Well my anniversary didn't exactly go to plan, decided i couldn't cope with it and smartly *sarcasm* chose to overdose on sleeping tablets. I spent over 30 hours knocked out in my bed, so technically i didn't have a one year anniversary, it didn't exist and i didn't have to deal with it .... seems to be the story of my life lately! Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz!
The days after have been hard, this week i had a very tough therapy session where she forced me to look forwards and write down 'where i am heading,' something i find very difficult as i don't envision much of a future for me. Being positive and hopeful is something i seem to really avoid. I lack the energy and drive to put effort into trying to heal and therefore it seems like I'm forever standing in the same spot, moving neither forwards nor backwards. Where do you find the drive to heal when you have little worth for your life? What is it exactly I'm supposed to be fighting for? What is it about life that is god damn great??....
... today i saw in my local news a story about a young man in my town jailed for five years for sexually assaulting five girls under the age of sixteen, i read on in the story only to read it's someone I KNOW! Someone i used to hang around with when i was younger, a 'really nice' guy who was very clever with lots of ambition. Apparently he's now a music teacher and it was his students he abused. I feel so physically sick, i keep looking at his mug shot photo, i can't help it! There are a lot of things on my facebook about it at the moment, angry facebook status' which led me to being really upset. Im so pleased that these girls have gotten justice, I'm happy everyone has seen him for the sicko he really is, I'm happy people are calling him out on it on facebook but with that happiness also comes a great deal of personal sadness. Perhaps even a selfish kind of sadness .... that i never got this recognition! 'His' name was never published in the papers, 'his' crime was never shared for the world to see, i never had people sticking up for me and i never had the justice i so wanted and deserved... perhaps this is a selfish thought but i can't help but be overwhelmed with jealousy for those very few people who do get justice, validation and perhaps a sense of closure.
I see a great amount of evil in this world, and my eyes have been opened up to more horrors that you don't hear about in the news, the more 'silent' world of sexual and domestic abuse...
Why would i want to live in a world this cruel?
Showing posts with label Crime. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crime. Show all posts
Thursday, 27 October 2011
Thursday, 15 September 2011
Time Flies...
They say time flies when your having fun, and the bad days seem to never end. I have found this well known quote to be completely way off reality. Next month will mark one year since my assault and everyday has been a living hell and yet it has flown by scarily fast. It seems like the incident happened only a few months ago. On a really bad day, the minutes seem to tick by slowly but then at the end of the day i realise its actually gone really fast. I feel like i have lost an entire year of my life. Not only have I lost myself, but i am also loosing time.
That bastard has taken away my time. Its overwhelmingly scary when you start to do a tick list of all the things that have been stolen from you, it seems impossible to take them all back. If i am honest i don't think they can be taken back.
In therapy i often discuss with my Therapist about my future, or lack of one. Last week she asked me to draw how i see myself now, and how i see myself in the future. For the how i see myself now i drew a question mark, a large black scribble of mess and a stickman dead at the bottom of the ocean, ball and chain around it's leg. Naturally my therapists interpretation was dead on (no pun intended). I know there something holding me back, something that is stopping me from moving forwards in my healing, what it is...i do not know. My therapist said once we are able to undo the chain which is holding me to the sea bed, i will slowly start to find myself again and begin to heal. She said my soul is not dead, but that it is off somewhere and slowly i will start to find it again and take back what has been taken. This is one the few times i completely disagreed with her.
I have started to realise (and i am not saying this is true for everyone) that when a trauma so huge happens to someone it is literally like it has killed them. I have had many survivors explain their trauma like 'a murder where there was no literal death'. When someone has died, there can be no resuscitation. I believe this is true with me. My soul has not simply 'gone away for a while'. It is dead, lying in the vegetation at the bottom of ocean. He killed me. I think - for me - it's not about getting back that girl i was before the rape (i'm not sure i'd even want to be that weak vulnerable naive girl anyway) it's about creating a new one. A new me. Trouble is sometimes it makes me so angry that the girl i have been for 22 years is suddenly gone along with all her hopes and dreams. Now all i have to work with is this empty shell. My therapist found this analogy interesting and could understand where i was coming from. She said 'isn't a blank canvas exciting, think of all you could create for your "new" self and the woman you could become'. Personally i think it seems like a lot of fucking hard work (excuse the curse!).
It begs the questions:
It also makes me wonder, if rapists truly take a persons life (which i believe they do) then why on earth when it comes to our justice system do they not get given life sentences! IF they are even convicted, which there is a despicable 6.5% chance of, the average sentence is four years, meaning they are out in two years. TWO years for taking anothers life. People get more for driving offenses. The world is a f'd up place!
