Representation of my heart
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Sunday, 4 March 2012
Saturday, 20 August 2011
Is this what crazy feels like?
Im not going to deny i can be pretty hyper-vigilant at times, given everything i have gone through i guess its understandable but tonight reached whole new levels of craziness! Maybe it's because of what happened at work yesterday i don't know, but tonight i became sure there was someone in the house.
I was sat in my room, talking to friends on the laptop, when i begin hearing noises downstairs. I brush it off as the wind, but it continues. Before long i hear a mans quiet voice. I freeze. I'm alone in the house.....what is that noise?
I assure myself that both doors are locked, that no one is downstairs and to stop being silly. But I am now listening intently, barely breathing, my heart beats faster as I deffinately now can hear male grunting and movements sounding like walking.
Thinking logically I think if someone was in the house they'd be stealing and making a lot more noise than that also they would know I was in and wouldn't they come upstairs! Both doors are locked, no no, no one could be in the house. It would be silly to call the police and waste their time....
But I continue hearing these noises, wind can't be in my living. I'm frozen stiff. I text my mum who is at work, she said she is finishing soon and will be home in half an hour. I try to calm down but I couldn't, kept continuously hearing a male voice and movement. My friends online kept tael ing me to call the police. I just didn't want to look stupid when they got here and no one was here! Then a big truck races down my street and parks near my drive with two men in the front. I've never seen this truck in my life. I'm now thinking is that what the burglar downstairs was waiting for. The noises downstairs get louder. I finally think fuck this, and call the police. Whispering down the phone I think there might be a man in my house. In less than 10 minutes a huge police van with 3 offices pulls up outside. The noises stopped.
I speak to them out my window, afraid to go downstairs. They say they can see no signs of entry and ask me to come open the door. Holding my breath I go downstairs.
Twat. Of course there is no one there!!
I open the door to the offices who come in and look round the whole house for me. Nothing. Oh my god I felt so stupid!! I told them I'd be listening to this noise for about Half an hour before I called them. Told them about the van.
Well they left, probably disappointed they didn't get to ambush some criminals. I apologised saying I wouldn't have called if I wasn't frightened and sure I could hear it. They said it was ok, they'd rather check and be sure there wasn't and that I was safe.
So they left. Leaving me with my embarrassment, craziness and thinking what on earth was that voice!! I hate the way being a survivor affects you :-(
Hearing a mans voice, movements, and getting out the police, I'm officially insane.
I was sat in my room, talking to friends on the laptop, when i begin hearing noises downstairs. I brush it off as the wind, but it continues. Before long i hear a mans quiet voice. I freeze. I'm alone in the house.....what is that noise?
I assure myself that both doors are locked, that no one is downstairs and to stop being silly. But I am now listening intently, barely breathing, my heart beats faster as I deffinately now can hear male grunting and movements sounding like walking.
Thinking logically I think if someone was in the house they'd be stealing and making a lot more noise than that also they would know I was in and wouldn't they come upstairs! Both doors are locked, no no, no one could be in the house. It would be silly to call the police and waste their time....
But I continue hearing these noises, wind can't be in my living. I'm frozen stiff. I text my mum who is at work, she said she is finishing soon and will be home in half an hour. I try to calm down but I couldn't, kept continuously hearing a male voice and movement. My friends online kept tael ing me to call the police. I just didn't want to look stupid when they got here and no one was here! Then a big truck races down my street and parks near my drive with two men in the front. I've never seen this truck in my life. I'm now thinking is that what the burglar downstairs was waiting for. The noises downstairs get louder. I finally think fuck this, and call the police. Whispering down the phone I think there might be a man in my house. In less than 10 minutes a huge police van with 3 offices pulls up outside. The noises stopped.
I speak to them out my window, afraid to go downstairs. They say they can see no signs of entry and ask me to come open the door. Holding my breath I go downstairs.
Twat. Of course there is no one there!!
I open the door to the offices who come in and look round the whole house for me. Nothing. Oh my god I felt so stupid!! I told them I'd be listening to this noise for about Half an hour before I called them. Told them about the van.
