Apologies for not posting recently, a lot has come to my attention since this whole mess with the CPS. I thought it was my anti depressants keeping me numb, stopping me from feeling and causing everything to become repressed. Recent events have made me realise I was partially responsible for being numb and brushing it all under the carpet. To be honest i'm scared to let it out...it just might kill me.
I want to share with you a quote from a good friend of mine 'Too unpleasant to remember, to tragic to forget' it is relatable to this post. I want to share how i had the epiphany that it was I who was repressing everything going on inside of me.
In therapy I'm always moaning about how numb i feel. How i crave to cry over what i have been through, how i want to face it all, sieve through it and begin to process it all so i can move on in my healing journey. I have always blamed this on my antidepressants, i even begged my GP to half my dose so i could feel something, anything. After being this way for a while my therapist suggested guided imagery. She warned it could open me up and bring out some things and that she wasn't sure if i was ready. I said i was fed up of being numb and ready to start dealing with it all.
The session begun with me closing my eyes and relaxing into my chair. I did deep breathing exercises to the sound of her voice until i was completely relaxed. She then guided me into a circular room, there were no doors or windows, it was completely empty. She then begun asking me questions about what i could see, hear, smell, touch in the room. At first i found it difficult, seeing nothing. Then out of no where.....i saw it. At the opposite end of the circular room was a white bed, 'thee' white bed. It was clean, plain and bright white, almost clinical looking. The bed sheets on the bed were ones i recognised. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes, something which hadn't happened for a while. She asked me to go sit on the bed. I said i couldn't. Instead she told me to walk over to the bed, she guided me step by difficult step until i was stood next to it. I could feel my hands start to tremble. Whilst i was there she asked me what i felt when i looked at this bed, i replied with coldness, hatred and emptiness, i wished the bed didn't exist. She told me to burn the bed, asked me what i want to use as fuel, i used petrol, i flung it all over the bed until the canister was empty, then i lit a match and slowly flicked it onto the bed. The bed was quickly ablaze, bright reds yellows and oranges engulfed the bed. Oddly the fire was cold, i felt no heat coming from the flames. Suddenly to my left a door appeared in the room, i walked out of it shutting the door behind, it lead me onto 'his' landing. I ran down the stairs and out the front door onto the street where i walked away leaving the burning bed behind. I was then brought out of my relaxed state.
After this i was asked to draw the first thing that came into my mind. This is what i drew:
The white bed but without any detail (detail makes it more real) the slant of 'his' wall and the blue colour of the walls. All surrounded by a dark mass of evil, terror, pain and hurt. It's strange how an object can have such a massive impact, i wonder what it would say if it could talk? The dark memories it holds. I despise this bed, i wish i could burn it for real, i hate that it exists.
After therapy i was very shaken up but pleased i had unlocked something. My therapist said she was proud of me as i had never mentioned anything about 'it' before. I felt i had achieved something. On the drive home however things changed, i suddenly got the imagine in my head of sprinklers coming on and putting out the fire , when it was diminished the bed remained. It was black and burnt....but it remained. Then out of no where i experienced the worst body memory i have had in a long time. I couldn't get away from his touch. It was there, it felt so real, i freaked out and had a major panic attack luckily managing to carry on driving. When i got home it felt like there were so many images pushing against the side of brain trying to force their way out, i fought really hard to keep them at bay, suppressing them into my subconscious and then it hit me. It was ME that was suppressing it all along. I'd just been doing it without realising, now it had been brought to my attention, i knew it was me. Sure the antidepressants played their part in keeping me numb but they weren't the sole cause. My body had had too much and gone into complete shutdown and i was so terrified of facing it all again that i just started running. Running from the memories, from the hurt and the pain, running from my trauma with the legal system. I've realised that i haven't been ready to face it all, i really want to face it and deal with it, but perhaps I'm just not ready to. Unfortunately now with my meeting with CPS happening on friday i am forced to face it all again, to re-live it, to talk about what happened when i haven't uttered a single word of the incident for seven months now.
To say i am terrified is an understatement.
So I got a reply from the CPS who sent me 2 measly paragraphs of text not even acknowledging anything I wrote after I poured my heart and soul into that letter and was very hard to write! They infuriate me! All they said was sorry for not contacting me and that no one had been in touch with them since April, which is a lie because both my detective and my ISVA have been chasing it up.
