After The Storm

Well my anniversary didn't exactly go to plan, decided i couldn't cope with it and smartly *sarcasm* chose to overdose on sleeping tablets. I spent over 30 hours knocked out in my bed, so technically i didn't have a one year anniversary, it didn't exist and i didn't have to deal with it .... seems to be the story of my life lately! Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz!


The days after have been hard, this week i had a very tough therapy session where she forced me to look forwards and write down 'where i am heading,' something i find very difficult as i don't envision much of a future for me. Being positive and hopeful is something i seem to really avoid. I lack the energy and drive to put effort into trying to heal and therefore it seems like I'm forever standing in the same spot, moving neither forwards nor backwards. Where do you find the drive to heal when you have little worth for your life? What is it exactly I'm supposed to be fighting for? What is it about life that is god damn great??....


... today i saw in my local news a story about a young man in my town jailed for five years for sexually assaulting five girls under the age of sixteen, i read on in the story only to read it's someone I KNOW! Someone i used to hang around with when i was younger, a 'really nice' guy who was very clever with lots of ambition. Apparently he's now a music teacher and it was his students he abused. I feel so physically sick, i keep looking at his mug shot photo, i can't help it! There are a lot of things on my facebook about it at the moment, angry facebook status' which led me to being really upset. Im so pleased that these girls have gotten justice, I'm happy everyone has seen him for the sicko he really is, I'm happy people are calling him out on it on facebook but with that happiness also comes a great deal of personal sadness. Perhaps even a selfish kind of sadness .... that i never got this recognition! 'His' name was never published in the papers, 'his' crime was never shared for the world to see, i never had people sticking up for me and i never had the justice i so wanted and deserved... perhaps this is a selfish thought but i can't help but be overwhelmed with jealousy for those very few people who do get justice, validation and perhaps a sense of closure.


I see a great amount of evil in this world, and my eyes have been opened up to more horrors that you don't hear about in the news, the more 'silent' world of sexual and domestic abuse...


Why would i want to live in a world this cruel?

Heart Full of Pain

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 7


With my anniversary tomorrow i have little words. By chance i found this striking photo with a paragraph underneath that manages to describe me exactly. I have included the paragraph below along with the reference to where the writing came from.

the only word to describe this feeling is numb. she cant feel anymore, she cant even allow herself to feel anymore. every time it just ends in disappointment. there is never a happy ending, never ends with a smile. behind those piercing blue eyes is nothing but pain and lost. its obvious when shes crying but she holds those tears back. and so if you look closely behind the smile, youll see the hurt. there is no happiness in this thing called life, at least not for her. no fairy tale ending. just ever present and constant reminders of a life she never dreamed of. a life which she doesnt want to live. a life she doesnt know what to do with. surrounded by things she cant escape and doesnt know how to deal with. past lives coming back to haunt and be relived. nobodys been there for her and no one ever will be. its a self defeating attitude and she knows it but she cant seem to shake it. shes learning the hard way you can only look out for number one. that you are the only one looking out for you. but she doesnt even know how to do that. she doesnt know how to come to her own defenses. how to come to her own rescue. shes stopped believing in friendship. shes stopped believing in love. shes stopped believing in survivng. shes only exsisting. walking around like a puppet. going through the motions she needs to so people dont ask too many questions. she wants to reach out so bad, wants someone close to her. to hear her and be there for her. but when she turns around to find a friend, her own shadow is all she sees. its not the life she dreamed of but its the life shes living. shes been doing it so long that shes a pro now. and so although you may see a smile on that face of hers, know that her heart is full of pain.

Writing taken from and credit given too: http://koolkate.tumblr.com/post/908767571/a-heart-full-of-pain

Silenced

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 6

This picture is so hauntingly beautiful and tells a thousand words. I don't think i need to give an explanation is to why i relate to this photo so much, speaks for itself. I've been feeling like this girl more and more especially leading up to my anniversary, which is why i have chosen her for Day 6.

Insignificant Dot

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 5


This picture is yesterdays picture. Unfortunately i was unable to post yesterday which i apologise for. The pale blue dot in the photo is Earth from 4 billion miles away, look how insignificant it is on the grand scale of things... what's even more shocking, is imagining how small i am in this photo. If the Earth is an insignificant dot, than what the hell am i and my problems? In the grand scheme of things ....


.... do i really matter?

The Lonely

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 4


Today i have included two photos, these pictures i drew myself in Art Therapy on Monday and yesterday in normal therapy spent a great deal of time talking about. Challenging my opinions on myself and the situations and why I'm struggling to move forwards. It was a tough session. I wanted to share the two photos i drew with you as my emotions for today....

Burden

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 3

Is there something on my back??

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 2
The woman in this photo looks so defeated, sad and lonely. I also get the sense she has given up as she isn't even bothering to struggle with the weight anymore. Her head is turned away from the world, away from the weight on her shoulders.... I relate to this woman.

