Well my anniversary didn't exactly go to plan, decided i couldn't cope with it and smartly *sarcasm* chose to overdose on sleeping tablets. I spent over 30 hours knocked out in my bed, so technically i didn't have a one year anniversary, it didn't exist and i didn't have to deal with it .... seems to be the story of my life lately! Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz!
The days after have been hard, this week i had a very tough therapy session where she forced me to look forwards and write down 'where i am heading,' something i find very difficult as i don't envision much of a future for me. Being positive and hopeful is something i seem to really avoid. I lack the energy and drive to put effort into trying to heal and therefore it seems like I'm forever standing in the same spot, moving neither forwards nor backwards. Where do you find the drive to heal when you have little worth for your life? What is it exactly I'm supposed to be fighting for? What is it about life that is god damn great??....
... today i saw in my local news a story about a young man in my town jailed for five years for sexually assaulting five girls under the age of sixteen, i read on in the story only to read it's someone I KNOW! Someone i used to hang around with when i was younger, a 'really nice' guy who was very clever with lots of ambition. Apparently he's now a music teacher and it was his students he abused. I feel so physically sick, i keep looking at his mug shot photo, i can't help it! There are a lot of things on my facebook about it at the moment, angry facebook status' which led me to being really upset. Im so pleased that these girls have gotten justice, I'm happy everyone has seen him for the sicko he really is, I'm happy people are calling him out on it on facebook but with that happiness also comes a great deal of personal sadness. Perhaps even a selfish kind of sadness .... that i never got this recognition! 'His' name was never published in the papers, 'his' crime was never shared for the world to see, i never had people sticking up for me and i never had the justice i so wanted and deserved... perhaps this is a selfish thought but i can't help but be overwhelmed with jealousy for those very few people who do get justice, validation and perhaps a sense of closure.
I see a great amount of evil in this world, and my eyes have been opened up to more horrors that you don't hear about in the news, the more 'silent' world of sexual and domestic abuse...
Why would i want to live in a world this cruel?
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Therapy. Show all posts
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Time Flies...
They say time flies when your having fun, and the bad days seem to never end. I have found this well known quote to be completely way off reality. Next month will mark one year since my assault and everyday has been a living hell and yet it has flown by scarily fast. It seems like the incident happened only a few months ago. On a really bad day, the minutes seem to tick by slowly but then at the end of the day i realise its actually gone really fast. I feel like i have lost an entire year of my life. Not only have I lost myself, but i am also loosing time.
That bastard has taken away my time. Its overwhelmingly scary when you start to do a tick list of all the things that have been stolen from you, it seems impossible to take them all back. If i am honest i don't think they can be taken back.
In therapy i often discuss with my Therapist about my future, or lack of one. Last week she asked me to draw how i see myself now, and how i see myself in the future. For the how i see myself now i drew a question mark, a large black scribble of mess and a stickman dead at the bottom of the ocean, ball and chain around it's leg. Naturally my therapists interpretation was dead on (no pun intended). I know there something holding me back, something that is stopping me from moving forwards in my healing, what it is...i do not know. My therapist said once we are able to undo the chain which is holding me to the sea bed, i will slowly start to find myself again and begin to heal. She said my soul is not dead, but that it is off somewhere and slowly i will start to find it again and take back what has been taken. This is one the few times i completely disagreed with her.
I have started to realise (and i am not saying this is true for everyone) that when a trauma so huge happens to someone it is literally like it has killed them. I have had many survivors explain their trauma like 'a murder where there was no literal death'. When someone has died, there can be no resuscitation. I believe this is true with me. My soul has not simply 'gone away for a while'. It is dead, lying in the vegetation at the bottom of ocean. He killed me. I think - for me - it's not about getting back that girl i was before the rape (i'm not sure i'd even want to be that weak vulnerable naive girl anyway) it's about creating a new one. A new me. Trouble is sometimes it makes me so angry that the girl i have been for 22 years is suddenly gone along with all her hopes and dreams. Now all i have to work with is this empty shell. My therapist found this analogy interesting and could understand where i was coming from. She said 'isn't a blank canvas exciting, think of all you could create for your "new" self and the woman you could become'. Personally i think it seems like a lot of fucking hard work (excuse the curse!).
It begs the questions:
It also makes me wonder, if rapists truly take a persons life (which i believe they do) then why on earth when it comes to our justice system do they not get given life sentences! IF they are even convicted, which there is a despicable 6.5% chance of, the average sentence is four years, meaning they are out in two years. TWO years for taking anothers life. People get more for driving offenses. The world is a f'd up place!
That bastard has taken away my time. Its overwhelmingly scary when you start to do a tick list of all the things that have been stolen from you, it seems impossible to take them all back. If i am honest i don't think they can be taken back.
In therapy i often discuss with my Therapist about my future, or lack of one. Last week she asked me to draw how i see myself now, and how i see myself in the future. For the how i see myself now i drew a question mark, a large black scribble of mess and a stickman dead at the bottom of the ocean, ball and chain around it's leg. Naturally my therapists interpretation was dead on (no pun intended). I know there something holding me back, something that is stopping me from moving forwards in my healing, what it is...i do not know. My therapist said once we are able to undo the chain which is holding me to the sea bed, i will slowly start to find myself again and begin to heal. She said my soul is not dead, but that it is off somewhere and slowly i will start to find it again and take back what has been taken. This is one the few times i completely disagreed with her.