Anyway they have finally offered me these dates for my meeting which I'm hoping my detective and ISVA will come for support. I just can't believe they could dismiss everything I wrote and even lie about having no contact!! Something fishy going on here! Seems like they've been hoping I'll just give up, maybe they know they made a mistake! Makes no difference cause they won't admit that to me! How can these people work in the field that they do when it's so obvious they know nothing about how crime affects it's victims! They seem so heartless.
They better dread their meeting with me cause I'm gonna go all ninja on their asses! Shit is gonna hit the fan.....if I can hold it together....which I highly doubt. Had a panic attack before I even opened the damn letter. Never mind meeting them.
Oh Darwin help me!
Dear *****,
I do hope I have sent this letter to the correct recipient if not please forward on this letter to the appropriate person. You won’t realise this but today (15 th June) marks the three month anniversary that I discovered you were not going to prosecute the man who sexually assaulted me on 23rd October 2010. Making this report was the hardest decision I have ever made however I was filled with confidence when I received excellent treatment from the **** police and the full support and dedication from my detective constable *****. I have not been as fortunate with my experience of the legal system and with yourselves. Being a victim of sexual assault has destroyed and disrupted my entire life. I have PTSD, depression, been suicidal, have to see a therapist twice a week, have had to take a year of out of university due to not coping and had to take months off worth without pay due to all of above, and because your decision allowed my abuser to return to work in the same building as me. I haven’t been able to step foot in that building since realising your decision.
Whilst naturally my experience has destroyed my life another thing has greatly impacted me. And that was my right to justice, my right to a trial in court was taken away from me by your decision. A decision I fail to understand, that my detective failed to understand, that my ISVA at my rape crisis centre failed to understand. After learning your decision I spent an entire 31 days surrounded by darkness in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, was physically sick and fighting suicidal ideations every day. You make your decision and then you forget about me and the impact your decision has had on my life. For three whole months I have been waiting and waiting for a meeting with yourselves to discuss how you came to this decision, so that I could understand why, so that I could ask questions, so that I could have my say and tell you why I disagree with your decision. So that perhaps, having this opportunity can allow me to try and close this chapter of my life. For three months you have dodged chase ups from my detective and my ISVA. When I was sent on holiday to move me out from my bed I received an answer phone message from yourself, saying you would ring me back the following week....this was now five weeks ago. In what universe is this fair? You have denied me my chance to get justice and you don’t even have the decency to meet me with to explain why! Three whole months has passed since you made your decision and still no word, this is so disgusting I’m beyond words. This whole situation makes me feel physically sick and I now completely understand why 90% of people do not report their abuse to the police. Why would they, when this is how they are treated? Do you have any idea what it is like to be betrayed in the most horrendous way by someone you thought was a nice man who you could trust? Do you know what it’s like to be so confused about the events, you make up excuses for his actions and try to forget that it ever happened? Even speak to him afterwards, even work a shift with him. Do you then know what’s it’s like when the truth starts to sink in the horrors of the incident start to replay in your mind over and over and you begin to hate yourself for the way you handled the situation, for continuing to be nice to this man after he has assaulted you. These past 8 months have been the worse of my life and have been made dramatically worse by your decision. I’m not stupid I’ve done plenty of research I know the conviction rate for reported crimes of this nature in this country is less than 7%, the second worse in all of Europe. Believe me in the future I plan to try and do something about this. But for now all I am asking for is what is right fully mine and that is a meeting to explain why you let my abuser walk free. Why you tore my case down rather than build it up. Why you make this presumed decision about me and the type of person I am without even meeting me. I am not just a case number. Why you had the audacity to state as one of your reasons for not prosecuting is because he ‘stopped himself in the end’ how sexually assaulting someone, attempting to rape them, preventing them from escaping, pulling them back when they try to escape and injuring them is ‘ok’ because he stopped in the end is beyond me. By that logic are you stating that beating a man within in an inch of his life is ok....if you stop yourself in the end? Or someone being raped for three minutes isn’t as bad as someone for 30 minutes, because it didn’t last as long and they stopped in the end? They all stop in the end, it doesn’t matter how far it got. The damage is already done.