That bastard has taken away my time. Its overwhelmingly scary when you start to do a tick list of all the things that have been stolen from you, it seems impossible to take them all back. If i am honest i don't think they can be taken back.
In therapy i often discuss with my Therapist about my future, or lack of one. Last week she asked me to draw how i see myself now, and how i see myself in the future. For the how i see myself now i drew a question mark, a large black scribble of mess and a stickman dead at the bottom of the ocean, ball and chain around it's leg. Naturally my therapists interpretation was dead on (no pun intended). I know there something holding me back, something that is stopping me from moving forwards in my healing, what it is...i do not know. My therapist said once we are able to undo the chain which is holding me to the sea bed, i will slowly start to find myself again and begin to heal. She said my soul is not dead, but that it is off somewhere and slowly i will start to find it again and take back what has been taken. This is one the few times i completely disagreed with her.
I have started to realise (and i am not saying this is true for everyone) that when a trauma so huge happens to someone it is literally like it has killed them. I have had many survivors explain their trauma like 'a murder where there was no literal death'. When someone has died, there can be no resuscitation. I believe this is true with me. My soul has not simply 'gone away for a while'. It is dead, lying in the vegetation at the bottom of ocean. He killed me. I think - for me - it's not about getting back that girl i was before the rape (i'm not sure i'd even want to be that weak vulnerable naive girl anyway) it's about creating a new one. A new me. Trouble is sometimes it makes me so angry that the girl i have been for 22 years is suddenly gone along with all her hopes and dreams. Now all i have to work with is this empty shell. My therapist found this analogy interesting and could understand where i was coming from. She said 'isn't a blank canvas exciting, think of all you could create for your "new" self and the woman you could become'. Personally i think it seems like a lot of fucking hard work (excuse the curse!).
It begs the questions:
- how do you live when you are already dead?
- how do you start over and create a new self?
- how do you know you will like the person you end up becoming?
It also makes me wonder, if rapists truly take a persons life (which i believe they do) then why on earth when it comes to our justice system do they not get given life sentences! IF they are even convicted, which there is a despicable 6.5% chance of, the average sentence is four years, meaning they are out in two years. TWO years for taking anothers life. People get more for driving offenses. The world is a f'd up place!
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Is this what crazy feels like?
Im not going to deny i can be pretty hyper-vigilant at times, given everything i have gone through i guess its understandable but tonight reached whole new levels of craziness! Maybe it's because of what happened at work yesterday i don't know, but tonight i became sure there was someone in the house.
I was sat in my room, talking to friends on the laptop, when i begin hearing noises downstairs. I brush it off as the wind, but it continues. Before long i hear a mans quiet voice. I freeze. I'm alone in the house.....what is that noise?
I assure myself that both doors are locked, that no one is downstairs and to stop being silly. But I am now listening intently, barely breathing, my heart beats faster as I deffinately now can hear male grunting and movements sounding like walking.
Thinking logically I think if someone was in the house they'd be stealing and making a lot more noise than that also they would know I was in and wouldn't they come upstairs! Both doors are locked, no no, no one could be in the house. It would be silly to call the police and waste their time....
But I continue hearing these noises, wind can't be in my living. I'm frozen stiff. I text my mum who is at work, she said she is finishing soon and will be home in half an hour. I try to calm down but I couldn't, kept continuously hearing a male voice and movement. My friends online kept tael ing me to call the police. I just didn't want to look stupid when they got here and no one was here! Then a big truck races down my street and parks near my drive with two men in the front. I've never seen this truck in my life. I'm now thinking is that what the burglar downstairs was waiting for. The noises downstairs get louder. I finally think fuck this, and call the police. Whispering down the phone I think there might be a man in my house. In less than 10 minutes a huge police van with 3 offices pulls up outside. The noises stopped.
I speak to them out my window, afraid to go downstairs. They say they can see no signs of entry and ask me to come open the door. Holding my breath I go downstairs.
Twat. Of course there is no one there!!
I open the door to the offices who come in and look round the whole house for me. Nothing. Oh my god I felt so stupid!! I told them I'd be listening to this noise for about Half an hour before I called them. Told them about the van.
Well they left, probably disappointed they didn't get to ambush some criminals. I apologised saying I wouldn't have called if I wasn't frightened and sure I could hear it. They said it was ok, they'd rather check and be sure there wasn't and that I was safe.
So they left. Leaving me with my embarrassment, craziness and thinking what on earth was that voice!! I hate the way being a survivor affects you :-(
Hearing a mans voice, movements, and getting out the police, I'm officially insane.
