Past couple of weeks i've been so scared about something approaching. Lots of things have been hard/going wrong lately, i've not been coping very well, drinking, SI and other not nice thoughts BUT I'm still here. Had a friend who's been very poorly and i keep trying tell myself i shouldn't moan about my problems.... but my problems just seem to be overwhelming me and this scary thing happening this week feels like that darn straw thats gonna go break my back.
I've been back at Uni since taking a year out after my r*. My r***st works at my local hospital, and im training to be a nurse, usually my work placements are at this hospital but i've specifically asked to go to this other hospital, a 45 minute drive out my way (when my local one is 5mins down the road) because i can't comprehend bumping into him, can't even think about being in the same building as him. Only now i find out... i'm gonna have too 
My nursing school is being moved to this hospital only is not opening officially until after i graduate in september. However because our school is so crowded they have moved a bunch of my classes lectures to this new school at the hospital. Monday first day im supposed to go. There are 9 lectures at the moment but i guessing gonna be more. They are real important i can't miss them, and could seriously affect me if i didn't go. Im so terrifed, even typing this im fighting hard to not go be sick. The school is on the edge of the hospital so i dont need to go into the main building. Im gonna drive in, park at the carpark next to the school and walk right in. The only chance i have of seeing him is when driving through the grounds. But even this alone is killing me. Just knowing i'll be in the same vicinity as him ... i can't do it. How can i do? I have no idea how people on pandys cope who have to still regularly see their abusers, i have serious admiration for people who do!
Im scared of seeing him
im scared of being in his presence even if it is in a large hospital
Im scared of having a panic attack in front of my class
scared of fainting
being sick
running out
collapsing....
I can't breathe.
I think something is seriously wrong with me.
Today i worked at a place ive never worked before, at a low secure units for criminals who have mental health issues.
I started the shift nervous - as it was all male criminals - but ending up being fine, they were all really nice and friendly, lovely to me, made me drinks. Then i asked the nurse about the unit and she told me about it, said if im interested to read their files....
Well first the guy i'd just been chatting for ages was a baby killer, murdered his baby boy (in his bad mental health state thought he was the devil and killed him)
And then i find out there is a rapist and a man who indecently has exposed himself to his children in the past.
I now have to work with these people. Weird thing is, on another ward about a month ago, i encounted a child molester, it made me so ill, and i refused to nurse him and stayed far far away from this creep, made so uncomfortable. This time.....it didnt phase me! WHY!!!
Is it because i am so disconnected from everything? from my R*? from other people's R*?
Both these incidents were many many years ago and they had both served time for it, they were now serving time for things like stealing etc and were in the unit due to the mental issues they had. But thats besides the point, these people have seriously affected someone elses life, regardless of how long ago it was, regardless of the fact they had served there time. For some reason the fact they were sexual offenders didnt seem to connect in my head....i even played pool with one of them!!! I was thinking i should beating the shit out of this guy with the pool que and yet the feelings of hatred and disgust just didn't connect. WHY! I feel like a freak, i feel like ive betrayed myself and all other survivors out there. Its so hard because its my job and i cant just ignore these people and treat them like shit, but what is bothering me is the fact that it all just didn't phase me. Didn't affect me.
What also is making me feel so disgusting is the fact there was a staff member there that looked quite a bit like my rapist. At first i had a mini attack but then calmed myself down assuring myself it wasn't him. But then he kept coming over and talking to me. He was nice. Whats worse is...i kind of fancied him. WHAT?! i fancied a guy who looks a bit like my rapist! I mean my rapist was tall, dark and quite good looking (what i normally go for) and there are a lot of people who obviously will look like him, and its freaking me out the fact that i am going to be attracted to these people? This is so messed up and confusing me and making me feel so disgusting. But then i can hardly go and change my type in men? Im so sorry to be ranting, im probably not even making any sense, ive just walked through the door in such a daze, i cant explain my behaviour today and its making me hate myself even more. I feel so dirty and disgusting.
Please can someone help me make sense of all this, i feel like such a disgusting freak.
It's almost like i was fine at work, but now im at home the truth is starting to sink in and i feel myself becoming triggered by todays events, i think its going to be a bad night
Please if you dont hate me for how ive behaved today...please sit with me
Yesterday was my 10 month anniversary.