Well they left, probably disappointed they didn't get to ambush some criminals. I apologised saying I wouldn't have called if I wasn't frightened and sure I could hear it. They said it was ok, they'd rather check and be sure there wasn't and that I was safe.
So they left. Leaving me with my embarrassment, craziness and thinking what on earth was that voice!! I hate the way being a survivor affects you :-(
Hearing a mans voice, movements, and getting out the police, I'm officially insane.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Struggling with little self worth
Since everything happened, i have very little self worth and don't think very highly of myself. I often can't look myself in the eyes in my reflection in mirrors. I don't like myself very much.
I am weak
I've struggled bad with something today. At work a 50 year old doctor came onto me...im only 22. Hes older than my dad. Yesterday i thought i saw him taking photos of me at work...today i find out he did. He asked me to meet him after work as he wanted to talk to me about something, said he would meet me by my car. He then suspiciously came out with 'dont worry im not a rapist or a stalker or something'.... who says that?!?! I spent the whole day worried about the end of my shift. At the end as i walked to my car he wasn't in sight, i was so relieved, i got in the car and went to drive off as he popped up next to my car. I got out saying 'oh sorry i forgot you wanted a chat'. He tells me he is very intrigued by me and just wanted to get to know me, but thought i might get into trouble talking at work. He said he doesnt mean me any harm, he just wants to be my friend. He said he likes the way i look.....and liked my tattoo's which made me more attractive. By this point my heart was in my throat. Boom Boom Boom. Said he would like to meet me one time. Gave me his phone number which he had already pre-written. It felt like i was standing there for hours. He told me not to worry that he had deleted them photos, but can he please have another one...i asked him why, he said because i like looking you
he then said bye....and
stroked my chin
I came home and burned the number, went in the shower and scrubbed my chin until it was practically bleeding (i now look pretty stupid!) I feel so sick, so dirty. Im terrified of working back on that ward. I don't know what to do. I feel to scared to report to his superior as he is a respected psychiatrist. Im too scared to report it to my superiors because they know about my r* and if i then tell them this...will they just think i am a liar.
I think any other person probably could have brushed this off, thinking 'eww pervert'. But because of what ive been through, i dunno its triggered me so bad.
But most of all.....i hate myself!!!!!!! Since my r* i've said to myself should anything ever happen similar or where i feel threatened i am going to stand up for myself and fight. Im going to be brave. Today i literally just stood there, scared little girl, telling him 'sure thats ok! and yeah sure we can meet!' WHAT THE FUCK! i'm such a coward, i feel like someone should just shoot me i'm so pathetic.
Im also now wondering, do i attract people that are sick and twisted in the head???? Do i have victim written on my forehead? Am i set up for a lifetime of abuse, or inappropriate sexual behavior towards me?
Maybe i should just allow people to abuse me, if thats all i am worth
I don't know what to do
I am weak
I've struggled bad with something today. At work a 50 year old doctor came onto me...im only 22. Hes older than my dad. Yesterday i thought i saw him taking photos of me at work...today i find out he did. He asked me to meet him after work as he wanted to talk to me about something, said he would meet me by my car. He then suspiciously came out with 'dont worry im not a rapist or a stalker or something'.... who says that?!?! I spent the whole day worried about the end of my shift. At the end as i walked to my car he wasn't in sight, i was so relieved, i got in the car and went to drive off as he popped up next to my car. I got out saying 'oh sorry i forgot you wanted a chat'. He tells me he is very intrigued by me and just wanted to get to know me, but thought i might get into trouble talking at work. He said he doesnt mean me any harm, he just wants to be my friend. He said he likes the way i look.....and liked my tattoo's which made me more attractive. By this point my heart was in my throat. Boom Boom Boom. Said he would like to meet me one time. Gave me his phone number which he had already pre-written. It felt like i was standing there for hours. He told me not to worry that he had deleted them photos, but can he please have another one...i asked him why, he said because i like looking you
he then said bye....andstroked my chin
I came home and burned the number, went in the shower and scrubbed my chin until it was practically bleeding (i now look pretty stupid!) I feel so sick, so dirty. Im terrified of working back on that ward. I don't know what to do. I feel to scared to report to his superior as he is a respected psychiatrist. Im too scared to report it to my superiors because they know about my r* and if i then tell them this...will they just think i am a liar.