I was sat in my room, talking to friends on the laptop, when i begin hearing noises downstairs. I brush it off as the wind, but it continues. Before long i hear a mans quiet voice. I freeze. I'm alone in the house.....what is that noise?
I assure myself that both doors are locked, that no one is downstairs and to stop being silly. But I am now listening intently, barely breathing, my heart beats faster as I deffinately now can hear male grunting and movements sounding like walking.
Thinking logically I think if someone was in the house they'd be stealing and making a lot more noise than that also they would know I was in and wouldn't they come upstairs! Both doors are locked, no no, no one could be in the house. It would be silly to call the police and waste their time....
But I continue hearing these noises, wind can't be in my living. I'm frozen stiff. I text my mum who is at work, she said she is finishing soon and will be home in half an hour. I try to calm down but I couldn't, kept continuously hearing a male voice and movement. My friends online kept tael ing me to call the police. I just didn't want to look stupid when they got here and no one was here! Then a big truck races down my street and parks near my drive with two men in the front. I've never seen this truck in my life. I'm now thinking is that what the burglar downstairs was waiting for. The noises downstairs get louder. I finally think fuck this, and call the police. Whispering down the phone I think there might be a man in my house. In less than 10 minutes a huge police van with 3 offices pulls up outside. The noises stopped.
I speak to them out my window, afraid to go downstairs. They say they can see no signs of entry and ask me to come open the door. Holding my breath I go downstairs.
Twat. Of course there is no one there!!
I open the door to the offices who come in and look round the whole house for me. Nothing. Oh my god I felt so stupid!! I told them I'd be listening to this noise for about Half an hour before I called them. Told them about the van.
Well they left, probably disappointed they didn't get to ambush some criminals. I apologised saying I wouldn't have called if I wasn't frightened and sure I could hear it. They said it was ok, they'd rather check and be sure there wasn't and that I was safe.
So they left. Leaving me with my embarrassment, craziness and thinking what on earth was that voice!! I hate the way being a survivor affects you :-(
Hearing a mans voice, movements, and getting out the police, I'm officially insane.
Friday, 24 June 2011
Infuriated!!!!!
So I got a reply from the CPS who sent me 2 measly paragraphs of text not even acknowledging anything I wrote after I poured my heart and soul into that letter and was very hard to write! They infuriate me! All they said was sorry for not contacting me and that no one had been in touch with them since April, which is a lie because both my detective and my ISVA have been chasing it up.
Anyway they have finally offered me these dates for my meeting which I'm hoping my detective and ISVA will come for support. I just can't believe they could dismiss everything I wrote and even lie about having no contact!! Something fishy going on here! Seems like they've been hoping I'll just give up, maybe they know they made a mistake! Makes no difference cause they won't admit that to me! How can these people work in the field that they do when it's so obvious they know nothing about how crime affects it's victims! They seem so heartless.
They better dread their meeting with me cause I'm gonna go all ninja on their asses! Shit is gonna hit the fan.....if I can hold it together....which I highly doubt. Had a panic attack before I even opened the damn letter. Never mind meeting them.
Oh Darwin help me!
Anyway they have finally offered me these dates for my meeting which I'm hoping my detective and ISVA will come for support. I just can't believe they could dismiss everything I wrote and even lie about having no contact!! Something fishy going on here! Seems like they've been hoping I'll just give up, maybe they know they made a mistake! Makes no difference cause they won't admit that to me! How can these people work in the field that they do when it's so obvious they know nothing about how crime affects it's victims! They seem so heartless.
They better dread their meeting with me cause I'm gonna go all ninja on their asses! Shit is gonna hit the fan.....if I can hold it together....which I highly doubt. Had a panic attack before I even opened the damn letter. Never mind meeting them.
Oh Darwin help me!
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Letter to the CPS (Wanted to share)
Dear *****,
I do hope I have sent this letter to the correct recipient if not please forward on this letter to the appropriate person. You won’t realise this but today (15 th June) marks the three month anniversary that I discovered you were not going to prosecute the man who sexually assaulted me on 23rd October 2010. Making this report was the hardest decision I have ever made however I was filled with confidence when I received excellent treatment from the **** police and the full support and dedication from my detective constable *****. I have not been as fortunate with my experience of the legal system and with yourselves. Being a victim of sexual assault has destroyed and disrupted my entire life. I have PTSD, depression, been suicidal, have to see a therapist twice a week, have had to take a year of out of university due to not coping and had to take months off worth without pay due to all of above, and because your decision allowed my abuser to return to work in the same building as me. I haven’t been able to step foot in that building since realising your decision.