I have started to realise (and i am not saying this is true for everyone) that when a trauma so huge happens to someone it is literally like it has killed them. I have had many survivors explain their trauma like 'a murder where there was no literal death'. When someone has died, there can be no resuscitation. I believe this is true with me. My soul has not simply 'gone away for a while'. It is dead, lying in the vegetation at the bottom of ocean. He killed me. I think - for me - it's not about getting back that girl i was before the rape (i'm not sure i'd even want to be that weak vulnerable naive girl anyway) it's about creating a new one. A new me. Trouble is sometimes it makes me so angry that the girl i have been for 22 years is suddenly gone along with all her hopes and dreams. Now all i have to work with is this empty shell. My therapist found this analogy interesting and could understand where i was coming from. She said 'isn't a blank canvas exciting, think of all you could create for your "new" self and the woman you could become'. Personally i think it seems like a lot of fucking hard work (excuse the curse!).
It begs the questions:
- how do you live when you are already dead?
- how do you start over and create a new self?
- how do you know you will like the person you end up becoming?
It also makes me wonder, if rapists truly take a persons life (which i believe they do) then why on earth when it comes to our justice system do they not get given life sentences! IF they are even convicted, which there is a despicable 6.5% chance of, the average sentence is four years, meaning they are out in two years. TWO years for taking anothers life. People get more for driving offenses. The world is a f'd up place!
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Running. Masks. Despair
Recently had another wave of depression swoop over me, leaving my blog a little neglected the past week.
Went away over the weekend to Wales, to a little town i have visited every year since i was a baby. In fact its the 3rd time i've been this year and im going back again in a couple of weeks. Its really my second home, i often dream of running away from my city with all its reminders and abuser ever present lurking somewhere in these city streets. Running far far away to my little quiet village in wales where no body knows my history, knows what im running from. Where there is no fear of running into 'him'. I wish it was a possibility.
I thought that getting away might lift this depression slightly, but it hasn't. I have come back feeling as a low as over. I can't seem to shake that as of tomorrow it will be September the 1st - the month i met my abuser. After that will be October - the month 'it' happened, one year ago. Im not sure how i am going to get through this.
I have no therapy this week as my therapist is in court all week. Its scary how much i rely on these weekly meetings, that one hour (sometimes two) every week where i can take off my mask, and be the girl who is suffering to survive after her rape. The rest of the time i am the girl who is 'ok' after surviving a bad trauma. I get so tired of wearing this mask. Its an exhausting week knowing i don't have that one hour outlet to verbally puke out all the thoughts swimming in my head and have them listened to and receiving a supportive response.
Like i said, its scary how much i depend on my therapist. On that hour.
Till next week i guess im stuck to deal with this despair on my own.
Oh well....rant over....
.....time to put back on that smiling mask!
Went away over the weekend to Wales, to a little town i have visited every year since i was a baby. In fact its the 3rd time i've been this year and im going back again in a couple of weeks. Its really my second home, i often dream of running away from my city with all its reminders and abuser ever present lurking somewhere in these city streets. Running far far away to my little quiet village in wales where no body knows my history, knows what im running from. Where there is no fear of running into 'him'. I wish it was a possibility.
I thought that getting away might lift this depression slightly, but it hasn't. I have come back feeling as a low as over. I can't seem to shake that as of tomorrow it will be September the 1st - the month i met my abuser. After that will be October - the month 'it' happened, one year ago. Im not sure how i am going to get through this.
I have no therapy this week as my therapist is in court all week. Its scary how much i rely on these weekly meetings, that one hour (sometimes two) every week where i can take off my mask, and be the girl who is suffering to survive after her rape. The rest of the time i am the girl who is 'ok' after surviving a bad trauma. I get so tired of wearing this mask. Its an exhausting week knowing i don't have that one hour outlet to verbally puke out all the thoughts swimming in my head and have them listened to and receiving a supportive response.
Like i said, its scary how much i depend on my therapist. On that hour.
Till next week i guess im stuck to deal with this despair on my own.
Oh well....rant over....
.....time to put back on that smiling mask!
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Mirror of Inspiration
I thought i'd take this opportunity to share with all of you my mirror of inspiration. This is my mirror in my bedroom which i have filled with my favourite quotes that fill me with strength, courage and inspire me to continue on this dark road we called 'healing' when i feel like giving up the most. I have enlarged the photo so you should be able to read some of them, however please note all of these quotes are featured in my favourite quotes section on the left hand side of my blog. I actually think this is an excellent tool and i read them every time i look in this mirror. I think it can help someone who is going through any sort of difficult time in their life. Perhaps my mirror of inspiration may inspire you do to the same :)
Please comment and share with us the quotes that inspire you!
Please comment and share with us the quotes that inspire you!
Monday, 1 August 2011
Stuck in the Greyness
Therapy last week was interesting and quite insightful. It's amazing the power of guided imagery, seems to work well with me and helps me understand the place I'm at. I begun in a bright, sunny and warm field. I was led to a forest with a path running through it. The forest was beautiful, was shaded. Completely safe and peaceful. I could hear the birds singing, feel the warm breeze blowing through the trees. I came to a stream, trickling through the forest with a tiny waterfall. Here there were many butterflies, flying free all around. I was instructed to carry on following the path when I came to the edge of the forest, looking out onto a large open field. My therapist stopped instructing me and asked me what I saw...
