Always There

When you took everythingan unwanted gift remainedthe darkness and the painit's always there
When boiling waterrains down my bodycan't take away the factit's always there
When elusive laughterspreads across my faceim quickly brought backit's always there
When darkness fallsand sleep evadesI feel your touchit's always there
When silver flashesand the red river flowsonly numbs brieflyit's always there
When i forget for a seconda trigger breaks freeit comes back to meit's always there
When healing progressesIm two steps backYour gift weighs heavyit's always there
When life gets hecticthere's little time to thinkyet still somehowit's always there
When I'm called a survivorConfusions left behindHow is this surviving?it's always there
No matter how hardi try to move onit's always there...
...what's the point?

The Jar

On 7/1/2012 one of my best friends committed suicide. I had met him online years before, on a support forum, he was a fellow survivor.

Yesterday marked 6 months since his death and I still cannot accept the fact he's gone. It kills me everyday knowing I'll never hear his voice or see him again. I'm filled with anger at the people who hurt him, who made him think there was no way out, no hope.

I'm not a religious person, I don't really believe in life after death. But I do like to imagine he watches over me, it's a nice thought. I like to think of him as a butterfly, free from the darkness. I'm sure he's off flying somewhere, wings filled with all the colours of the rainbow. He had such a beautiful colourful heart.

I Wish I could be off flying with him.

I struggle with feeling suicidal myself and have previously attempted it, let's face it the world isn't exactly a nice place to live. But his death has shown me the pain it leaves behind. He didn't get rid of his pain he just transferred it onto me. I get angry with him about that sometimes but then again I'll take that pain if it means he is happy and at peace.

This drawing and poem is for my Penguin. For anyone who is feeling suicidal please seek help, call a helpline, anything. Death is so final, I have to believe there is always hope...

The Jar

Trapped inside
Wings folded tight
Darkness all consuming


The claws they grasp
Fog is swirling
Echos of screams is overwhelming


Hell's gates are closed
The fires deserted
The demons take residence here


Glass treasures the pain
The way is shut
Cruel taunt of life's design

-----------

Freedom Wings

Words breakaway

The pain i feel now you're gone

Taken too soon

Your shadow lingers in my light

I place no blame, the darkness is gone

Free from your jar

You're where you belong

Wish i could be in that perfect place

where you now reside

Flying free

Holding hands

I'm forever by your side

RIP

xx

Monster

Monster

You didn't hide behind the closet

Never concealed yourself in the shadows

Hiding your truth in plain sight

Utilising your mask well, obscuring the monstrosity of your very nature

Left no one questioning, Clever little monster

Your evil soul lurked in the depths

Your kind smile deceiving well

The verbal vomit of your lies

Covering the darkness of your truth

Naive girl, how was I to tell?

Upon completion of your web

You knew you had me trapped

Those poisoned lips infected me

Planting memories inside my head

Lying wounded, slowly dying on your bed

You fed the monster that lives within you

It was I who was your prey

An unlikely weapon destroyed me

Forever fearful of mans capabilities

Life affected until the end

Hunger satisfied you buried the monster

How long down there would It stay?

Your angelic face returned

To pledge it's eternal woe

Claiming not to be the monster I had now come to know

Your venom coursed through my veins 

Destroying all sanity and intelligence

For a time the misty haze swarming my brain denied me of the truth

Clarity intact, your venom now grants me the gift of seeing the hidden monster

The monster who ate me alive but refused to swallow.

Keeping me alive, was your greatest evil.

Written today on my eleven month anniversary. Copyrighted

Little Red

Little Red

There once was a girl full of hopes and dreams

Saw the world through pure eyes, complete at the seams.

Heart of gold,

Smile of an angel,

that anyone who tried to take was not able.

With sparkling blue eyes, believing good conquers evil,

Fairytales were reality, no one was deceitful.

Untill this girl turned twenty one, the promise of fairytales was soon gone.

The castle crumbled

the prince did not show

She tumbled into the dark rabbit hole below.