Whilst naturally my experience has destroyed my life another thing has greatly impacted me. And that was my right to justice, my right to a trial in court was taken away from me by your decision. A decision I fail to understand, that my detective failed to understand, that my ISVA at my rape crisis centre failed to understand. After learning your decision I spent an entire 31 days surrounded by darkness in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, was physically sick and fighting suicidal ideations every day. You make your decision and then you forget about me and the impact your decision has had on my life. For three whole months I have been waiting and waiting for a meeting with yourselves to discuss how you came to this decision, so that I could understand why, so that I could ask questions, so that I could have my say and tell you why I disagree with your decision. So that perhaps, having this opportunity can allow me to try and close this chapter of my life. For three months you have dodged chase ups from my detective and my ISVA. When I was sent on holiday to move me out from my bed I received an answer phone message from yourself, saying you would ring me back the following week....this was now five weeks ago. In what universe is this fair? You have denied me my chance to get justice and you don’t even have the decency to meet me with to explain why! Three whole months has passed since you made your decision and still no word, this is so disgusting I’m beyond words. This whole situation makes me feel physically sick and I now completely understand why 90% of people do not report their abuse to the police. Why would they, when this is how they are treated? Do you have any idea what it is like to be betrayed in the most horrendous way by someone you thought was a nice man who you could trust? Do you know what it’s like to be so confused about the events, you make up excuses for his actions and try to forget that it ever happened? Even speak to him afterwards, even work a shift with him. Do you then know what’s it’s like when the truth starts to sink in the horrors of the incident start to replay in your mind over and over and you begin to hate yourself for the way you handled the situation, for continuing to be nice to this man after he has assaulted you. These past 8 months have been the worse of my life and have been made dramatically worse by your decision. I’m not stupid I’ve done plenty of research I know the conviction rate for reported crimes of this nature in this country is less than 7%, the second worse in all of Europe. Believe me in the future I plan to try and do something about this. But for now all I am asking for is what is right fully mine and that is a meeting to explain why you let my abuser walk free. Why you tore my case down rather than build it up. Why you make this presumed decision about me and the type of person I am without even meeting me. I am not just a case number. Why you had the audacity to state as one of your reasons for not prosecuting is because he ‘stopped himself in the end’ how sexually assaulting someone, attempting to rape them, preventing them from escaping, pulling them back when they try to escape and injuring them is ‘ok’ because he stopped in the end is beyond me. By that logic are you stating that beating a man within in an inch of his life is ok....if you stop yourself in the end? Or someone being raped for three minutes isn’t as bad as someone for 30 minutes, because it didn’t last as long and they stopped in the end? They all stop in the end, it doesn’t matter how far it got. The damage is already done.
I do apologise for the length of letter but I’m sure you can appreciate my anger, my frustration and my sadness at how I have been treated by yourselves. Many things have gone round and round in my head, all the things I would like to say to you, too much to put into a letter. So therefore I am going to end this letter with my plea to arrange this meeting asap! No more waiting around. Please do not leave me in this painful turmoil stuck in limbo just waiting for the day I finally get my meeting, my explanation. Please have the decency to explain to me face to face why you denied me the chance to get justice for such a horrendous crime, a crime I felt (and the police felt) I had substantial evidence to try and get that guilty verdict I so longed to hear. A report I read in the Guardian seems to ring true in my experience, the writer stated that ‘one of the problems with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is that their performance indicators – what they are judged on – are how many of their cases result in a conviction. This means that a lot of the cases that should go in front of a jury and have a fair crack of the whip in court are dropped because there is that possibility of failure. That can be very demoralising’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/aug/20/police-detectives-shortage). The information you give on prosecuting for sexual offences on your website states that in your ten point pledge we can expect you to: ‘Take into account what impact a decision to charge (or not to charge) will have on you’ however it seems you have failed to take into account your decision not to charge has had on me, you haven’t even met with me to discuss your decision or see the impact it has had on me. You also state that ‘A decision taken not to prosecute a serious offence would have to be supported by very clear reasons’ something I feel has not been done. You also state that ‘You should be told by the CPS Prosecutor whether or not the suspect is to be charged within 24 hours of the decision being made. Decisions in cases of rape are taken by specialist Prosecutors’. I was told by my detective of the decision not to charge and have not had a single conversation with yourselves. I quote again ‘When the CPS informs you that they are not able to charge the suspect, they should offer to meet with you to discuss their decision’ – again something you have failed to do, three months on and I’m still waiting. It also advises that ‘If following a meeting you disagree with the decision taken by the CPS Prosecutor you may be able to challenge the decision through judicial review proceedings in the High Court. The time limit for applying for judicial review is three months’ Well because of you three months has now passed, if my appeal is unsuccessful are you saying I now can’t take it further because three months has past? All because I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you. I hope this isn’t the case because I will try everything within in my power to try and get justice, that way I can look back with pride knowing I did all I could.