I was so dissociated and disconnected that a few days back somehow i managed to book an afternoon shift at work on that date.I woke up in the morning feeling so down and like i just wanted to sleep and never wake up. So i laid between the sheets and went back to sleep. At 12pm my alarm went off for work. Feeling this crappy i didnt want to go to work. But i got up, I turned off my alarm and saw the date....then it all clicked. No, more like exploded. BOOM. memory, memory, flashback, memory. Being so disconnected meant i now had to go to work on my anniversary. I didn't know how i would get through, especially when it turned 6pm...roughly when the assault happened. But i had to go, so i went.
My tactic was to continue using a tool i am very good at. Dissociate from the date and what it meant to me. I spent the shift trying to push down all the stuff that was trying to seep out of my subconscious. I made it to 6pm which is when luckily they sent me on my break. I just sat in the staff room staring into space like a brain dead zombie. Thinking about what was happening at this time 10 months ago. I felt so empty and lifeless, i felt no pain, no emotion, nothing. Is that normal? Shouldn't i have been distraught and crying, feeling sick, shaking? Thats how they normally go! On the one hand i am so fed up of being disconnected from it all but then on the other hand i know I AM the one that keeps myself disconnected, because sometimes when the connections start to form i can feel myself disconnecting them again. Why am i doing this??
I made it to the end of my shift and came home at 9.30pm. Got in between the shifts, and talked to a fellow survivor online. Shed some tears with her.
What scares me the most about anniversaries is that it is month closer to the one year mark. Something i am TERRIFIED of. My next anniversary will be 11 months....the next,....1 year! I don't understand how it has almost been a year, that seems impossible, it feels like only three months ago. Where has this time gone??
I am curious as to when its been one year, do begin counting your anniversary as years now rather than months? Cause i have a feeling im going to still be counting the months (13 months, 18, months, 24 months). Is that strange and obsessive? At what point does it become yearly? Because monthly ones are damn exhausting!
Since everything happened, i have very little self worth and don't think very highly of myself. I often can't look myself in the eyes in my reflection in mirrors. I don't like myself very much.
I am weak
I've struggled bad with something today. At work a 50 year old doctor came onto me...im only 22. Hes older than my dad. Yesterday i thought i saw him taking photos of me at work...today i find out he did. He asked me to meet him after work as he wanted to talk to me about something, said he would meet me by my car. He then suspiciously came out with 'dont worry im not a rapist or a stalker or something'.... who says that?!?! I spent the whole day worried about the end of my shift. At the end as i walked to my car he wasn't in sight, i was so relieved, i got in the car and went to drive off as he popped up next to my car. I got out saying 'oh sorry i forgot you wanted a chat'. He tells me he is very intrigued by me and just wanted to get to know me, but thought i might get into trouble talking at work. He said he doesnt mean me any harm, he just wants to be my friend. He said he likes the way i look.....and liked my tattoo's which made me more attractive. By this point my heart was in my throat. Boom Boom Boom. Said he would like to meet me one time. Gave me his phone number which he had already pre-written. It felt like i was standing there for hours. He told me not to worry that he had deleted them photos, but can he please have another one...i asked him why, he said because i like looking you 
he then said bye....and
stroked my chin
I came home and burned the number, went in the shower and scrubbed my chin until it was practically bleeding (i now look pretty stupid!) I feel so sick, so dirty. Im terrified of working back on that ward. I don't know what to do. I feel to scared to report to his superior as he is a respected psychiatrist. Im too scared to report it to my superiors because they know about my r* and if i then tell them this...will they just think i am a liar.
I think any other person probably could have brushed this off, thinking 'eww pervert'. But because of what ive been through, i dunno its triggered me so bad.
But most of all.....i hate myself!!!!!!! Since my r* i've said to myself should anything ever happen similar or where i feel threatened i am going to stand up for myself and fight. Im going to be brave. Today i literally just stood there, scared little girl, telling him 'sure thats ok! and yeah sure we can meet!' WHAT THE FUCK! i'm such a coward, i feel like someone should just shoot me i'm so pathetic.