I do apologise for the length of letter but I’m sure you can appreciate my anger, my frustration and my sadness at how I have been treated by yourselves. Many things have gone round and round in my head, all the things I would like to say to you, too much to put into a letter. So therefore I am going to end this letter with my plea to arrange this meeting asap! No more waiting around. Please do not leave me in this painful turmoil stuck in limbo just waiting for the day I finally get my meeting, my explanation. Please have the decency to explain to me face to face why you denied me the chance to get justice for such a horrendous crime, a crime I felt (and the police felt) I had substantial evidence to try and get that guilty verdict I so longed to hear. A report I read in the Guardian seems to ring true in my experience, the writer stated that ‘one of the problems with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is that their performance indicators – what they are judged on – are how many of their cases result in a conviction. This means that a lot of the cases that should go in front of a jury and have a fair crack of the whip in court are dropped because there is that possibility of failure. That can be very demoralising’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/aug/20/police-detectives-shortage). The information you give on prosecuting for sexual offences on your website states that in your ten point pledge we can expect you to: ‘Take into account what impact a decision to charge (or not to charge) will have on you’ however it seems you have failed to take into account your decision not to charge has had on me, you haven’t even met with me to discuss your decision or see the impact it has had on me. You also state that ‘A decision taken not to prosecute a serious offence would have to be supported by very clear reasons’ something I feel has not been done. You also state that ‘You should be told by the CPS Prosecutor whether or not the suspect is to be charged within 24 hours of the decision being made. Decisions in cases of rape are taken by specialist Prosecutors’. I was told by my detective of the decision not to charge and have not had a single conversation with yourselves. I quote again ‘When the CPS informs you that they are not able to charge the suspect, they should offer to meet with you to discuss their decision’ – again something you have failed to do, three months on and I’m still waiting. It also advises that ‘If following a meeting you disagree with the decision taken by the CPS Prosecutor you may be able to challenge the decision through judicial review proceedings in the High Court. The time limit for applying for judicial review is three months’ Well because of you three months has now passed, if my appeal is unsuccessful are you saying I now can’t take it further because three months has past? All because I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you. I hope this isn’t the case because I will try everything within in my power to try and get justice, that way I can look back with pride knowing I did all I could.
I took this quote off your website ‘I would urge any victims of sexual offences to come forward and talk to someone about what you have been through. We will support you in giving evidence, and what you say could help the authorities protect you and other people like you’ (http://www.cps.gov.uk/eastmidlands/news_and_publications/press_releases/derby_men_convicted_in_shocking_sex_abuse_case/) - I did come forward, I bravely told my story, I came to you for help and support and I have received none. I tried to protect other people but you let him walk free. I have been treated disgracefully by yourselves and failed in every way, especially when I relate my experience to the promise made on your website. If you want more people to start coming forward you need to change the way victims of rape and sexual assault are treated by yourselves. I have no complaints against the police, they were excellent. I really hope you take onboard everything I have stated for the sake of future victims everywhere.
Thank You
I eagerly await your immediate response to finally arrange my meeting. - Thoughts opinions and comment really appreciated! This took me a lot of strength and time to write. Thank you all!
Three months ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I remember it well. The day i got that call from my detective saying he was on his way round to talk to me. I knew instantly this meant the CPS had finally made a decision on my case. I remember shaking. Violently shaking. I remember holding my hand over my mouth to stop myself from being sick. Hysterically crying, tears running all over the place. Hyperventilating, unable to breath. Light headedness. Fear of passing out any second.... in fact not passing out, but dying. Fear of dying right then and there on the spot. I was trying to be optimistic, on the phone he had a tone to his voice that frightened me, but that didnt mean the answer wasn't good news. It still could be. After all i had been told i had a good chance of conviction, my perp admitted what he did to me in text messages to me, so of course it must be going to court, why wouldn't it?
The minute my detective walked in the door i knew it was over. He had my mobile phone in his hand, my iphone4, i had gotten it brand new and then had to part ways with it for months as it was seized as evidence. He had it in his hand, the evidence was no longer required, the CPS had decided not to prosecute. Hearing the words was 100 times harder than seeing my phone. I melted down on the spot, i was retching, trying so hard to not be sick. I have never felt anything like how i felt in this moment. My detectives eyes were filled with sadness, i could see he was heart broken for me. I could also see how angry he was at the situation, he said my case SHOULD be going to court. He tried his best to fight and appeal. He couldn't take it no where.
.....im sorry. I really wanted to tell you this story. I wanted to go into the details, what was said, all my emotions. I haven't re-lived this in a long time. Its too hard right now. I will continue with this story one day.
For now i will grieve internally for all my losses, and for the losses of the other 94% survivors, who also were denied justice.
I am eternally sorry.
