Friday, 24 June 2011


So I got a reply from the CPS who sent me 2 measly paragraphs of text not even acknowledging anything I wrote after I poured my heart and soul into that letter and was very hard to write! They infuriate me! All they said was sorry for not contacting me and that no one had been in touch with them since April, which is a lie because both my detective and my ISVA have been chasing it up.

Anyway they have finally offered me these dates for my meeting which I'm hoping my detective and ISVA will come for support. I just can't believe they could dismiss everything I wrote and even lie about having no contact!! Something fishy going on here! Seems like they've been hoping I'll just give up, maybe they know they made a mistake! Makes no difference cause they won't admit that to me! How can these people work in the field that they do when it's so obvious they know nothing about how crime affects it's victims! They seem so heartless.

They better dread their meeting with me cause I'm gonna go all ninja on their asses! Shit is gonna hit the fan.....if I can hold it together....which I highly doubt. Had a panic attack before I even opened the damn letter. Never mind meeting them.

Oh Darwin help me!

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Dear 23

23 is all I see,
That number rips a hole in me.
Sends me shaking,
Breathing fast
A reality I find hard to grasp.

23 I dread its arrival,
Between the sheets is key to survival.
Refusing to leave, 
Despite my will
23 It haunts me still.

23 I know your face,
I'm used to being in this place.
Staring up,
The ceilings black
Trying desperately to not look back.

23 Makes dark memories stir,
Reality around me becomes a blur.
3, 2, 1, time travelling back,
No escaping
I'm forced to look back.

23 Please make it stop,
Nightmares, flashbacks
Memory attacks.
All these thoughts within my mind,
Feels like they'll never subside.

23 Your silence screams loud,
Unwanted ghost I hope your happy
I hope your proud.
The tortured girl within my soul,
Never again shall be whole.

Dear 23, because of you,
And all that you have put me through
This girl is hanging,
by a thread
how has she survived? how is she not dead?

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

15 Minutes to go....

In 15 minutes time it will be my eighth month anniversary.

Tomorrow will be a day filled with:
'At this time i was....'
'At this time he was...'

I find anniversaries very exhausting physically and mentally. Its hard because everyone around you forgets. Forgets today is the 23rd, forgets what's running through your mind, forgets what your body is remembering worse than any other day. Eight months already, time just keeps on ticking by. I feel like I'm stuck in the past whilst everything around me continues to keep moving forward. Sometimes i get so jumbled with my days, a few days ago i was convinced it was July and yet i always seem to know when the 23rd is approaching, there has only been one time i forgot and that was a very dark time. I wasn't even aware if it was morning or night let alone the date.

What's been worse about the past two anniversaries is my numbness. I have an inability to feel.....well, anything! No sadness, no grief, no tears, no pain, no joy, no nervousness. During my dark times i would have given anything to not feel. Now i spend my time just wishing to feel anything! All i want to do is cry, and feel the pain like i used to. At least that way i can process it, work through and try to deal with it. At the minute i feel like I'm pushing it all under the rug, saving it for another day and I'm fed up of it. I JUST WANT TO FEEL AND GRIEVE FOR WHAT I HAVE LOST! - is that too much to ask??

What really scares me about it being my eighth month anni is the fact its one month closer to the one year mark. I don't want to reach one year, that day will be a living nightmare. I feel like i'd rather die than face it. It terrifies me. I would love for time to stop still and for me to stay in this moment forever, i don't want life to continue with me having to live like this each and every single day. I don't want to reach that one year mark.

I still have a few months to get yet, i guess for now i just need to focus on getting through tomorrow....

Im going to need a lot of cigarets.....


and alcohol.

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Letter to the CPS (Wanted to share)

Dear *****,

                   I do hope I have sent this letter to the correct recipient if not please forward on this letter to the appropriate person. You won’t realise this but today (15
th June) marks the three month anniversary that I discovered you were not going to prosecute the man who sexually assaulted me on 23rd October 2010. Making this report was the hardest decision I have ever made however I was filled with confidence when I received excellent treatment from the **** police and the full support and dedication from my detective constable *****. I have not been as fortunate with my experience of the legal system and with yourselves. Being a victim of sexual assault has destroyed and disrupted my entire life. I have PTSD, depression, been suicidal, have to see a therapist twice a week, have had to take a year of out of university due to not coping and had to take months off worth without pay due to all of above, and because your decision allowed my abuser to return to work in the same building as me. I haven’t been able to step foot in that building since realising your decision. 

