After The Storm

Well my anniversary didn't exactly go to plan, decided i couldn't cope with it and smartly *sarcasm* chose to overdose on sleeping tablets. I spent over 30 hours knocked out in my bed, so technically i didn't have a one year anniversary, it didn't exist and i didn't have to deal with it .... seems to be the story of my life lately! Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz!


The days after have been hard, this week i had a very tough therapy session where she forced me to look forwards and write down 'where i am heading,' something i find very difficult as i don't envision much of a future for me. Being positive and hopeful is something i seem to really avoid. I lack the energy and drive to put effort into trying to heal and therefore it seems like I'm forever standing in the same spot, moving neither forwards nor backwards. Where do you find the drive to heal when you have little worth for your life? What is it exactly I'm supposed to be fighting for? What is it about life that is god damn great??....


... today i saw in my local news a story about a young man in my town jailed for five years for sexually assaulting five girls under the age of sixteen, i read on in the story only to read it's someone I KNOW! Someone i used to hang around with when i was younger, a 'really nice' guy who was very clever with lots of ambition. Apparently he's now a music teacher and it was his students he abused. I feel so physically sick, i keep looking at his mug shot photo, i can't help it! There are a lot of things on my facebook about it at the moment, angry facebook status' which led me to being really upset. Im so pleased that these girls have gotten justice, I'm happy everyone has seen him for the sicko he really is, I'm happy people are calling him out on it on facebook but with that happiness also comes a great deal of personal sadness. Perhaps even a selfish kind of sadness .... that i never got this recognition! 'His' name was never published in the papers, 'his' crime was never shared for the world to see, i never had people sticking up for me and i never had the justice i so wanted and deserved... perhaps this is a selfish thought but i can't help but be overwhelmed with jealousy for those very few people who do get justice, validation and perhaps a sense of closure.


I see a great amount of evil in this world, and my eyes have been opened up to more horrors that you don't hear about in the news, the more 'silent' world of sexual and domestic abuse...


Why would i want to live in a world this cruel?

Heart Full of Pain

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 7


With my anniversary tomorrow i have little words. By chance i found this striking photo with a paragraph underneath that manages to describe me exactly. I have included the paragraph below along with the reference to where the writing came from.

the only word to describe this feeling is numb. she cant feel anymore, she cant even allow herself to feel anymore. every time it just ends in disappointment. there is never a happy ending, never ends with a smile. behind those piercing blue eyes is nothing but pain and lost. its obvious when shes crying but she holds those tears back. and so if you look closely behind the smile, youll see the hurt. there is no happiness in this thing called life, at least not for her. no fairy tale ending. just ever present and constant reminders of a life she never dreamed of. a life which she doesnt want to live. a life she doesnt know what to do with. surrounded by things she cant escape and doesnt know how to deal with. past lives coming back to haunt and be relived. nobodys been there for her and no one ever will be. its a self defeating attitude and she knows it but she cant seem to shake it. shes learning the hard way you can only look out for number one. that you are the only one looking out for you. but she doesnt even know how to do that. she doesnt know how to come to her own defenses. how to come to her own rescue. shes stopped believing in friendship. shes stopped believing in love. shes stopped believing in survivng. shes only exsisting. walking around like a puppet. going through the motions she needs to so people dont ask too many questions. she wants to reach out so bad, wants someone close to her. to hear her and be there for her. but when she turns around to find a friend, her own shadow is all she sees. its not the life she dreamed of but its the life shes living. shes been doing it so long that shes a pro now. and so although you may see a smile on that face of hers, know that her heart is full of pain.

Writing taken from and credit given too: http://koolkate.tumblr.com/post/908767571/a-heart-full-of-pain

Silenced

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 6

This picture is so hauntingly beautiful and tells a thousand words. I don't think i need to give an explanation is to why i relate to this photo so much, speaks for itself. I've been feeling like this girl more and more especially leading up to my anniversary, which is why i have chosen her for Day 6.

Insignificant Dot

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 5


This picture is yesterdays picture. Unfortunately i was unable to post yesterday which i apologise for. The pale blue dot in the photo is Earth from 4 billion miles away, look how insignificant it is on the grand scale of things... what's even more shocking, is imagining how small i am in this photo. If the Earth is an insignificant dot, than what the hell am i and my problems? In the grand scheme of things ....


.... do i really matter?

The Lonely

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 4


Today i have included two photos, these pictures i drew myself in Art Therapy on Monday and yesterday in normal therapy spent a great deal of time talking about. Challenging my opinions on myself and the situations and why I'm struggling to move forwards. It was a tough session. I wanted to share the two photos i drew with you as my emotions for today....

Burden

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 3

Is there something on my back??

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 2
The woman in this photo looks so defeated, sad and lonely. I also get the sense she has given up as she isn't even bothering to struggle with the weight anymore. Her head is turned away from the world, away from the weight on her shoulders.... I relate to this woman.

Tumbling Down the Rabbit Hole

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 1