Little red, little red

Don't blame yourself

for all thats dead

his smiling lie

that wolf was cunning

from his evil your now running

Bleeding, wounded

Oh little red

Its not your fault

Its not your fault

Left with the destruction, red cape on the floor

Her heart understands, red is here no more.

The wolf walked free with all he took,

Shes nothing left to give

She curls into the darkness

She has no strength left to live

The castle's burning bright, this hole is six foot deep

At the bottom lies her secret, she feels she has to keep.

Settling for this world of grey,

shes afraid to to start the climb

Just wait, little red there is strength in your tears

Just breathe, one day,

You'll be okay.

Little red, little red

Don't blame yourself

for all thats dead

his smiling lie

that wolf was cunning

from his evil your now running

Bleeding, wounded

Oh little red

Its not your fault

Its not your fault 

Acidic Deception

Acidic Deception

She speaks the words of betrayal
I cannot hear
I cannot see
The words bring confusion
It makes no sense
How can this be?

Seeking solace on the tiled floor
Why the bathroom gives me comfort
I cannot say
I am not sure

The words she spoke rise up in me
Come spilling out
Into the toilet
Acid burns the back of my throat

Time soon passes
I'm glued to the spot
I try to move, the bond is too strong
Eyes fixated on the same spot
In a trance from those twisted words

Mouth hangs open, still in surprise
Tongue runs dry
I feel nothing and yet,
I feel everything

The swirling vortex of crap inside me,
Hurricane insanity
Becomes too much to bare

The way to get off the bathroom floor,
 becomes clear
A flash of silver
A trickle of red

One stroke
Two stroke
Three stroke
Four
I crave the pain,
But it's there no more

Release over
The shame kicks in
The glue has dissolved
The ability to stand seems to have resolved

Walking hunched, back to the sheets
Thinking of all the lies, 
All the deceits 
How much more  can one person take?
Through much uncertainty, of one thing I'm sure...

...The future holds many visits to the bathroom floor. 

Dear 23

23 is all I see,
That number rips a hole in me.
Sends me shaking,
Breathing fast
A reality I find hard to grasp.


23 I dread its arrival,
Between the sheets is key to survival.
Refusing to leave, 
Despite my will
23 It haunts me still.


23 I know your face,
I'm used to being in this place.
Staring up,
The ceilings black
Trying desperately to not look back.


23 Makes dark memories stir,
Reality around me becomes a blur.
3, 2, 1, time travelling back,
No escaping
I'm forced to look back.


23 Please make it stop,
Nightmares, flashbacks
Memory attacks.
All these thoughts within my mind,
Feels like they'll never subside.


23 Your silence screams loud,
Unwanted ghost I hope your happy
I hope your proud.
The tortured girl within my soul,
Never again shall be whole.


Dear 23, because of you,
And all that you have put me through
This girl is hanging,
by a thread
how has she survived? how is she not dead?

My Shadow

This is the first poem I wrote to try to express my inner thoughts and emotions. Written on March 6th 2011, I cried as i wrote it. It's very personal and feeling a bit vulnerable about sharing it with you all, but it's something I'd like to do.


I hope you like it...


My Shadow


My shadow used to wear a friendly face
one i did not fear
she was an imprint of a girl i knew
but she's no longer here
His face it seems to haunt me
every single day
lurking in my shadow
why wont he go away?




my shadows face has changed, it no longer resembles me
instead it is a reminder, of what he did to me




his shadow really scares me
although its not really there
i wonder if he thinks of me
i doubt he even cares




my shadows face has changed, it no longer resembles me
instead it is a reminder, of what he did to me.




I try to forget that day
where my shadow forever changed
i want my old one back
this one feels so strange
But your shadow never lets me forget,
i have no place to hide
you have taken my everything
its as though i've died




my shadows face has changed, it no longer resembles me
your actions have made me forget....who i am meant to be?




(Words copyright to The War on Rape)
I'd appreciate any comments. Thank you!