I saw a massive field. It was completely empty and the vegetation was dead. I could see the brightness of the sun but couldn't feel the warmth. It was eerily silent. For some unknown reason the field frightened me. I felt threatened, as if I was being watched. I could just make out some hills in the far distant, but I knew I couldn't make it across this field. I just stood on the very edge. Staring outwards.
My therapist asked me to take a step forward onto the field. I told her I couldn't, I wasn't sure what would happen when I took that first step but I knew it wouldn't be very pleasant. I was not able to move forwards.
Knowing I couldn't step forwards my therapist asked me to turn around and go back into the comfort of the woods. As I tried to turn back I found my path blocked. A large stretch of glass prevented me from going back. I could see what lay behind me but couldn't get there.
She instructede to break the glass and return to the safeness and protection of the woods. She led me back through the woods, back to the stream. She asked me how I felt in the woods. I said safe, protected, calm, comfortable. She said if I could have any animal with me, what would it be. For some reason tiger popped into my head. I guess i thought of Princess Jasmine in Aladdin, a sweet cuddly tiger and yet with the ability of protection. The tiger could be my friend, he would protect me. I was then led out of the woods and back to the sunny warm field where I originally started.I then opened my eyes and came out of the guieded imagery.
My T explained that she picked up from the sesaion my fear of beginning to deal with what has happened to me. At the moment I am stuck in a sort of limbo, she called this the Greyness. I am completely comfortable in this Greyness of denial repression and dissociation. I want to move forwards, to begin dealing with and processing the trauma locked inside my brain, but i am afraid to. Scared of what i will find, what may happen. I am unable to turn back now because the past is the past, but im also unable to move forward. She explained she pictured the future as colour, all the colours of the rainbow swirling around together in a big confusing mess. There is lots to sort out. Right now i am happy being numb and comfortable in the greyness.Sometimes being in the Greyness it's easier to repress and forget, sometimes I find myself smiling and even occasionally laughing! I know it's only possible due the disconnection from my trauma, I guess I'm afraid to loose that again and go back to the dark days between the sheets.
I find it amazing that all of this insight can come from guided imagery. I see things the way i never saw them before, i understand the way my brain is functioning at the moment all by describing the images i see in my head.
My therapist told me from now on, whenever i have a nightmare, a flashback or scary thoughts to picture me with this tiger, that i am safe and he is protecting me. I have actually been doing this and it does help, perhaps you the reader might wish to try something like this?
This was a nice guided imagery experience, i have had bad ones in the past. My therapist now wants to work on taking the steps out of the greyness. She wants me (if i am able to) to write out my story, and every thought and every feeling, every inch of me poured out onto the paper and then asks me to read it aloud. She said it might help me connect with whats happened and begin to recognise that this did happen to me.....sounds pretty optimistic if you ask me. I so want to move forward and yet i admit.....im pretty stable in my denial bubble.
My therapist told me from now on, whenever i have a nightmare, a flashback or scary thoughts to picture me with this tiger, that i am safe and he is protecting me. I have actually been doing this and it does help, perhaps you the reader might wish to try something like this?
This was a nice guided imagery experience, i have had bad ones in the past. My therapist now wants to work on taking the steps out of the greyness. She wants me (if i am able to) to write out my story, and every thought and every feeling, every inch of me poured out onto the paper and then asks me to read it aloud. She said it might help me connect with whats happened and begin to recognise that this did happen to me.....sounds pretty optimistic if you ask me. I so want to move forward and yet i admit.....im pretty stable in my denial bubble.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
'Too unpleasant to remember, to tragic to forget'
Apologies for not posting recently, a lot has come to my attention since this whole mess with the CPS. I thought it was my anti depressants keeping me numb, stopping me from feeling and causing everything to become repressed. Recent events have made me realise I was partially responsible for being numb and brushing it all under the carpet. To be honest i'm scared to let it out...it just might kill me.
I want to share with you a quote from a good friend of mine 'Too unpleasant to remember, to tragic to forget' it is relatable to this post. I want to share how i had the epiphany that it was I who was repressing everything going on inside of me.
In therapy I'm always moaning about how numb i feel. How i crave to cry over what i have been through, how i want to face it all, sieve through it and begin to process it all so i can move on in my healing journey. I have always blamed this on my antidepressants, i even begged my GP to half my dose so i could feel something, anything. After being this way for a while my therapist suggested guided imagery. She warned it could open me up and bring out some things and that she wasn't sure if i was ready. I said i was fed up of being numb and ready to start dealing with it all.
