Friday, 12 August 2011

Lights, Camera....FACE!

I haven't spoken much about the events that brought me to blogger, or what happened on that fateful day. I have a hard time accepting the truth, it's kind of hard to write about when you feel like what your writing never happened. But tonight i find myself awake thinking of one moment. A moment that on the 23rd of October, maybe lasted less than 20 seconds. The moment i tried to escape from my attacker.

It's got me thinking about that moment in many horror movies where the girl, the victim, makes a break for it. Usually its a hot skinny blonde with ginourmous boobs, running in some scary woods wearing nothing but an oversized male shirt. The stereotypical murderer with some freaky-ass mask and terrifying weapon is lurking near by. Before she tries to escape she's normally hiding somewhere, trying to assess the situation, assess the amount of danger she is in. By this point she is afraid but not completely sure about what the hell is going on and just how much danger she is in. Amid the confusion something inside of her tells her there's a good chance she's going to get really hurt. Flight or fight mode kicks in, and typically, shes tries to escape....

....In that moment, she is grabbed from behind and pulled back. Always in movies the camera focus' on the girls face, never the attacker, always the victim. Because her face tells a thousands words, you can see the look in her eyes that she knows she is about to get hurt. That face can be pretty terrifying, more terrifying than the axe murderer in fact. Some actresses are pretty good at pulling this horrific 'face' off. I wonder if in real life anyone has ever caught on camera the real look of a person who is about to be pulled back. The look of the girl who knows what comes next. 

In my story there is no ugly mask murderer, there are no woods, there is no fake boobed blonde bombshell. But there is the attempt of escape. Injuring myself as i tried to slip from his clutches. There is the moment i felt his hands grab my waist and pull me back and im pretty certain....there is that face.

No one knows what my face looked like, i couldn't see it, 'he' couldn't see it, there were no audience who could see it. I can't help but think about what it might have looked like.

My mum has often said to me that no one will ever truly understand the horrors of what happened to me on that day, in that room because no one else was there. If it were in a movie, would they be horrified? Would they be afraid for me? Would they cover there eyes with their hands whilst still peering through the gaps in their fingers so they don't miss what's happening? Would they understand better the trauma that consumes me each and every day? Perhaps they wouldn't find it that scary, i often minimise and invalidate my experience to myself maybe there is a reason why i do that, maybe it wasn't all that bad? There was no axe murderer, there was no weapons used, there was no blood curdling scream.

Is it strange that i sometimes feel the desire for people to see it, to see their reaction? 

I guess this is me looking for validation again! A stage i can't seem to pass. I don't know how to begin accepting what has happened to me and validating to myself, that my experience WAS bad, that it WAS horrific and that i have every right to feel hurt and traumatised...

and most importantly, have the right to heal.

I don't think i will ever watch horror movies in the same way as i used to. I don't think i can ever forget the look upon their faces. THAT is where the horror in horror movies come from. Next time you watch a  horror, don't fear the bad guy.....fear that face.


  1. Hey there dearest,

    I think looking for validation is completely understandable. It is impossible for anyone to ever understand the totality of what someone else survived, but as the survivor what we all want and need more than anything is to not be alone with it.

    There are times when I wish rather than having to put memories into words I could pull them out of my head and show someone so they would understand.

    You have the right to heal. You have the right to examine every moment. You have the right to do whatever it is you need to do to get through the aftermath you have been left with. It is a long road, but you aren't alone.

    Laney xxoo

  2. Hello Laney,

    Thank you for your comment, it certainly helps to not feel alone and receiving validation helps massively! Your kind words touched me, its nice to know someone is reading and hearing my voice!

    Pinks x