I took this quote off your website ‘I would urge any victims of sexual offences to come forward and talk to someone about what you have been through. We will support you in giving evidence, and what you say could help the authorities protect you and other people like you’ (http://www.cps.gov.uk/eastmidlands/news_and_publications/press_releases/derby_men_convicted_in_shocking_sex_abuse_case/) - I did come forward, I bravely told my story, I came to you for help and support and I have received none. I tried to protect other people but you let him walk free. I have been treated disgracefully by yourselves and failed in every way, especially when I relate my experience to the promise made on your website. If you want more people to start coming forward you need to change the way victims of rape and sexual assault are treated by yourselves. I have no complaints against the police, they were excellent. I really hope you take onboard everything I have stated for the sake of future victims everywhere.
Thank You
I eagerly await your immediate response to finally arrange my meeting.
- Thoughts opinions and comment really appreciated! This took me a lot of strength and time to write. Thank you all!
I do hope I have sent this letter to the correct recipient if not please forward on this letter to the appropriate person. You won’t realise this but today (15 th June) marks the three month anniversary that I discovered you were not going to prosecute the man who sexually assaulted me on 23rd October 2010. Making this report was the hardest decision I have ever made however I was filled with confidence when I received excellent treatment from the **** police and the full support and dedication from my detective constable *****. I have not been as fortunate with my experience of the legal system and with yourselves. Being a victim of sexual assault has destroyed and disrupted my entire life. I have PTSD, depression, been suicidal, have to see a therapist twice a week, have had to take a year of out of university due to not coping and had to take months off worth without pay due to all of above, and because your decision allowed my abuser to return to work in the same building as me. I haven’t been able to step foot in that building since realising your decision.
Whilst naturally my experience has destroyed my life another thing has greatly impacted me. And that was my right to justice, my right to a trial in court was taken away from me by your decision. A decision I fail to understand, that my detective failed to understand, that my ISVA at my rape crisis centre failed to understand. After learning your decision I spent an entire 31 days surrounded by darkness in the comfort of my bed, I couldn’t eat, sleep, was physically sick and fighting suicidal ideations every day. You make your decision and then you forget about me and the impact your decision has had on my life. For three whole months I have been waiting and waiting for a meeting with yourselves to discuss how you came to this decision, so that I could understand why, so that I could ask questions, so that I could have my say and tell you why I disagree with your decision. So that perhaps, having this opportunity can allow me to try and close this chapter of my life. For three months you have dodged chase ups from my detective and my ISVA. When I was sent on holiday to move me out from my bed I received an answer phone message from yourself, saying you would ring me back the following week....this was now five weeks ago. In what universe is this fair? You have denied me my chance to get justice and you don’t even have the decency to meet me with to explain why! Three whole months has passed since you made your decision and still no word, this is so disgusting I’m beyond words. This whole situation makes me feel physically sick and I now completely understand why 90% of people do not report their abuse to the police. Why would they, when this is how they are treated? Do you have any idea what it is like to be betrayed in the most horrendous way by someone you thought was a nice man who you could trust? Do you know what it’s like to be so confused about the events, you make up excuses for his actions and try to forget that it ever happened? Even speak to him afterwards, even work a shift with him. Do you then know what’s it’s like when the truth starts to sink in the horrors of the incident start to replay in your mind over and over and you begin to hate yourself for the way you handled the situation, for continuing to be nice to this man after he has assaulted you. These past 8 months have been the worse of my life and have been made dramatically worse by your decision. I’m not stupid I’ve done plenty of research I know the conviction rate for reported crimes of this nature in this country is less than 7%, the second worse in all of Europe. Believe me in the future I plan to try and do something about this. But for now all I am asking for is what is right fully mine and that is a meeting to explain why you let my abuser walk free. Why you tore my case down rather than build it up. Why you make this presumed decision about me and the type of person I am without even meeting me. I am not just a case number. Why you had the audacity to state as one of your reasons for not prosecuting is because he ‘stopped himself in the end’ how sexually assaulting someone, attempting to rape them, preventing them from escaping, pulling them back when they try to escape and injuring them is ‘ok’ because he stopped in the end is beyond me. By that logic are you stating that beating a man within in an inch of his life is ok....if you stop yourself in the end? Or someone being raped for three minutes isn’t as bad as someone for 30 minutes, because it didn’t last as long and they stopped in the end? They all stop in the end, it doesn’t matter how far it got. The damage is already done.