The session begun with me closing my eyes and relaxing into my chair. I did deep breathing exercises to the sound of her voice until i was completely relaxed. She then guided me into a circular room, there were no doors or windows, it was completely empty. She then begun asking me questions about what i could see, hear, smell, touch in the room. At first i found it difficult, seeing nothing. Then out of no where.....i saw it. At the opposite end of the circular room was a white bed, 'thee' white bed. It was clean, plain and bright white, almost clinical looking. The bed sheets on the bed were ones i recognised. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes, something which hadn't happened for a while. She asked me to go sit on the bed. I said i couldn't. Instead she told me to walk over to the bed, she guided me step by difficult step until i was stood next to it. I could feel my hands start to tremble. Whilst i was there she asked me what i felt when i looked at this bed, i replied with coldness, hatred and emptiness, i wished the bed didn't exist. She told me to burn the bed, asked me what i want to use as fuel, i used petrol, i flung it all over the bed until the canister was empty, then i lit a match and slowly flicked it onto the bed. The bed was quickly ablaze, bright reds yellows and oranges engulfed the bed. Oddly the fire was cold, i felt no heat coming from the flames. Suddenly to my left a door appeared in the room, i walked out of it shutting the door behind, it lead me onto 'his' landing. I ran down the stairs and out the front door onto the street where i walked away leaving the burning bed behind. I was then brought out of my relaxed state.
After this i was asked to draw the first thing that came into my mind. This is what i drew:
The white bed but without any detail (detail makes it more real) the slant of 'his' wall and the blue colour of the walls. All surrounded by a dark mass of evil, terror, pain and hurt. It's strange how an object can have such a massive impact, i wonder what it would say if it could talk? The dark memories it holds. I despise this bed, i wish i could burn it for real, i hate that it exists.
After therapy i was very shaken up but pleased i had unlocked something. My therapist said she was proud of me as i had never mentioned anything about 'it' before. I felt i had achieved something. On the drive home however things changed, i suddenly got the imagine in my head of sprinklers coming on and putting out the fire , when it was diminished the bed remained. It was black and burnt....but it remained. Then out of no where i experienced the worst body memory i have had in a long time. I couldn't get away from his touch. It was there, it felt so real, i freaked out and had a major panic attack luckily managing to carry on driving. When i got home it felt like there were so many images pushing against the side of brain trying to force their way out, i fought really hard to keep them at bay, suppressing them into my subconscious and then it hit me. It was ME that was suppressing it all along. I'd just been doing it without realising, now it had been brought to my attention, i knew it was me. Sure the antidepressants played their part in keeping me numb but they weren't the sole cause. My body had had too much and gone into complete shutdown and i was so terrified of facing it all again that i just started running. Running from the memories, from the hurt and the pain, running from my trauma with the legal system. I've realised that i haven't been ready to face it all, i really want to face it and deal with it, but perhaps I'm just not ready to. Unfortunately now with my meeting with CPS happening on friday i am forced to face it all again, to re-live it, to talk about what happened when i haven't uttered a single word of the incident for seven months now.
To say i am terrified is an understatement.
I want to share with you a quote from a good friend of mine 'Too unpleasant to remember, to tragic to forget' it is relatable to this post. I want to share how i had the epiphany that it was I who was repressing everything going on inside of me.
In therapy I'm always moaning about how numb i feel. How i crave to cry over what i have been through, how i want to face it all, sieve through it and begin to process it all so i can move on in my healing journey. I have always blamed this on my antidepressants, i even begged my GP to half my dose so i could feel something, anything. After being this way for a while my therapist suggested guided imagery. She warned it could open me up and bring out some things and that she wasn't sure if i was ready. I said i was fed up of being numb and ready to start dealing with it all.
The session begun with me closing my eyes and relaxing into my chair. I did deep breathing exercises to the sound of her voice until i was completely relaxed. She then guided me into a circular room, there were no doors or windows, it was completely empty. She then begun asking me questions about what i could see, hear, smell, touch in the room. At first i found it difficult, seeing nothing. Then out of no where.....i saw it. At the opposite end of the circular room was a white bed, 'thee' white bed. It was clean, plain and bright white, almost clinical looking. The bed sheets on the bed were ones i recognised. Immediately tears welled up in my eyes, something which hadn't happened for a while. She asked me to go sit on the bed. I said i couldn't. Instead she told me to walk over to the bed, she guided me step by difficult step until i was stood next to it. I could feel my hands start to tremble. Whilst i was there she asked me what i felt when i looked at this bed, i replied with coldness, hatred and emptiness, i wished the bed didn't exist. She told me to burn the bed, asked me what i want to use as fuel, i used petrol, i flung it all over the bed until the canister was empty, then i lit a match and slowly flicked it onto the bed. The bed was quickly ablaze, bright reds yellows and oranges engulfed the bed. Oddly the fire was cold, i felt no heat coming from the flames. Suddenly to my left a door appeared in the room, i walked out of it shutting the door behind, it lead me onto 'his' landing. I ran down the stairs and out the front door onto the street where i walked away leaving the burning bed behind. I was then brought out of my relaxed state.
After this i was asked to draw the first thing that came into my mind. This is what i drew:
After therapy i was very shaken up but pleased i had unlocked something. My therapist said she was proud of me as i had never mentioned anything about 'it' before. I felt i had achieved something. On the drive home however things changed, i suddenly got the imagine in my head of sprinklers coming on and putting out the fire , when it was diminished the bed remained. It was black and burnt....but it remained. Then out of no where i experienced the worst body memory i have had in a long time. I couldn't get away from his touch. It was there, it felt so real, i freaked out and had a major panic attack luckily managing to carry on driving. When i got home it felt like there were so many images pushing against the side of brain trying to force their way out, i fought really hard to keep them at bay, suppressing them into my subconscious and then it hit me. It was ME that was suppressing it all along. I'd just been doing it without realising, now it had been brought to my attention, i knew it was me. Sure the antidepressants played their part in keeping me numb but they weren't the sole cause. My body had had too much and gone into complete shutdown and i was so terrified of facing it all again that i just started running. Running from the memories, from the hurt and the pain, running from my trauma with the legal system. I've realised that i haven't been ready to face it all, i really want to face it and deal with it, but perhaps I'm just not ready to. Unfortunately now with my meeting with CPS happening on friday i am forced to face it all again, to re-live it, to talk about what happened when i haven't uttered a single word of the incident for seven months now.