Im also now wondering, do i attract people that are sick and twisted in the head???? Do i have victim written on my forehead? Am i set up for a lifetime of abuse, or inappropriate sexual behavior towards me?
Maybe i should just allow people to abuse me, if thats all i am worth
I don't know what to do 
I promised myself i would reach out more and post more regularly. Im afraid when something is happening, it takes a hold of me and i am to depressed or sane enough to write about it constructively. I have to write about it when i am ready to. For that i hope you will be patient with me. Taken me a while to get the energy and write but here goes.
So the man who assaulted me works at my local hospital, where i worked (i've left now due to this) and where my sister and friends still work. With reporting it to the police i thought even if he is not convicted there is a good chance of him loosing his job because he works with vulnerable adults...i didnt realise this but his boss is friends with him outside of work and she believed his lies of innocence. When he wasn't prosecuted he was able to return to work, i've not stepped foot in the hospital since.
I have always told my family and friends if they ever see him to please tell me, i know it would hurt me but i wanted to know and i was desperate to find out if he really did return back to work because if he had left, it meant i could continue to work in the place that i love, conveniently 5 mins from my house.
On friday night in a round-a-bout way, my sister revealed something which has shaken me terribly. She told me that she has infact seen him twice around the hospital and kept it from me. It really hit me hard. I think because i have not seen him for 8 months, all that is left of him are the memories that swarm my head. For the longest time he has felt 'not real' if that makes any sense. Like he haunts my memories but he isn't really living out there. Knowing my sister had seen him with her eyes made him so so terrifyingly real to me again. But this wasn't the worst part, i then started asking questions 'why didnt u tell me' 'where did u see him' 'did he see you, recognise you?' 'did you say anything'. She kept dodging all my questions and trying to escape.
My sister works on the nurse bank in the hospital as a carer, she covers sickness and leave on all wards, so work rings her and offers her shifts on wards which she then accepts or declines. She then tells me...that a month or so ago, she accepted a shift on HIS ward and worked with HIM! How could she do this to me? What would possess her to go on that ward knowing the man who R* me and destroyed my entire life would be there? how could she work alongside him? how could she not scream at him, punch him, kick him, defend me? I am so confused and hurt and angry as to why she would do this? Knowing that she has worked alongside HIM is destroying me i cant make sense of it. After she told me i went to the bathroom and threw up. She was acting like it was no big deal saying 'well its not like i talked to him or anything' - Oh yeah CHEERS!! I stayed glued to the bathroom floor for hours, images swirling in my head, just knowing she was in the same vicinity of him sends my stomach churning. I sat on the cold tiles and stared at the same spot on the wall in some sort of trance. I lost it.
My mum comes upstairs to check on me, sees the state of me. says to my sister 'see i told you you shouldnt've told her'....so my mum knew too! Knew she had worked with him, had seen him had lied and kept it from me. I felt so betrayed. I couldn't let out all the crap bubbling inside me, so i used the only way i know how, with SI :(
Many things i had been refusing to allow myself to think about, that i've been running from seemed so real to me now. HE was real once again. In my distressed i started to search for ways to SU, awful ways, terrible ways, terrible things i went to do. The only thing that stopped me was knowing it wouldn't be enough to work. By this time hours had passed and they were both asleep. In the silence of the night i packed my things and left with no idea as to where i was going to go. My ex-boyfriend who i am still close to, came and got me. I've been staying at his house ever since.
After speak to friends of mine who work at the hospital they shared me anger and how they could never do that. They said they would never go on his ward and want to see the face of the man who did those awful things to me and got away with it, said they couldn't hold themselves back for screaming in his face. They said they would never do that to me, so why would my sister?
I know my mum and sister kept it from me because they knew me knowing he had been seen would upset me, and yes of course it has, but no where enough as knowing my sister deliberately sought him out and worked a 7.5 hour shift alongside the man who r* me. Its not like she said 'yeah i saw him in the hall, gave him the most disgusting look i could give and turned and walked in the opposite direction'
I dont know, i just need to know peoples thoughts, am i right to be this angry and hurt? am i being silly or childish? am i over reacting? Urgh, i just don't know what to do anymore, my life is a mess already without having to deal with this from my own family.
