little taller when he was around. I got stronger through it but it is not easy. You will be in my prayers and just know that this too shall pass. I know you can't see it now but you are so strong and you will get through this. I will pray that God protects you from him and keeps him far away from you that you may never see him while you are trying to move on with your life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just Be Real6 April 2012 at 13:33

    Here listening, and I am very sorry. Safe hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Unknown2 May 2012 at 10:13

    this blog is so brave and so inspiring. keep speaking out. please read my blog from one victim to another. I am trying to give us a voice through dance as words society seems to have a problem with. http://surmonterdance.blogspot.co.uk/ please subscribe and share with friends. stay resilient. hugs x

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)