Tumbling Down the Rabbit Hole

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 1

Without Words

As you'll be aware (as its all I harp on about lately on here!) Is that one week tomorrow...will be my One year anniversary. I've been fighting to much just to get through the days...keep the smile plastered across my face for all to see that its just so exhausting I haven't had much time to write. 


What i've been really struggling with - which no doubt sounds so damn ridiculous - is that here in the UK at the moment we have to reality shows on at the minute, Xfactor and Strictly come Dancing. On BOTH shows there is someone who shares the first name of my abuser. Naturally everyone in my house watches these shows and every weekend I have to 'his' name echoing up the stairs. It send chills through my bones, and on occasion has sparked a flashback. I hate this, it effects me so much, i go into a supermarket and the cashier has his name,
I go to a restaurant and the guy says 'Hi my name is C... and ill be your waiter this evening'. I can't escape him, I can't escape it, I can't escape from my own mind.


Another thing I have been struggling with is the fact my family who I live with, have gone away for a week. They will be back 2 days before my anni, but im all alone in the house leading up to that time. I've got my therapists number on speed dial in case of any emergencies, but it scares me just knowing that sometimes I feel capable of being in an 'emergency'. Im trying my hardest, although admittedly sometimes I wonder what it is im fighting for.


For next week, as of monday because i know ill be without words, instead i am going to post a single photo that represents how i am feeling that day, leading up to my anni on the 23rd.....


Stay tuned, and thanks for all of you who read this blog and offer your support.

The Twenty-three Hundred Hour Storm

She leaves her friend after a pleasant evening of hot chocolate, marshmallows and a good romantic comedy.


Saying farewell at the door she glimpses the raging storm outside - heavy rainfall, thunder and high speed winds - oddly peaceful and comforting. She smiles to herself as she makes a run for it, becoming impossibly soaked in just a few short seconds. Collapsing into the drivers seat she has a quick glance in the rear view mirror, as usual a stranger stares back at her. The unknown girls brown hair is windswept and and clumped from the large droplets of rain and her dull blue eyes are smeared with black mascara at the edges. She recalls a time when these eyes sparkled, like diamonds in the rough... but she knew this girl had long disappeared, unsure of when or if she'd see her again. Attention from the mirror is quickly withdrawn and she flicks to her favourite track on the CD currently in the player; starting the ignition and turning on the lights, she drives.


Driving home in adequate spirits she braves the weather and rolls down the window slightly to have a cigarette. Softly singing to the song echoing through the vehicle she drives through the torrential rain fall, windscreen wipers at full speed. As she turns a corner a carefully aimed swoop of wind drives water directly through the window splashing on her face. She laughs to herself as her face drips with rainwater. Continuing the drive and nearing home another smaller burst of rain manages to rocket through the small gap in the window and splashes on her face. Suddenly she is without breath. Her heart rate increases and the dull blue eyes widen in horror as a memory comes to the surface. A memory where a diamond blue eyed girl meets up with a new male friend in her car and they go for a drive in the rain.


Unable to see through the rainfall they park down a side street, enjoying the loud noise of the rain bouncing off the car roof. So much laughter, so much good conversation. At the time her old banger vehicle had a leak and water started to seep through the light in the roof, dripping onto her face. The man finds this hilarious. They both laugh as the water continues to drip from the roof of the car, splashing them as the droplets fell. He wipes the water off her face and smiles at her. She feels so safe around him.


As soon as the memory had come it quickly dissolved, leaving the girl barely breathing. Her smile has faded, her dull blue eyes now grey and her hands tightly grip the steering wheel.  To an outsider this would be perceived as a happy memory, but not to the dull eyed girl. Driving home in a trance-like-state, flash-cards of more images, memories, are burned into her eyes. Like quickly flicking through a photo album, still frames of a certain memory darted across her field of vision. These images were far from happy. Time had fast forward and the location had changed but they involved the same two people, the male friend and the girl with diamond blue eyes.  The images held many secrets, secrets that were buried, secrets to painful and unimaginable for the girl to envision. She tried to fight the images off, knowing ultimately what the ending would be, but this time she couldn't fight it. The final image showed the sparkle drain out of the girls eyes....


Pulling up on the street to her house she turned off the ignition and sat their frozen. Rain pellets belted the front window and danced down the glass, mirroring the tears now waltzing down her face. She was angry at herself for allowing the nearly one year old images to play through her mind. The truth was unacceptable and incomprehensible, it needed to stay locked in its Pandoras Box... despite this belief she heard a quiet voice, shouting from a dark deep place inside her soul,
'Say it, admit the truth, just say it, say it out loud'.
She tried to  obey the tiny voice and whispered,
'I was..., I was....', but the final word escaped her.


Distressed and vulnerable, she did what she does best and locked up Pandoras Box. The 23:00 hour storm that brought this brief moment of clarity calmed down and she walked up the back to the safety of her home.


The tiny voice inside her soul shook its head and exclaimed 'I will try again tomorrow....'
The memories sunk back to depths at which they came from...