To say i am terrified is an understatement.
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Letter to the CPS (Wanted to share)
Dear *****,
I do hope I have sent this letter to the correct recipient if not please forward on this letter to the appropriate person. You won’t realise this but today (15 th June) marks the three month anniversary that I discovered you were not going to prosecute the man who sexually assaulted me on 23rd October 2010. Making this report was the hardest decision I have ever made however I was filled with confidence when I received excellent treatment from the **** police and the full support and dedication from my detective constable *****. I have not been as fortunate with my experience of the legal system and with yourselves. Being a victim of sexual assault has destroyed and disrupted my entire life. I have PTSD, depression, been suicidal, have to see a therapist twice a week, have had to take a year of out of university due to not coping and had to take months off worth without pay due to all of above, and because your decision allowed my abuser to return to work in the same building as me. I haven’t been able to step foot in that building since realising your decision.
Whilst naturally my experience has destroyed my life another thing has greatly impacted me. And that was my right to justice, my right to a trial in court was taken away from me by your decision. A decision I fail to understand, that my detective failed to understand, that my ISVA at my rape crisis centre failed to understand. After learning your decision I spent an entire 31 days surrounded by darkness in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, was physically sick and fighting suicidal ideations every day. You make your decision and then you forget about me and the impact your decision has had on my life. For three whole months I have been waiting and waiting for a meeting with yourselves to discuss how you came to this decision, so that I could understand why, so that I could ask questions, so that I could have my say and tell you why I disagree with your decision. So that perhaps, having this opportunity can allow me to try and close this chapter of my life. For three months you have dodged chase ups from my detective and my ISVA. When I was sent on holiday to move me out from my bed I received an answer phone message from yourself, saying you would ring me back the following week....this was now five weeks ago. In what universe is this fair? You have denied me my chance to get justice and you don’t even have the decency to meet me with to explain why! Three whole months has passed since you made your decision and still no word, this is so disgusting I’m beyond words. This whole situation makes me feel physically sick and I now completely understand why 90% of people do not report their abuse to the police. Why would they, when this is how they are treated? Do you have any idea what it is like to be betrayed in the most horrendous way by someone you thought was a nice man who you could trust? Do you know what it’s like to be so confused about the events, you make up excuses for his actions and try to forget that it ever happened? Even speak to him afterwards, even work a shift with him. Do you then know what’s it’s like when the truth starts to sink in the horrors of the incident start to replay in your mind over and over and you begin to hate yourself for the way you handled the situation, for continuing to be nice to this man after he has assaulted you. These past 8 months have been the worse of my life and have been made dramatically worse by your decision. I’m not stupid I’ve done plenty of research I know the conviction rate for reported crimes of this nature in this country is less than 7%, the second worse in all of Europe. Believe me in the future I plan to try and do something about this. But for now all I am asking for is what is right fully mine and that is a meeting to explain why you let my abuser walk free. Why you tore my case down rather than build it up. Why you make this presumed decision about me and the type of person I am without even meeting me. I am not just a case number. Why you had the audacity to state as one of your reasons for not prosecuting is because he ‘stopped himself in the end’ how sexually assaulting someone, attempting to rape them, preventing them from escaping, pulling them back when they try to escape and injuring them is ‘ok’ because he stopped in the end is beyond me. By that logic are you stating that beating a man within in an inch of his life is ok....if you stop yourself in the end? Or someone being raped for three minutes isn’t as bad as someone for 30 minutes, because it didn’t last as long and they stopped in the end? They all stop in the end, it doesn’t matter how far it got. The damage is already done.
I do apologise for the length of letter but I’m sure you can appreciate my anger, my frustration and my sadness at how I have been treated by yourselves. Many things have gone round and round in my head, all the things I would like to say to you, too much to put into a letter. So therefore I am going to end this letter with my plea to arrange this meeting asap! No more waiting around. Please do not leave me in this painful turmoil stuck in limbo just waiting for the day I finally get my meeting, my explanation. Please have the decency to explain to me face to face why you denied me the chance to get justice for such a horrendous crime, a crime I felt (and the police felt) I had substantial evidence to try and get that guilty verdict I so longed to hear. A report I read in the Guardian seems to ring true in my experience, the writer stated that ‘one of the problems with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is that their performance indicators – what they are judged on – are how many of their cases result in a conviction. This means that a lot of the cases that should go in front of a jury and have a fair crack of the whip in court are dropped because there is that possibility of failure. That can be very demoralising’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/aug/20/police-detectives-shortage). The information you give on prosecuting for sexual offences on your website states that in your ten point pledge we can expect you to: ‘Take into account what impact a decision to charge (or not to charge) will have on you’ however it seems you have failed to take into account your decision not to charge has had on me, you haven’t even met with me to discuss your decision or see the impact it has had on me. You also state that ‘A decision taken not to prosecute a serious offence would have to be supported by very clear reasons’ something I feel has not been done. You also state that ‘You should be told by the CPS Prosecutor whether or not the suspect is to be charged within 24 hours of the decision being made. Decisions in cases of rape are taken by specialist Prosecutors’. I was told by my detective of the decision not to charge and have not had a single conversation with yourselves. I quote again ‘When the CPS informs you that they are not able to charge the suspect, they should offer to meet with you to discuss their decision’ – again something you have failed to do, three months on and I’m still waiting. It also advises that ‘If following a meeting you disagree with the decision taken by the CPS Prosecutor you may be able to challenge the decision through judicial review proceedings in the High Court. The time limit for applying for judicial review is three months’ Well because of you three months has now passed, if my appeal is unsuccessful are you saying I now can’t take it further because three months has past? All because I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you. I hope this isn’t the case because I will try everything within in my power to try and get justice, that way I can look back with pride knowing I did all I could.