I do apologise for the length of letter but I’m sure you can appreciate my anger, my frustration and my sadness at how I have been treated by yourselves. Many things have gone round and round in my head, all the things I would like to say to you, too much to put into a letter. So therefore I am going to end this letter with my plea to arrange this meeting asap! No more waiting around. Please do not leave me in this painful turmoil stuck in limbo just waiting for the day I finally get my meeting, my explanation. Please have the decency to explain to me face to face why you denied me the chance to get justice for such a horrendous crime, a crime I felt (and the police felt) I had substantial evidence to try and get that guilty verdict I so longed to hear. A report I read in the Guardian seems to ring true in my experience, the writer stated that ‘one of the problems with the Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) is that their performance indicators – what they are judged on – are how many of their cases result in a conviction. This means that a lot of the cases that should go in front of a jury and have a fair crack of the whip in court are dropped because there is that possibility of failure. That can be very demoralising’ (http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2009/aug/20/police-detectives-shortage). The information you give on prosecuting for sexual offences on your website states that in your ten point pledge we can expect you to: ‘Take into account what impact a decision to charge (or not to charge) will have on you’ however it seems you have failed to take into account your decision not to charge has had on me, you haven’t even met with me to discuss your decision or see the impact it has had on me. You also state that ‘A decision taken not to prosecute a serious offence would have to be supported by very clear reasons’ something I feel has not been done. You also state that ‘You should be told by the CPS Prosecutor whether or not the suspect is to be charged within 24 hours of the decision being made. Decisions in cases of rape are taken by specialist Prosecutors’. I was told by my detective of the decision not to charge and have not had a single conversation with yourselves. I quote again ‘When the CPS informs you that they are not able to charge the suspect, they should offer to meet with you to discuss their decision’ – again something you have failed to do, three months on and I’m still waiting. It also advises that ‘If following a meeting you disagree with the decision taken by the CPS Prosecutor you may be able to challenge the decision through judicial review proceedings in the High Court. The time limit for applying for judicial review is three months’ Well because of you three months has now passed, if my appeal is unsuccessful are you saying I now can’t take it further because three months has past? All because I have been waiting and waiting to hear from you. I hope this isn’t the case because I will try everything within in my power to try and get justice, that way I can look back with pride knowing I did all I could.
Thank You
I eagerly await your immediate response to finally arrange my meeting.
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Three months today, justice was taken.
Three months ago today was one of the worst days of my life. I remember it well. The day i got that call from my detective saying he was on his way round to talk to me. I knew instantly this meant the CPS had finally made a decision on my case. I remember shaking. Violently shaking. I remember holding my hand over my mouth to stop myself from being sick. Hysterically crying, tears running all over the place. Hyperventilating, unable to breath. Light headedness. Fear of passing out any second.... in fact not passing out, but dying. Fear of dying right then and there on the spot. I was trying to be optimistic, on the phone he had a tone to his voice that frightened me, but that didnt mean the answer wasn't good news. It still could be. After all i had been told i had a good chance of conviction, my perp admitted what he did to me in text messages to me, so of course it must be going to court, why wouldn't it?
The minute my detective walked in the door i knew it was over. He had my mobile phone in his hand, my iphone4, i had gotten it brand new and then had to part ways with it for months as it was seized as evidence. He had it in his hand, the evidence was no longer required, the CPS had decided not to prosecute. Hearing the words was 100 times harder than seeing my phone. I melted down on the spot, i was retching, trying so hard to not be sick. I have never felt anything like how i felt in this moment. My detectives eyes were filled with sadness, i could see he was heart broken for me. I could also see how angry he was at the situation, he said my case SHOULD be going to court. He tried his best to fight and appeal. He couldn't take it no where.
.....im sorry. I really wanted to tell you this story. I wanted to go into the details, what was said, all my emotions. I haven't re-lived this in a long time. Its too hard right now. I will continue with this story one day.
For now i will grieve internally for all my losses, and for the losses of the other 94% survivors, who also were denied justice.
I am eternally sorry.
The minute my detective walked in the door i knew it was over. He had my mobile phone in his hand, my iphone4, i had gotten it brand new and then had to part ways with it for months as it was seized as evidence. He had it in his hand, the evidence was no longer required, the CPS had decided not to prosecute. Hearing the words was 100 times harder than seeing my phone. I melted down on the spot, i was retching, trying so hard to not be sick. I have never felt anything like how i felt in this moment. My detectives eyes were filled with sadness, i could see he was heart broken for me. I could also see how angry he was at the situation, he said my case SHOULD be going to court. He tried his best to fight and appeal. He couldn't take it no where.
.....im sorry. I really wanted to tell you this story. I wanted to go into the details, what was said, all my emotions. I haven't re-lived this in a long time. Its too hard right now. I will continue with this story one day.
