Autumns Haunt (2yr anniversary) :(

Green leaves are losing colour
Another year has come and gone
Brown and shrivelled
Dance their way to the ground
Here they lie
Here they die
Another year come and gone

And I'm right
back
there
Back to autumn
Collapsed on your cloud
And I'm free
Free
Falling
Into that night
Under the blue walls

Can you here me screaming
You're the reason my voice bleeds
My heart has gone from green to lifeless
Here I lie
Here I die
Another years come and gone.

And I'm right
back
there
Back to autumn
Collapsed on your cloud
And I'm free
Free
Falling
Into that night
Under the blue walls

And I'll wait for the darkness end,
For brighter seasons to bring me back to life.
But in the light
Here I still lie
Here I still die
Another year come and gone

but nothing's changed at all.

Always There

When you took everythingan unwanted gift remainedthe darkness and the painit's always there
When boiling waterrains down my bodycan't take away the factit's always there
When elusive laughterspreads across my faceim quickly brought backit's always there
When darkness fallsand sleep evadesI feel your touchit's always there
When silver flashesand the red river flowsonly numbs brieflyit's always there
When i forget for a seconda trigger breaks freeit comes back to meit's always there
When healing progressesIm two steps backYour gift weighs heavyit's always there
When life gets hecticthere's little time to thinkyet still somehowit's always there
When I'm called a survivorConfusions left behindHow is this surviving?it's always there
No matter how hardi try to move onit's always there...
...what's the point?

The Jar

On 7/1/2012 one of my best friends committed suicide. I had met him online years before, on a support forum, he was a fellow survivor.

Yesterday marked 6 months since his death and I still cannot accept the fact he's gone. It kills me everyday knowing I'll never hear his voice or see him again. I'm filled with anger at the people who hurt him, who made him think there was no way out, no hope.

I'm not a religious person, I don't really believe in life after death. But I do like to imagine he watches over me, it's a nice thought. I like to think of him as a butterfly, free from the darkness. I'm sure he's off flying somewhere, wings filled with all the colours of the rainbow. He had such a beautiful colourful heart.

I Wish I could be off flying with him.

I struggle with feeling suicidal myself and have previously attempted it, let's face it the world isn't exactly a nice place to live. But his death has shown me the pain it leaves behind. He didn't get rid of his pain he just transferred it onto me. I get angry with him about that sometimes but then again I'll take that pain if it means he is happy and at peace.

This drawing and poem is for my Penguin. For anyone who is feeling suicidal please seek help, call a helpline, anything. Death is so final, I have to believe there is always hope...

The Jar

Trapped inside
Wings folded tight
Darkness all consuming


The claws they grasp
Fog is swirling
Echos of screams is overwhelming


Hell's gates are closed
The fires deserted
The demons take residence here


Glass treasures the pain
The way is shut
Cruel taunt of life's design

-----------

Freedom Wings

Words breakaway

The pain i feel now you're gone

Taken too soon

Your shadow lingers in my light

I place no blame, the darkness is gone

Free from your jar

You're where you belong

Wish i could be in that perfect place

where you now reside

Flying free

Holding hands

I'm forever by your side

RIP

xx

The Green Mile

Once in a while a truly life changing brilliant movie is released. It makes you think about your own life and how it's related, the script resonates with you and even may help you in your own life.

I was watching the Green Mile last night, I love the character of John Coffey. He is portrayed as a simple man and yet he's actually the most intelligent man in the whole film in my opinion. He truly see's the world for what it is. Of course there is kindness in the world however it is dominated by an overwhelming Amount of evil, pain and suffering. Our world is not a nice place to live and I don't think many people even realise this. Even know what goes on in the world. They See everything through rose tinted goggles.

I know people in the armed forces, in the police force and work in a hospital,
intensive care etc. The stories you hear..

Watching Green Mile made me realise so many things about myself. Because of what's happened to me and the people I've met who have been through similar, I am under no illusion as to the true nature of the world. And I'm thankful for that wisdom. It also makes me truly grateful and amazed when I do see kindness, it's magical to see.

Something John Coffey says really hit home, I quote:

'He killed them with their love. That's how it is; everyday all over the world.' ~John Coffey.

He's referring to the character who raped and murdered the two little girls. But the way I heard it, he was referring to me and my abuser. I knew my abuser and was trying to help him through a tough time he was having, only now do I realise he used this as a manipulation tool. Used my good nature and kindness to hook me in before taking what he took. I often describe being R'd as being murdered yet still living. It feels like he killed me with my kindness. Killed me with my love. And John Coffey is damn right, this happens all over the world every single day. In sexual violence over 90% is committed by someone the person knew and a large majority of that are In relationships!!

Evil people use love and kindness to commit their acts. They prey on it.

I'm starting to think we would all be much wiser and safer to not love at all.

Do only fools love??

Apologies

Haven't posted in a while, going to try to make more of an effort to write here. My iPhone broke which used to make it a lot easier for me to quickly update my blog, now it's been fixed :-) I receive so many kind messages from people saying wonderful things about y blog and how it helps them. I am sorry to all those who feel let down by the lack of posts. I'm back. And here to keep writing, keep helping myself and others.

Thank you all so much for sticking with me!

It's good to be back :-)

X

Terrified

Past couple of weeks i've been so scared about something approaching. Lots of things have been hard/going wrong lately, i've not been coping very well, drinking, SI and other not nice thoughts BUT I'm still here. Had a friend who's been very poorly and i keep trying tell myself i shouldn't moan about my problems.... but my problems just seem to be overwhelming me and this scary thing happening this week feels like that darn straw thats gonna go break my back.

I've been back at Uni since taking a year out after my r*. My r***st works at my local hospital, and im training to be a nurse, usually my work placements are at this hospital but i've specifically asked to go to this other hospital, a 45 minute drive out my way (when my local one is 5mins down the road) because i can't comprehend bumping into him, can't even think about being in the same building as him. Only now i find out... i'm gonna have too 

My nursing school is being moved to this hospital only is not opening officially until after i graduate in september. However because our school is so crowded they have moved a bunch of my classes lectures to this new school at the hospital. Monday first day im supposed to go. There are 9 lectures at the moment but i guessing gonna be more. They are real important i can't miss them, and could seriously affect me if i didn't go. Im so terrifed, even typing this im fighting hard to not go be sick. The school is on the edge of the hospital so i dont need to go into the main building. Im gonna drive in, park at the carpark next to the school and walk right in. The only chance i have of seeing him is when driving through the grounds. But even this alone is killing me. Just knowing i'll be in the same vicinity as him ...  i can't do it. How can i do? I have no idea how people on pandys cope who have to still regularly see their abusers, i have serious admiration for people who do!
Im scared of seeing him
im scared of being in his presence even if it is in a large hospital
Im scared of having a panic attack in front of my class
scared of fainting
being sick
running out
collapsing....

I can't breathe.

Secrets Bound - Drawing

Representation of my heart