Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Betrayal, on a whole new scale.

I promised myself i would reach out more and post more regularly. Im afraid when something is happening, it takes a hold of me and i am to depressed or sane enough to write about it constructively. I have to write about it when i am ready to. For that i hope you will be patient with me. Taken me a while to get the energy and write but here goes.

So the man who assaulted me works at my local hospital, where i worked (i've left now due to this) and where my sister and friends still work. With reporting it to the police i thought even if he is not convicted there is a good chance of him loosing his job because he works with vulnerable adults...i didnt realise this but his boss is friends with him outside of work and she believed his lies of innocence. When he wasn't prosecuted he was able to return to work, i've not stepped foot in the hospital since.

I have always told my family and friends if they ever see him to please tell me, i know it would hurt me but i wanted to know and i was desperate to find out if he really did return back to work because if he had left, it meant i could continue to work in the place that i love, conveniently 5 mins from my house.

On friday night in a round-a-bout way, my sister revealed something which has shaken me terribly. She told me that she has infact seen him twice around the hospital and kept it from me. It really hit me hard. I think because i have not seen him for 8 months, all that is left of him are the memories that swarm my head. For the longest time he has felt 'not real' if that makes any sense. Like he haunts my memories but he isn't really living out there. Knowing my sister had seen him with her eyes made him so so terrifyingly real to me again. But this wasn't the worst part, i then started asking questions 'why didnt u tell me' 'where did u see him' 'did he see you, recognise you?' 'did you say anything'. She kept dodging all my questions and trying to escape.
My sister works on the nurse bank in the hospital as a carer, she covers sickness and leave on all wards, so work rings her and offers her shifts on wards which she then accepts or declines. She then tells me...that a month or so ago, she accepted a shift on HIS ward and worked with HIM! How could she do this to me? What would possess her to go on that ward knowing the man who R* me and destroyed my entire life would be there? how could she work alongside him? how could she not scream at him, punch him, kick him, defend me? I am so confused and hurt and angry as to why she would do this? Knowing that she has worked alongside HIM is destroying me i cant make sense of it. After she told me i went to the bathroom and threw up. She was acting like it was no big deal saying 'well its not like i talked to him or anything' - Oh yeah CHEERS!! I stayed glued to the bathroom floor for hours, images swirling in my head, just knowing she was in the same vicinity of him sends my stomach churning. I sat on the cold tiles and stared at the same spot on the wall in some sort of trance. I lost it.

My mum comes upstairs to check on me, sees the state of me. says to my sister 'see i told you you shouldnt've told her'....so my mum knew too! Knew she had worked with him, had seen him had lied and kept it from me. I felt so betrayed. I couldn't let out all the crap bubbling inside me, so i used the only way i know how, with SI :(

Many things i had been refusing to allow myself to think about, that i've been running from seemed so real to me now. HE was real once again. In my distressed i started to search for ways to SU, awful ways, terrible ways, terrible things i went to do. The only thing that stopped me was knowing it wouldn't be enough to work. By this time hours had passed and they were both asleep. In the silence of the night i packed my things and left with no idea as to where i was going to go. My ex-boyfriend who i am still close to, came and got me. I've been staying at his house ever since.

After speak to friends of mine who work at the hospital they shared me anger and how they could never do that. They said they would never go on his ward and want to see the face of the man who did those awful things to me and got away with it, said they couldn't hold themselves back for screaming in his face. They said they would never do that to me, so why would my sister?

I know my mum and sister kept it from me because they knew me knowing he had been seen would upset me, and yes of course it has, but no where enough as knowing my sister deliberately sought him out and worked a 7.5 hour shift alongside the man who r* me. Its not like she said 'yeah i saw him in the hall, gave him the most disgusting look i could give and turned and walked in the opposite direction'

I dont know, i just need to know peoples thoughts, am i right to be this angry and hurt? am i being silly or childish? am i over reacting? Urgh, i just don't know what to do anymore, my life is a mess already without having to deal with this from my own family.


  1. You have every right to be angry with your sister, maybe she was afraid for her job security if she refused the shift or maybe she was saying I will not be pushed out of my right to work here too? It is just such an unfair world so be strong and true for yourself first (((hugs)))

  2. I think there's nothing worse than being betrayed by someone you love and put your trust in...it brings about so many feelings of insecurity that not even the people you hold in the highest esteem and who should do the same for you can stab you in the back...whether or not your sister's job security is on the line...it would have still been in your best interest to tell you. Lies will never build a foundation of trust, especially in the case of a survivor...which they are acutely aware. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you how to handle this dilemma but I've got problems with family members and my only plan has been to completely cut off all communications...I know that doesn't work for everyone and is difficult at best. I don't blame you for feeling so hurt...and anger comes out of these uncontrollable feelings of helplessness. I realize that your mother and your sister were trying to protect you thinking you in a fragile state but it was irresponsible knowing that the truth always seems to surface, especially in this case where you both worked in the same professional building. I hope you can come to some place of acceptance or you'll drive yourself crazy...the only other choice is to cut them out of your life...and I don't think you're ready for that Pink. This healing journey is long and hard...but you are strong and courageous...just remember one thing...'To Thine Own Self Be True'...someone told me this a long time ago and it has served me well...thanks for sharing your thoughts and this blog. xxx snooks

  3. Oh, this is so sad. I am so sorry. I remember this type of betrayal. Honey, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve to be loved and kept safe.

  4. Mother4justice: Thank you for validating my anger, unfortunately her job was not at risk, she could easily have turned the shift down. I dont understand it all still! The hugs are very much appreciated, i sure needed them! Thank you!

    Frieda: Thank you, i agree there is nothing worse and it certainly has brought about feelings of insecurity. I feel i have no one left to trust, and not even myself. What you said about foundation of trust with a survivor is very true, thanks for that and I too agree it was not in my best interests to lie to me and go behind my back. I think it is sad you have to cut people out of your life but i do think sometimes it is necessary to look after yourself, just because they are your family does not mean they are good people who deserve to be in your life. Unfortunately being as i still live at home, i cannot blank out my sister. I have deffinately been driving myself crazy, but i figure i cant leave and im stuck in the same house with her, so i have just been talking to her to be civil. I certainly do not trust her or hold her in high regards. I won't forgive her! The funny thing is last night we had a conversation about it and she isn't even sorry!! Made me so angry, i wish i could afford my own place! I am trying to stay true to myself, thanks snooks! Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

    Sharon: Thank you for your kind words and apologies, i am sorry that you remember this betrayal, whatever it was, no one deserves it!!