For now i will grieve internally for all my losses, and for the losses of the other 94% survivors, who also were denied justice.
I am eternally sorry.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Letter to the universe....
Dear Universe,
I would firstly like to apologise for whatever it is i did to offend you. Since September 2010 you have tested and tested and tested me more than i thought humanly possible. The one huge incident which lead me to create this blog was quite enough to be getting on with and yet you punish me still. I am wondering if perhaps a mistake has been made in your office? Has my name been mistaken for someone else's? A very bad person who deserves bad things to happen to them? Or has my file which explains the good natured soul that resides inside this body of mine been misplaced? The events that have made up these hellish months are not deserving of a person like myself. Therefore i cannot help but assume a mistake has been made somewhere. Let me remind you of what makes up these past 9 months of my life:
....and now sweet universe, after ALL of the above, on saturday you decide to throw a car crash into the mix!! You really couldn't make all this up if you tried! A car crash.... CAR CRASH! I have finally done my first shift back at work last week and now i am unable to work again due to severe whiplash! I no longer have a car thanks to it being smashed into, i can't afford a new one.
But do you want to hear the best of it? For months i have prayed to be in an accident, drove fast round corners in the rain hoping to slide and flip my car, hoping for it all to end, to not exist anymore, for the pain to be gone. Now you finally answer that prayer...and all i get is whiplash! You couldn't even have the decency or kindness in your heart to just finish me off, no you want to see me suffer further. Wow your guys in the office must be laughing their heads off! 15 soul destroying, heart breaking incidents in the space of 9 months, i tremble to think what's next?
I refuse to believe you have done this to me, a mistake must have been made.
I don't deserve this.
This can't be my life.
I would firstly like to apologise for whatever it is i did to offend you. Since September 2010 you have tested and tested and tested me more than i thought humanly possible. The one huge incident which lead me to create this blog was quite enough to be getting on with and yet you punish me still. I am wondering if perhaps a mistake has been made in your office? Has my name been mistaken for someone else's? A very bad person who deserves bad things to happen to them? Or has my file which explains the good natured soul that resides inside this body of mine been misplaced? The events that have made up these hellish months are not deserving of a person like myself. Therefore i cannot help but assume a mistake has been made somewhere. Let me remind you of what makes up these past 9 months of my life:
- The break down of my 3 1/2 year long relationship to a wonderful man
- Being sexually assaulted by the 'kind' friend who tried to help me during the aftermath of my painful break up
- Suffering from PTSD, severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks
- My family going through pain seeing me this way
- Being denied justice by the legal system and knowing he has walked free
- The CPS ( for 3!!! months tomorrow) trying to get out of meeting with me to explain why they didn't prosecute and me being trapped in this endless turmoil, waiting for my meeting, to ask why they dropped the case when they had a confession from him in text messages to myself
- Having to fight suicide every second of every day and turning to self half as a way of coping
- My abuser being able to return to work at the hospital meaning i have to leave due to terrifying fear of seeing him in the hallways
- Being forced to take a year out of university due to not coping and because i didn't show up for a month and a half and missed an assignment submission
- Not being able to work for 4 months due to all of the above
- Getting into debt due to not being able to work and continue with my university course
- Lending money to a much needed holiday to get away, and then my passport getting lost and me being stranded in America for an additional five days with no money and no luggage
- Attempting suicide in America before being stopped by the police
- Travel insurance refusing to pay out for all the additional costs incurred because they are scamming bastards!
....and now sweet universe, after ALL of the above, on saturday you decide to throw a car crash into the mix!! You really couldn't make all this up if you tried! A car crash.... CAR CRASH! I have finally done my first shift back at work last week and now i am unable to work again due to severe whiplash! I no longer have a car thanks to it being smashed into, i can't afford a new one.
But do you want to hear the best of it? For months i have prayed to be in an accident, drove fast round corners in the rain hoping to slide and flip my car, hoping for it all to end, to not exist anymore, for the pain to be gone. Now you finally answer that prayer...and all i get is whiplash! You couldn't even have the decency or kindness in your heart to just finish me off, no you want to see me suffer further. Wow your guys in the office must be laughing their heads off! 15 soul destroying, heart breaking incidents in the space of 9 months, i tremble to think what's next?
I refuse to believe you have done this to me, a mistake must have been made.
I don't deserve this.
This can't be my life.
Saturday, 28 May 2011
Where to begin? How to find the words?
I've re-typed this first sentence about twenty times this evening.
I've tried to type this post every few days for about the past month.
Putting myself out there, like really putting myself out there talking about the dark memories, thoughts and feelings that have consumed me these past seven months....is kind of terrifying!