I took this quote off your website ‘I would urge any victims of sexual offences to come forward and talk to someone about what you have been through. We will support you in giving evidence, and what you say could help the authorities protect you and other people like you’ (http://www.cps.gov.uk/eastmidlands/news_and_publications/press_releases/derby_men_convicted_in_shocking_sex_abuse_case/) - I did come forward, I bravely told my story, I came to you for help and support and I have received none. I tried to protect other people but you let him walk free. I have been treated disgracefully by yourselves and failed in every way, especially when I relate my experience to the promise made on your website. If you want more people to start coming forward you need to change the way victims of rape and sexual assault are treated by yourselves. I have no complaints against the police, they were excellent. I really hope you take onboard everything I have stated for the sake of future victims everywhere.
Thank You
I eagerly await your immediate response to finally arrange my meeting.
- Thoughts opinions and comment really appreciated! This took me a lot of strength and time to write. Thank you all!
I do hope I have sent this letter to the correct recipient if not please forward on this letter to the appropriate person. You won’t realise this but today (15 th June) marks the three month anniversary that I discovered you were not going to prosecute the man who sexually assaulted me on 23rd October 2010. Making this report was the hardest decision I have ever made however I was filled with confidence when I received excellent treatment from the **** police and the full support and dedication from my detective constable *****. I have not been as fortunate with my experience of the legal system and with yourselves. Being a victim of sexual assault has destroyed and disrupted my entire life. I have PTSD, depression, been suicidal, have to see a therapist twice a week, have had to take a year of out of university due to not coping and had to take months off worth without pay due to all of above, and because your decision allowed my abuser to return to work in the same building as me. I haven’t been able to step foot in that building since realising your decision.
Whilst naturally my experience has destroyed my life another thing has greatly impacted me. And that was my right to justice, my right to a trial in court was taken away from me by your decision. A decision I fail to understand, that my detective failed to understand, that my ISVA at my rape crisis centre failed to understand. After learning your decision I spent an entire 31 days surrounded by darkness in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, was physically sick and fighting suicidal ideations every day. You make your decision and then you forget about me and the impact your decision has had on my life. For three whole months I have been waiting and waiting for a meeting with yourselves to discuss how you came to this decision, so that I could understand why, so that I could ask questions, so that I could have my say and tell you why I disagree with your decision. So that perhaps, having this opportunity can allow me to try and close this chapter of my life. For three months you have dodged chase ups from my detective and my ISVA. When I was sent on holiday to move me out from my bed I received an answer phone message from yourself, saying you would ring me back the following week....this was now five weeks ago. In what universe is this fair? You have denied me my chance to get justice and you don’t even have the decency to meet me with to explain why! Three whole months has passed since you made your decision and still no word, this is so disgusting I’m beyond words. This whole situation makes me feel physically sick and I now completely understand why 90% of people do not report their abuse to the police. Why would they, when this is how they are treated? Do you have any idea what it is like to be betrayed in the most horrendous way by someone you thought was a nice man who you could trust? Do you know what it’s like to be so confused about the events, you make up excuses for his actions and try to forget that it ever happened? Even speak to him afterwards, even work a shift with him. Do you then know what’s it’s like when the truth starts to sink in the horrors of the incident start to replay in your mind over and over and you begin to hate yourself for the way you handled the situation, for continuing to be nice to this man after he has assaulted you. These past 8 months have been the worse of my life and have been made dramatically worse by your decision. I’m not stupid I’ve done plenty of research I know the conviction rate for reported crimes of this nature in this country is less than 7%, the second worse in all of Europe. Believe me in the future I plan to try and do something about this. But for now all I am asking for is what is right fully mine and that is a meeting to explain why you let my abuser walk free. Why you tore my case down rather than build it up. Why you make this presumed decision about me and the type of person I am without even meeting me. I am not just a case number. Why you had the audacity to state as one of your reasons for not prosecuting is because he ‘stopped himself in the end’ how sexually assaulting someone, attempting to rape them, preventing them from escaping, pulling them back when they try to escape and injuring them is ‘ok’ because he stopped in the end is beyond me. By that logic are you stating that beating a man within in an inch of his life is ok....if you stop yourself in the end? Or someone being raped for three minutes isn’t as bad as someone for 30 minutes, because it didn’t last as long and they stopped in the end? They all stop in the end, it doesn’t matter how far it got. The damage is already done.