Whilst naturally my experience has destroyed my life another thing has greatly impacted me. And that was my right to justice, my right to a trial in court was taken away from me by your decision. A decision I fail to understand, that my detective failed to understand, that my ISVA at my rape crisis centre failed to understand. After learning your decision I spent an entire 31 days surrounded by darkness in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, was physically sick and fighting suicidal ideations every day. You make your decision and then you forget about me and the impact your decision has had on my life. For three whole months I have been waiting and waiting for a meeting with yourselves to discuss how you came to this decision, so that I could understand why, so that I could ask questions, so that I could have my say and tell you why I disagree with your decision.  So that perhaps, having this opportunity can allow me to try and close this chapter of my life. For three months you have dodged chase ups from my detective and my ISVA. When I was sent on holiday to move me out from my bed I received an answer phone message from yourself, saying you would ring me back the following week....this was now five weeks ago. In what universe is this fair? You have denied me my chance to get justice and you don’t even have the decency to meet me with to explain why! Three whole months has passed since you made your decision and still no word, this is so disgusting I’m beyond words. This whole situation makes me feel physically sick and I now completely understand why 90% of people do not report their abuse to the police. Why would they, when this is how they are treated? Do you have any idea what it is like to be betrayed in the most horrendous way by someone you thought was a nice man who you could trust? Do you know what it’s like to be so confused about the events, you make up excuses for his actions and try to forget that it ever happened? Even speak to him afterwards, even work a shift with him. Do you then know what’s it’s like when the truth starts to sink in the horrors of the incident start to replay in your mind over and over and you begin to hate yourself for the way you handled the situation, for continuing to be nice to this man after he has assaulted you. These past 8 months have been the worse of my life and have been made dramatically worse by your decision. I’m not stupid I’ve done plenty of research I know the conviction rate for reported crimes of this nature in this country is less than 7%, the second worse in all of Europe. Believe me in the future I plan to try and do something about this. But for now all I am asking for is what is right fully mine and that is a meeting to explain why you let my abuser walk free. Why you tore my case down rather than build it up. Why you make this presumed decision about me and the type of person I am without even meeting me. I am not just a case number. Why you had the audacity to state as one of your reasons for not prosecuting is because he ‘stopped himself in the end’ how sexually assaulting someone, attempting to rape them, preventing them from escaping, pulling them back when they try to escape and injuring them is ‘ok’ because he stopped in the end is beyond me. By that logic are you stating that beating a man within in an inch of his life is ok....if you stop yourself in the end? Or someone being raped for three minutes isn’t as bad as someone for 30 minutes, because it didn’t last as long and they stopped in the end? They all stop in the end, it doesn’t matter how far it got. The damage is already done.

I do apologise for the length of letter but I’m sure you can appreciate my anger, my frustration and my sadness at how I have been treated by yourselves. Many things have gone round and round in my head, all the things I would like to say to you, too much to put into a letter. So therefore I am going to end this letter with my plea to arrange this meeting asap! No more waiting around. Please do not leave me in this painful turmoil stuck in limbo just waiting for the day I finally get my meeting, my explanation. Please have the decency to explain to me face to face why you denied me the chance to get justice for such a horrendous crime, a crime I felt (and the police felt) I had substantial evidence to try and get that guilty verdict I so longed to hear. A report I read in the Guardian seems to ring true in my experience, the writer stated that ‘one of the problems with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is that their performance indicators – what they are judged on – are how many of their cases result in a conviction. This means that a lot of the cases that should go in front of a jury and have a fair crack of the whip in court are dropped because there is that possibility of failure. That can be very demoralising’
( The information you give on prosecuting for sexual offences on your website states that in your ten point pledge we can expect you to: ‘Take into account what impact a decision to charge (or not to charge) will have on you’ however it seems you have failed to take into account your decision not to charge has had on me, you haven’t even met with me to discuss your decision or see the impact it has had on me. You also state that ‘A decision taken not to prosecute a serious offence would have to be supported by very clear reasons’ something I feel has not been done. You also state that ‘You should be told by the CPS Prosecutor whether or not the suspect is to be charged within 24 hours of the decision being made. Decisions in cases of rape are taken by specialist Prosecutors’. I was told by my detective of the decision not to charge and have not had a single conversation with yourselves. I quote again ‘When the CPS informs you that they are not able to charge the suspect, they should offer to meet with you to discuss their decision’ – again something you have failed to do, three months on and I’m still waiting. It also advises that ‘If following a meeting you disagree with the decision taken by the CPS Prosecutor you may be able to challenge the decision through judicial review proceedings in the High Court. The time limit for applying for judicial review is three months’ Well because of you three months has now passed, if my appeal is unsuccessful are you saying I now can’t take it further because three months has past? All because I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you. I hope this isn’t the case because I will try everything within in my power to try and get justice, that way I can look back with pride knowing I did all I could.

