Writers Block

Posting on my blog has been difficult for me of late. The same can be said for a survivor support forum i regularly use. I remember a time when i would reach out all the time! Post whatever is running through my mind in hope for some support from a kind stranger. Its getting harder and harder to reach out. The only person i am truly honest with is my therapist...in fact even that is a lie, i'd say I'm 80% honest with her. I lie to everyone now.
'How are you doing?' 
'Yeah I'm okay thanks, how are you?' - Why is it so damn hard to just tell the truth! 


I get so frustrated with the people who are aware of what's going on with me, they often just accept that answer and ask no more questions. I feel like they should know I'm not okay, they should know when i don't want to talk, and when in fact i'd like to but perhaps scared to bring it up incase of bringing a downer to the conversation. I know i can't expect people to be psychic but i'd like to think at least the people in my life who know me well, know enough to know when i am not okay!


I guess what's got me thinking about this, is my anniversary. 11 month anniversary. Tomorrow.


I am dreading the stroke of midnight on my clock-face.


Each time i don't know how I'm going to get through the day. Things would be so much easier, so much more peaceful if when i went to sleep...i never awoke the next morning. The hardest thing about tomorrow is knowing its my last 'month' anniversary. The next one is one year. One Year. I know for sure i can't survive this one. The week before my family are going away to Spain, they will be back for the 23rd but (and i'd never admit this to them) I'm scared of them leaving in the approaching week. Because I'm scared of what i may be capable of doing. My mum has been begging me to try to find some money to go with them, i know this is because she is afraid to leave me alone.


If anyone has any advice on how to get through the month of October and the 23rd, please let me know. I'm drowning here.


.....Wake me up when October ends.....

Acidic Deception

Acidic Deception

She speaks the words of betrayal
I cannot hear
I cannot see
The words bring confusion
It makes no sense
How can this be?

Seeking solace on the tiled floor
Why the bathroom gives me comfort
I cannot say
I am not sure

The words she spoke rise up in me
Come spilling out
Into the toilet
Acid burns the back of my throat

Time soon passes
I'm glued to the spot
I try to move, the bond is too strong
Eyes fixated on the same spot
In a trance from those twisted words

Mouth hangs open, still in surprise
Tongue runs dry
I feel nothing and yet,
I feel everything

The swirling vortex of crap inside me,
Hurricane insanity
Becomes too much to bare

The way to get off the bathroom floor,
 becomes clear
A flash of silver
A trickle of red

One stroke
Two stroke
Three stroke
Four
I crave the pain,
But it's there no more

Release over
The shame kicks in
The glue has dissolved
The ability to stand seems to have resolved

Walking hunched, back to the sheets
Thinking of all the lies, 
All the deceits 
How much more  can one person take?
Through much uncertainty, of one thing I'm sure...

...The future holds many visits to the bathroom floor. 

Betrayal, on a whole new scale.

I promised myself i would reach out more and post more regularly. Im afraid when something is happening, it takes a hold of me and i am to depressed or sane enough to write about it constructively. I have to write about it when i am ready to. For that i hope you will be patient with me. Taken me a while to get the energy and write but here goes.


So the man who assaulted me works at my local hospital, where i worked (i've left now due to this) and where my sister and friends still work. With reporting it to the police i thought even if he is not convicted there is a good chance of him loosing his job because he works with vulnerable adults...i didnt realise this but his boss is friends with him outside of work and she believed his lies of innocence. When he wasn't prosecuted he was able to return to work, i've not stepped foot in the hospital since.


I have always told my family and friends if they ever see him to please tell me, i know it would hurt me but i wanted to know and i was desperate to find out if he really did return back to work because if he had left, it meant i could continue to work in the place that i love, conveniently 5 mins from my house.


On friday night in a round-a-bout way, my sister revealed something which has shaken me terribly. She told me that she has infact seen him twice around the hospital and kept it from me. It really hit me hard. I think because i have not seen him for 8 months, all that is left of him are the memories that swarm my head. For the longest time he has felt 'not real' if that makes any sense. Like he haunts my memories but he isn't really living out there. Knowing my sister had seen him with her eyes made him so so terrifyingly real to me again. But this wasn't the worst part, i then started asking questions 'why didnt u tell me' 'where did u see him' 'did he see you, recognise you?' 'did you say anything'. She kept dodging all my questions and trying to escape.
My sister works on the nurse bank in the hospital as a carer, she covers sickness and leave on all wards, so work rings her and offers her shifts on wards which she then accepts or declines. She then tells me...that a month or so ago, she accepted a shift on HIS ward and worked with HIM! How could she do this to me? What would possess her to go on that ward knowing the man who R* me and destroyed my entire life would be there? how could she work alongside him? how could she not scream at him, punch him, kick him, defend me? I am so confused and hurt and angry as to why she would do this? Knowing that she has worked alongside HIM is destroying me i cant make sense of it. After she told me i went to the bathroom and threw up. She was acting like it was no big deal saying 'well its not like i talked to him or anything' - Oh yeah CHEERS!! I stayed glued to the bathroom floor for hours, images swirling in my head, just knowing she was in the same vicinity of him sends my stomach churning. I sat on the cold tiles and stared at the same spot on the wall in some sort of trance. I lost it.


My mum comes upstairs to check on me, sees the state of me. says to my sister 'see i told you you shouldnt've told her'....so my mum knew too! Knew she had worked with him, had seen him had lied and kept it from me. I felt so betrayed. I couldn't let out all the crap bubbling inside me, so i used the only way i know how, with SI :(


Many things i had been refusing to allow myself to think about, that i've been running from seemed so real to me now. HE was real once again. In my distressed i started to search for ways to SU, awful ways, terrible ways, terrible things i went to do. The only thing that stopped me was knowing it wouldn't be enough to work. By this time hours had passed and they were both asleep. In the silence of the night i packed my things and left with no idea as to where i was going to go. My ex-boyfriend who i am still close to, came and got me. I've been staying at his house ever since.


After speak to friends of mine who work at the hospital they shared me anger and how they could never do that. They said they would never go on his ward and want to see the face of the man who did those awful things to me and got away with it, said they couldn't hold themselves back for screaming in his face. They said they would never do that to me, so why would my sister?


I know my mum and sister kept it from me because they knew me knowing he had been seen would upset me, and yes of course it has, but no where enough as knowing my sister deliberately sought him out and worked a 7.5 hour shift alongside the man who r* me. Its not like she said 'yeah i saw him in the hall, gave him the most disgusting look i could give and turned and walked in the opposite direction'


I dont know, i just need to know peoples thoughts, am i right to be this angry and hurt? am i being silly or childish? am i over reacting? Urgh, i just don't know what to do anymore, my life is a mess already without having to deal with this from my own family.