I do apologise for the length of letter but I’m sure you can appreciate my anger, my frustration and my sadness at how I have been treated by yourselves. Many things have gone round and round in my head, all the things I would like to say to you, too much to put into a letter. So therefore I am going to end this letter with my plea to arrange this meeting asap! No more waiting around. Please do not leave me in this painful turmoil stuck in limbo just waiting for the day I finally get my meeting, my explanation. Please have the decency to explain to me face to face why you denied me the chance to get justice for such a horrendous crime, a crime I felt (and the police felt) I had substantial evidence to try and get that guilty verdict I so longed to hear. A report I read in the Guardian seems to ring true in my experience, the writer stated that ‘one of the problems with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is that their performance indicators – what they are judged on – are how many of their cases result in a conviction. This means that a lot of the cases that should go in front of a jury and have a fair crack of the whip in court are dropped because there is that possibility of failure. That can be very demoralising’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/aug/20/police-detectives-shortage). The information you give on prosecuting for sexual offences on your website states that in your ten point pledge we can expect you to: ‘Take into account what impact a decision to charge (or not to charge) will have on you’ however it seems you have failed to take into account your decision not to charge has had on me, you haven’t even met with me to discuss your decision or see the impact it has had on me. You also state that ‘A decision taken not to prosecute a serious offence would have to be supported by very clear reasons’ something I feel has not been done. You also state that ‘You should be told by the CPS Prosecutor whether or not the suspect is to be charged within 24 hours of the decision being made. Decisions in cases of rape are taken by specialist Prosecutors’. I was told by my detective of the decision not to charge and have not had a single conversation with yourselves. I quote again ‘When the CPS informs you that they are not able to charge the suspect, they should offer to meet with you to discuss their decision’ – again something you have failed to do, three months on and I’m still waiting. It also advises that ‘If following a meeting you disagree with the decision taken by the CPS Prosecutor you may be able to challenge the decision through judicial review proceedings in the High Court. The time limit for applying for judicial review is three months’ Well because of you three months has now passed, if my appeal is unsuccessful are you saying I now can’t take it further because three months has past? All because I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you. I hope this isn’t the case because I will try everything within in my power to try and get justice, that way I can look back with pride knowing I did all I could.
Thank You
I eagerly await your immediate response to finally arrange my meeting.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
One step forward. Two steps back.
Firstly i want to apologise for not posting in over a week. I'm still getting to grips with trying to communicate the complicated feelings inside of me. Often i don't even know what I'm feeling. A jumbled swirly mess of feelings and emotions floating around in my mind. It's so misty in here it's hard to see clearly. My arms are outstretched desperately searching for these feelings, to grab them, to understand them, to deal with them. But after every search i come back empty handed.
In the time immediately after my assault i was sailing down the river 'De-Nile'. I had three friends with me named shock, dissociate and disbelief. We were all very good friends for a long long time. I was in - what my therapist called - 'delayed shock'. In the four months that followed my assault my flashbacks and nightmares resembled a movie. So vivid it was like i was watching it on a screen inside my head. The actress looked just like me! The movie distressed me but i had no feelings or emotions about it. I was completely numb to the scenes i was forced to watch, over and over and over.
Four months after the assault was when i came out of the 'delayed shock' and the post traumatic stress symptoms worsened. I guess you could say i was behaving the way society would expect a rape victim to behave straight away. Four months on and it felt like my assault was only yesterday. Five months on and my symptoms worsened after discovering the CPS were not going to prosecute my abuser. In these months i suddenly switched from observing the movie, to being in the movie. I was the actress, i was in the scene, i was experiencing a million emotions all at once. The numbness was gone, and i felt everything.
This sudden realisation only lasted a month. Maybe it became too much, maybe my brain couldn't take it anymore but i have shut down again. I've gone from being the movie star, to being a viewer again. I'm numb to everything. I don't cry anymore. I'm like a lifeless ghost, endlessly traveling from day to day, with no real meaning. Whilst the acceptance was unbearable pain i knew i needed to go through that stage. But now i've gone back a stage. Im viewing the movie again watching the life of someone else. Cause that certainly can't be my life. That can't have happened to me!
Someone out there, please help me, I'm desperate for answers. How do i accept that I AM the girl in the movie again?
In the time immediately after my assault i was sailing down the river 'De-Nile'. I had three friends with me named shock, dissociate and disbelief. We were all very good friends for a long long time. I was in - what my therapist called - 'delayed shock'. In the four months that followed my assault my flashbacks and nightmares resembled a movie. So vivid it was like i was watching it on a screen inside my head. The actress looked just like me! The movie distressed me but i had no feelings or emotions about it. I was completely numb to the scenes i was forced to watch, over and over and over.
Four months after the assault was when i came out of the 'delayed shock' and the post traumatic stress symptoms worsened. I guess you could say i was behaving the way society would expect a rape victim to behave straight away. Four months on and it felt like my assault was only yesterday. Five months on and my symptoms worsened after discovering the CPS were not going to prosecute my abuser. In these months i suddenly switched from observing the movie, to being in the movie. I was the actress, i was in the scene, i was experiencing a million emotions all at once. The numbness was gone, and i felt everything.