I think any other person probably could have brushed this off, thinking 'eww pervert'. But because of what ive been through, i dunno its triggered me so bad.
But most of all.....i hate myself!!!!!!! Since my r* i've said to myself should anything ever happen similar or where i feel threatened i am going to stand up for myself and fight. Im going to be brave. Today i literally just stood there, scared little girl, telling him 'sure thats ok! and yeah sure we can meet!' WHAT THE FUCK! i'm such a coward, i feel like someone should just shoot me i'm so pathetic.
Im also now wondering, do i attract people that are sick and twisted in the head???? Do i have victim written on my forehead? Am i set up for a lifetime of abuse, or inappropriate sexual behavior towards me?
Maybe i should just allow people to abuse me, if thats all i am worth
I don't know what to do
Friday, 12 August 2011
Lights, Camera....FACE!
I haven't spoken much about the events that brought me to blogger, or what happened on that fateful day. I have a hard time accepting the truth, it's kind of hard to write about when you feel like what your writing never happened. But tonight i find myself awake thinking of one moment. A moment that on the 23rd of October, maybe lasted less than 20 seconds. The moment i tried to escape from my attacker.
It's got me thinking about that moment in many horror movies where the girl, the victim, makes a break for it. Usually its a hot skinny blonde with ginourmous boobs, running in some scary woods wearing nothing but an oversized male shirt. The stereotypical murderer with some freaky-ass mask and terrifying weapon is lurking near by. Before she tries to escape she's normally hiding somewhere, trying to assess the situation, assess the amount of danger she is in. By this point she is afraid but not completely sure about what the hell is going on and just how much danger she is in. Amid the confusion something inside of her tells her there's a good chance she's going to get really hurt. Flight or fight mode kicks in, and typically, shes tries to escape....
....In that moment, she is grabbed from behind and pulled back. Always in movies the camera focus' on the girls face, never the attacker, always the victim. Because her face tells a thousands words, you can see the look in her eyes that she knows she is about to get hurt. That face can be pretty terrifying, more terrifying than the axe murderer in fact. Some actresses are pretty good at pulling this horrific 'face' off. I wonder if in real life anyone has ever caught on camera the real look of a person who is about to be pulled back. The look of the girl who knows what comes next.
In my story there is no ugly mask murderer, there are no woods, there is no fake boobed blonde bombshell. But there is the attempt of escape. Injuring myself as i tried to slip from his clutches. There is the moment i felt his hands grab my waist and pull me back and im pretty certain....there is that face.
No one knows what my face looked like, i couldn't see it, 'he' couldn't see it, there were no audience who could see it. I can't help but think about what it might have looked like.
My mum has often said to me that no one will ever truly understand the horrors of what happened to me on that day, in that room because no one else was there. If it were in a movie, would they be horrified? Would they be afraid for me? Would they cover there eyes with their hands whilst still peering through the gaps in their fingers so they don't miss what's happening? Would they understand better the trauma that consumes me each and every day? Perhaps they wouldn't find it that scary, i often minimise and invalidate my experience to myself maybe there is a reason why i do that, maybe it wasn't all that bad? There was no axe murderer, there was no weapons used, there was no blood curdling scream.
Is it strange that i sometimes feel the desire for people to see it, to see their reaction?
I guess this is me looking for validation again! A stage i can't seem to pass. I don't know how to begin accepting what has happened to me and validating to myself, that my experience WAS bad, that it WAS horrific and that i have every right to feel hurt and traumatised...
and most importantly, have the right to heal.
I don't think i will ever watch horror movies in the same way as i used to. I don't think i can ever forget the look upon their faces. THAT is where the horror in horror movies come from. Next time you watch a horror, don't fear the bad guy.....fear that face.