I took this quote off your website ‘I would urge any victims of sexual offences to come forward and talk to someone about what you have been through. We will support you in giving evidence, and what you say could help the authorities protect you and other people like you’ ( - I did come forward, I bravely told my story, I came to you for help and support and I have received none. I tried to protect other people but you let him walk free. I have been treated disgracefully by yourselves and failed in every way, especially when I relate my experience to the promise made on your website. If you want more people to start coming forward you need to change the way victims of rape and sexual assault are treated by yourselves. I have no complaints against the police, they were excellent. I really hope you take onboard everything I have stated for the sake of future victims everywhere.

Thank You
I eagerly await your immediate response to finally arrange my meeting.
- Thoughts opinions and comment really appreciated! This took me a lot of strength and time to write. Thank you all!

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Three months today, justice was taken.

Three months ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I remember it well. The day i got that call from my detective saying he was on his way round to talk to me. I knew instantly this meant the CPS had finally made a decision on my case. I remember shaking. Violently shaking. I remember holding my hand over my mouth to stop myself from being sick. Hysterically crying, tears running all over the place. Hyperventilating, unable to breath. Light headedness. Fear of passing out any second.... in fact not passing out, but dying. Fear of dying right then and there on the spot. I was trying to be optimistic, on the phone he had a tone to his voice that frightened me, but that didnt mean the answer wasn't good news. It still could be. After all i had been told i had a good chance of conviction, my perp admitted what he did to me in text messages to me, so of course it must be going to court, why wouldn't it?

The minute my detective walked in the door i knew it was over. He had my mobile phone in his hand, my iphone4, i had gotten it brand new and then had to part ways with it for months as it was seized as evidence. He had it in his hand, the evidence was no longer required, the CPS had decided not to prosecute. Hearing the words was 100 times harder than seeing my phone. I melted down on the spot, i was retching, trying so hard to not be sick. I have never felt anything like how i felt in this moment. My detectives eyes were filled with sadness, i could see he was heart broken for me. I could also see how angry he was at the situation, he said my case SHOULD be going to court. He tried his best to fight and appeal. He couldn't take it no where. sorry. I really wanted to tell you this story. I wanted to go into the details, what was said, all my emotions. I haven't re-lived this in a long time. Its too hard right now. I will continue with this story one day.

For now i will grieve internally for all my losses, and for the losses of the other 94% survivors, who also were denied justice.

I am eternally sorry.

My Shadow

This is the first poem I wrote to try to express my inner thoughts and emotions. Written on March 6th 2011, I cried as i wrote it. It's very personal and feeling a bit vulnerable about sharing it with you all, but it's something I'd like to do.

I hope you like it...

My Shadow

My shadow used to wear a friendly face
one i did not fear
she was an imprint of a girl i knew
but she's no longer here
His face it seems to haunt me
every single day
lurking in my shadow
why wont he go away?

my shadows face has changed, it no longer resembles me
instead it is a reminder, of what he did to me

his shadow really scares me
although its not really there
i wonder if he thinks of me
i doubt he even cares

my shadows face has changed, it no longer resembles me
instead it is a reminder, of what he did to me.

I try to forget that day
where my shadow forever changed
i want my old one back
this one feels so strange
But your shadow never lets me forget,
i have no place to hide
you have taken my everything
its as though i've died

my shadows face has changed, it no longer resembles me
your actions have made me forget....who i am meant to be?

(Words copyright to The War on Rape)
I'd appreciate any comments. Thank you!

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Letter to the universe....

Dear Universe,

I would firstly like to apologise for whatever it is i did to offend you. Since September 2010 you have tested and tested and tested me more than i thought humanly possible. The one huge incident which lead me to create this blog was quite enough to be getting on with and yet you punish me still. I am wondering if perhaps a mistake has been made in your office? Has my name been mistaken for someone else's? A very bad person who deserves bad things to happen to them? Or has my file which explains the good natured soul that resides inside this body of mine been misplaced? The events that have made up these hellish months are not deserving of a person like myself. Therefore i cannot help but assume a mistake has been made somewhere. Let me remind you of what makes up these past 9 months of my life:

  1. The break down of my 3 1/2 year long relationship to a wonderful man
  2. Being sexually assaulted by the 'kind' friend who tried to help me during the aftermath of my painful break up
  3. Suffering from PTSD, severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks
  4. My family going through pain seeing me this way
  5. Being denied justice by the legal system and knowing he has walked free
  6. The CPS ( for 3!!! months tomorrow) trying to get out of meeting with me to explain why they didn't prosecute and me being trapped in this endless turmoil, waiting for my meeting, to ask why they dropped the case when they had a confession from him in text messages to myself
  7. Having to fight suicide every second of every day and turning to self half as a way of coping
  8. My abuser being able to return to work at the hospital meaning i have to leave due to terrifying fear of seeing him in the hallways
  9. Being forced to take a year out of university due to not coping and because i didn't show up for a month and a half and missed an assignment submission
  10. Not being able to work for 4 months due to all of the above
  11. Getting into debt due to not being able to work and continue with my university course
  12. Lending money to a much needed holiday to get away, and then my passport getting lost and me being stranded in America for an additional five days with no money and no luggage
  13. Attempting suicide in America before being stopped by the police
  14. Travel insurance refusing to pay out for all the additional costs incurred because they are scamming bastards!