This sudden realisation only lasted a month. Maybe it became too much, maybe my brain couldn't take it anymore but i have shut down again. I've gone from being the movie star, to being a viewer again. I'm numb to everything. I don't cry anymore. I'm like a lifeless ghost, endlessly traveling from day to day, with no real meaning. Whilst the acceptance was unbearable pain i knew i needed to go through that stage. But now i've gone back a stage. Im viewing the movie again watching the life of someone else. Cause that certainly can't be my life. That can't have happened to me!
Someone out there, please help me, I'm desperate for answers. How do i accept that I AM the girl in the movie again?
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Where to begin? How to find the words?
I've re-typed this first sentence about twenty times this evening.
I've tried to type this post every few days for about the past month.
Putting myself out there, like really putting myself out there talking about the dark memories, thoughts and feelings that have consumed me these past seven months....is kind of terrifying!
For a while now i've been feeling like I'm stood on the very edge of a cliff, leaning right over, almost falling. There is a rope tied around my waist secured to a near by tree, it's stopping me from falling. There is a section of the rope that is wearing thin. A new memory, a flashback, a nightmare...snap, snap, snap. Strand by strand the rope is snapping, wearing thinner everyday. Somedays i have hope, a real urge to survive to stay standing on the ground. Other days i feel like taking a knife out of my pocket and cutting the damn thing myself.....and just falling peacefully into the darkness.
Seven months ago I was raped. I struggle a lot using that word, i prefer to say sexually assaulted. There's something about the word rape, it just seems to scream at you in big bold red letters, RAPE. Since the assault i think i've felt every emotion humanly possible. From shock, to denial, to total disbelief. To numb and lifeless, a body without a soul. To anger, to hatred, to grief to confusion. To terror, to panic to hyper-vigilant. To realisation, to acceptance, to the truth......to the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. When i was 16 i pulled my shoulder out the socket and it hurt like hell! - I would take fifty shoulder dislocations any day over the agonising pain i have been in the past few months.
It was the Monday just passed which marked the seventh month anniversary. Seventh months sounds quite a while ago, funny as to me it seems like it was only last week. I guess i have a lot of catching up to do with this blog, therefore I ask if there is anyone out there reading this to please bare with me.
Now is not the time to go into details of my story, right now the details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that i knew my abuser, that he was a trusted friend who took advantage of a nice caring girl who was just trying to help him get his life back on track. I know this now but it took me a long time to accept this, in fact i often still place blame on myself. I'd like to hope that no woman (or man!) ever has to go through the physical and emotional torment that has been my life these past few months, but with a 1 in 4 statistic of women being sexually assaulted, I'm devastated to say, I'm by no means the only one...
...This blog is dedicated to every survivor, male or female of rape or sexual assault. To every historical case, present case and future case. Whilst i am using this blog as an aid in my healing journey i would get great satisfaction if my blog helped just one person. Made one person feel less alone, or encouraged someone to break the silence or even go as far as taking legal action. Now i am part of the battle i won't give up my fight, and i certainly wont give up our war.
This is The War on Rape.
I've tried to type this post every few days for about the past month.
Putting myself out there, like really putting myself out there talking about the dark memories, thoughts and feelings that have consumed me these past seven months....is kind of terrifying!
For a while now i've been feeling like I'm stood on the very edge of a cliff, leaning right over, almost falling. There is a rope tied around my waist secured to a near by tree, it's stopping me from falling. There is a section of the rope that is wearing thin. A new memory, a flashback, a nightmare...snap, snap, snap. Strand by strand the rope is snapping, wearing thinner everyday. Somedays i have hope, a real urge to survive to stay standing on the ground. Other days i feel like taking a knife out of my pocket and cutting the damn thing myself.....and just falling peacefully into the darkness.
Seven months ago I was raped. I struggle a lot using that word, i prefer to say sexually assaulted. There's something about the word rape, it just seems to scream at you in big bold red letters, RAPE. Since the assault i think i've felt every emotion humanly possible. From shock, to denial, to total disbelief. To numb and lifeless, a body without a soul. To anger, to hatred, to grief to confusion. To terror, to panic to hyper-vigilant. To realisation, to acceptance, to the truth......to the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. When i was 16 i pulled my shoulder out the socket and it hurt like hell! - I would take fifty shoulder dislocations any day over the agonising pain i have been in the past few months.
It was the Monday just passed which marked the seventh month anniversary. Seventh months sounds quite a while ago, funny as to me it seems like it was only last week. I guess i have a lot of catching up to do with this blog, therefore I ask if there is anyone out there reading this to please bare with me.
Now is not the time to go into details of my story, right now the details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that i knew my abuser, that he was a trusted friend who took advantage of a nice caring girl who was just trying to help him get his life back on track. I know this now but it took me a long time to accept this, in fact i often still place blame on myself. I'd like to hope that no woman (or man!) ever has to go through the physical and emotional torment that has been my life these past few months, but with a 1 in 4 statistic of women being sexually assaulted, I'm devastated to say, I'm by no means the only one...
...This blog is dedicated to every survivor, male or female of rape or sexual assault. To every historical case, present case and future case. Whilst i am using this blog as an aid in my healing journey i would get great satisfaction if my blog helped just one person. Made one person feel less alone, or encouraged someone to break the silence or even go as far as taking legal action. Now i am part of the battle i won't give up my fight, and i certainly wont give up our war.
This is The War on Rape.
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