It's got me thinking about that moment in many horror movies where the girl, the victim, makes a break for it. Usually its a hot skinny blonde with ginourmous boobs, running in some scary woods wearing nothing but an oversized male shirt. The stereotypical murderer with some freaky-ass mask and terrifying weapon is lurking near by. Before she tries to escape she's normally hiding somewhere, trying to assess the situation, assess the amount of danger she is in. By this point she is afraid but not completely sure about what the hell is going on and just how much danger she is in. Amid the confusion something inside of her tells her there's a good chance she's going to get really hurt. Flight or fight mode kicks in, and typically, shes tries to escape....
....In that moment, she is grabbed from behind and pulled back. Always in movies the camera focus' on the girls face, never the attacker, always the victim. Because her face tells a thousands words, you can see the look in her eyes that she knows she is about to get hurt. That face can be pretty terrifying, more terrifying than the axe murderer in fact. Some actresses are pretty good at pulling this horrific 'face' off. I wonder if in real life anyone has ever caught on camera the real look of a person who is about to be pulled back. The look of the girl who knows what comes next.
In my story there is no ugly mask murderer, there are no woods, there is no fake boobed blonde bombshell. But there is the attempt of escape. Injuring myself as i tried to slip from his clutches. There is the moment i felt his hands grab my waist and pull me back and im pretty certain....there is that face.
No one knows what my face looked like, i couldn't see it, 'he' couldn't see it, there were no audience who could see it. I can't help but think about what it might have looked like.
My mum has often said to me that no one will ever truly understand the horrors of what happened to me on that day, in that room because no one else was there. If it were in a movie, would they be horrified? Would they be afraid for me? Would they cover there eyes with their hands whilst still peering through the gaps in their fingers so they don't miss what's happening? Would they understand better the trauma that consumes me each and every day? Perhaps they wouldn't find it that scary, i often minimise and invalidate my experience to myself maybe there is a reason why i do that, maybe it wasn't all that bad? There was no axe murderer, there was no weapons used, there was no blood curdling scream.
Is it strange that i sometimes feel the desire for people to see it, to see their reaction?
I guess this is me looking for validation again! A stage i can't seem to pass. I don't know how to begin accepting what has happened to me and validating to myself, that my experience WAS bad, that it WAS horrific and that i have every right to feel hurt and traumatised...
and most importantly, have the right to heal.
I don't think i will ever watch horror movies in the same way as i used to. I don't think i can ever forget the look upon their faces. THAT is where the horror in horror movies come from. Next time you watch a horror, don't fear the bad guy.....fear that face.
Friday, 5 August 2011
Music as a healing aid
I find music really helpful as a survivor, when i hear a song that really hits home, that i can really relate to. I love discovering new songs that put into words just how i am feeling. A friend of mine gave me a link to this song and told me to listen to the lyrics. I loved it. Here is the video and below i have posted the lyrics!
Skillet - "Hero"
I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)
I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate
It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live
[Chorus:]
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (just in time)
I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)
I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today
It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves
[Chorus]
I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me
I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time
[Chorus]
I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I need a hero
I need a hero
A hero's gonna save me just in time
I'm just a step away
I'm just a breath away
Losin' my faith today
(Fallin' off the edge today)
I am just a man
Not superhuman
(I'm not superhuman)
Someone save me from the hate
It's just another war
Just another family torn
(Falling from my faith today)
Just a step from the edge
Just another day in the world we live
[Chorus:]
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero (save me now)
I need a hero to save my life
A hero'll save me (just in time)
I've gotta fight today
To live another day
Speakin' my mind today
(My voice will be heard today)
I've gotta make a stand
But I am just a man
(I'm not superhuman)
My voice will be heard today
It's just another war
Just another family torn
(My voice will be heard today)
It's just another kill
The countdown begins to destroy ourselves
[Chorus]
I need a hero to save my life
I need a hero just in time
Save me just in time
Save me just in time
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
We're in the fight of our lives
(And we're not ready to die)
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I've got a hero (I've got a hero)
Livin' in me
I'm gonna fight for what's right
Today I'm speaking my mind
And if it kills me tonight
(I will be ready to die)
A hero's not afraid to give his life
A hero's gonna save me just in time
[Chorus]
I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for what's right
Who's gonna help us survive
I need a hero
Who's gonna fight for the weak
Who's gonna make 'em believe
I need a hero
I need a hero
A hero's gonna save me just in time
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