....and now sweet universe, after ALL of the above, on saturday you decide to throw a car crash into the mix!! You really couldn't make all this up if you tried! A car crash.... CAR CRASH! I have finally done my first shift back at work last week and now i am unable to work again due to severe whiplash! I no longer have a car thanks to it being smashed into, i can't afford a new one.

But do you want to hear the best of it? For months i have prayed to be in an accident, drove fast round corners in the rain hoping to slide and flip my car, hoping for it all to end, to not exist anymore, for the pain to be gone. Now you finally answer that prayer...and all i get is whiplash! You couldn't even have the decency or kindness in your heart to just finish me off, no you want to see me suffer further. Wow your guys in the office must be laughing their heads off! 15 soul destroying, heart breaking incidents in the space of 9 months, i tremble to think what's next?

I refuse to believe you have done this to me, a mistake must have been made.

I don't deserve this.

This can't be my life.

Friday, 10 June 2011

Midnight Woes

So my clock has just struck midnight, I'm watching the seconds tick by.
The seconds that turn into minutes and the minutes that turn into hours.
Hours of my precious time, wasting away into the past where you cannot claim them back. See that's the funny thing about time, when we need time...we don't have it! And when we don't require any have loads of it!

I am 22 years old with many many hours left infront me. Time seems long, I feel I have loads of it, too much even! So throwing away an hour here or a whole day there, seems like no big deal to me. Infact in my current state of mind I often hope my time will be cut short. Fed up of the painful hours I'd rather my time itself just fizzeled away.

And then there are those with little time left. Who cherish every second of every minute of it. These people say life is short. These people threw time away when they were younger, now they look back with regret. Just hoping for a miracle that time will be given back to them or pray for more time.

I Wish I could give my time to someone else. I feel my time will be wasted. The long healing journey infront of me seems an impossible task. I feel like I'll never get there. I'd give anything to have the strength and just give up. I feel like my life is meaningless now. Someone out there in the big wide world is desperate for more time, their minutes are ticking by fast, so many unfulfilled dreams. I wish I could give the gift of time. And I could lie peacefully in my grave, knowing my time wasn't wasted.

I guess life's a bitch that way.

Wednesday, 8 June 2011

One step forward. Two steps back.

Firstly i want to apologise for not posting in over a week. I'm still getting to grips with trying to communicate the complicated feelings inside of me. Often i don't even know what I'm feeling. A jumbled swirly mess of feelings and emotions floating around in my mind. It's so misty in here it's hard to see clearly. My arms are outstretched desperately searching for these feelings, to grab them, to understand them, to deal with them. But after every search i come back empty handed.

In the time immediately after my assault i was sailing down the river 'De-Nile'. I had three friends with me named shock, dissociate and disbelief. We were all very good friends for a long long time. I was in - what my therapist called - 'delayed shock'. In the four months that followed my assault my flashbacks and nightmares resembled a movie. So vivid it was like i was watching it on a screen inside my head. The actress looked just like me! The movie distressed me but i had no feelings or emotions about it. I was completely numb to the scenes i was forced to watch, over and over and over.

Four months after the assault was when i came out of the 'delayed shock' and the post traumatic stress symptoms worsened. I guess you could say i was behaving the way society would expect a rape victim to behave straight away. Four months on and it felt like my assault was only yesterday. Five months on and my symptoms worsened after discovering the CPS were not going to prosecute my abuser. In these months i suddenly switched from observing the movie, to being in the movie. I was the actress, i was in the scene, i was  experiencing a million emotions all at once. The numbness was gone, and i felt everything.

This sudden realisation only lasted a month. Maybe it became too much, maybe my brain couldn't take it anymore but i have shut down again. I've gone from being the movie star, to being a viewer again. I'm numb to everything. I don't cry anymore. I'm like a lifeless ghost, endlessly traveling from day to day, with no real meaning. Whilst the acceptance was unbearable pain i knew i needed to go through that stage. But now i've gone back a stage. Im viewing the movie again watching the life of someone else. Cause that certainly can't be my life. That can't have happened to me!

Someone out there, please help me, I'm desperate for answers. How do i accept that I AM the girl in the movie again?