For a while now i've been feeling like I'm stood on the very edge of a cliff, leaning right over, almost falling. There is a rope tied around my waist secured to a near by tree, it's stopping me from falling. There is a section of the rope that is wearing thin. A new memory, a flashback, a nightmare...snap, snap, snap. Strand by strand the rope is snapping, wearing thinner everyday. Somedays i have hope, a real urge to survive to stay standing on the ground. Other days i feel like taking a knife out of my pocket and cutting the damn thing myself.....and just falling peacefully into the darkness.
Seven months ago I was raped. I struggle a lot using that word, i prefer to say sexually assaulted. There's something about the word rape, it just seems to scream at you in big bold red letters, RAPE. Since the assault i think i've felt every emotion humanly possible. From shock, to denial, to total disbelief. To numb and lifeless, a body without a soul. To anger, to hatred, to grief to confusion. To terror, to panic to hyper-vigilant. To realisation, to acceptance, to the truth......to the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. When i was 16 i pulled my shoulder out the socket and it hurt like hell! - I would take fifty shoulder dislocations any day over the agonising pain i have been in the past few months.
It was the Monday just passed which marked the seventh month anniversary. Seventh months sounds quite a while ago, funny as to me it seems like it was only last week. I guess i have a lot of catching up to do with this blog, therefore I ask if there is anyone out there reading this to please bare with me.
Now is not the time to go into details of my story, right now the details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that i knew my abuser, that he was a trusted friend who took advantage of a nice caring girl who was just trying to help him get his life back on track. I know this now but it took me a long time to accept this, in fact i often still place blame on myself. I'd like to hope that no woman (or man!) ever has to go through the physical and emotional torment that has been my life these past few months, but with a 1 in 4 statistic of women being sexually assaulted, I'm devastated to say, I'm by no means the only one...
...This blog is dedicated to every survivor, male or female of rape or sexual assault. To every historical case, present case and future case. Whilst i am using this blog as an aid in my healing journey i would get great satisfaction if my blog helped just one person. Made one person feel less alone, or encouraged someone to break the silence or even go as far as taking legal action. Now i am part of the battle i won't give up my fight, and i certainly wont give up our war.
This is The War on Rape.
I've tried to type this post every few days for about the past month.
Putting myself out there, like really putting myself out there talking about the dark memories, thoughts and feelings that have consumed me these past seven months....is kind of terrifying!
For a while now i've been feeling like I'm stood on the very edge of a cliff, leaning right over, almost falling. There is a rope tied around my waist secured to a near by tree, it's stopping me from falling. There is a section of the rope that is wearing thin. A new memory, a flashback, a nightmare...snap, snap, snap. Strand by strand the rope is snapping, wearing thinner everyday. Somedays i have hope, a real urge to survive to stay standing on the ground. Other days i feel like taking a knife out of my pocket and cutting the damn thing myself.....and just falling peacefully into the darkness.
Seven months ago I was raped. I struggle a lot using that word, i prefer to say sexually assaulted. There's something about the word rape, it just seems to scream at you in big bold red letters, RAPE. Since the assault i think i've felt every emotion humanly possible. From shock, to denial, to total disbelief. To numb and lifeless, a body without a soul. To anger, to hatred, to grief to confusion. To terror, to panic to hyper-vigilant. To realisation, to acceptance, to the truth......to the worst pain i have ever felt in my entire life. When i was 16 i pulled my shoulder out the socket and it hurt like hell! - I would take fifty shoulder dislocations any day over the agonising pain i have been in the past few months.
It was the Monday just passed which marked the seventh month anniversary. Seventh months sounds quite a while ago, funny as to me it seems like it was only last week. I guess i have a lot of catching up to do with this blog, therefore I ask if there is anyone out there reading this to please bare with me.
Now is not the time to go into details of my story, right now the details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that i knew my abuser, that he was a trusted friend who took advantage of a nice caring girl who was just trying to help him get his life back on track. I know this now but it took me a long time to accept this, in fact i often still place blame on myself. I'd like to hope that no woman (or man!) ever has to go through the physical and emotional torment that has been my life these past few months, but with a 1 in 4 statistic of women being sexually assaulted, I'm devastated to say, I'm by no means the only one...
...This blog is dedicated to every survivor, male or female of rape or sexual assault. To every historical case, present case and future case. Whilst i am using this blog as an aid in my healing journey i would get great satisfaction if my blog helped just one person. Made one person feel less alone, or encouraged someone to break the silence or even go as far as taking legal action. Now i am part of the battle i won't give up my fight, and i certainly wont give up our war.
This is The War on Rape.
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