Thursday, 18 August 2011

Struggling with little self worth

Since everything happened, i have very little self worth and don't think very highly of myself. I often can't look myself in the eyes in my reflection in mirrors. I don't like myself very much. 

I am weak

I've struggled bad with something today. At work a 50 year old doctor came onto only 22. Hes older than my dad. Yesterday i thought i saw him taking photos of me at i find out he did. He asked me to meet him after work as he wanted to talk to me about something, said he would meet me by my car. He then suspiciously came out with 'dont worry im not a rapist or a stalker or something'.... who says that?!?! I spent the whole day worried about the end of my shift. At the end as i walked to my car he wasn't in sight, i was so relieved, i got in the car and went to drive off as he popped up next to my car. I got out saying 'oh sorry i forgot you wanted a chat'. He tells me he is very intrigued by me and just wanted to get to know me, but thought i might get into trouble talking at work. He said he doesnt mean me any harm, he just wants to be my friend. He said he likes the way i look.....and liked my tattoo's which made me more attractive. By this point my heart was in my throat. Boom Boom Boom. Said he would like to meet me one time. Gave me his phone number which he had already pre-written. It felt like i was standing there for hours. He told me not to worry that he had deleted them photos, but can he please have another one...i asked him why, he said because i like looking you :bawling: he then said bye....and

stroked my chin :tear: 

I came home and burned the number, went in the shower and scrubbed my chin until it was practically bleeding (i now look pretty stupid!) I feel so sick, so dirty. Im terrified of working back on that ward. I don't know what to do. I feel to scared to report to his superior as he is a respected psychiatrist. Im too scared to report it to my superiors because they know about my r* and if i then tell them this...will they just think i am a liar.

I think any other person probably could have brushed this off, thinking 'eww pervert'. But because of what ive been through, i dunno its triggered me so bad.

But most of all.....i hate myself!!!!!!! Since my r* i've said to myself should anything ever happen similar or where i feel threatened i am going to stand up for myself and fight. Im going to be brave. Today i literally just stood there, scared little girl, telling him 'sure thats ok! and yeah sure we can meet!' WHAT THE FUCK! i'm such a coward, i feel like someone should just shoot me i'm so pathetic.

Im also now wondering, do i attract people that are sick and twisted in the head???? Do i have victim written on my forehead? Am i set up for a lifetime of abuse, or inappropriate sexual behavior towards me?

Maybe i should just allow people to abuse me, if thats all i am worth

I don't know what to do :confused: 


  1. You are not set up for a life of abuse.
    If the story has reached him, being in the profession of psychiatry he is in, he is using his ability to manipulate and push the buttons anyone who knows your story could push.
    He was way out of line.
    He knows that.
    Otherwise, he wouldn't have been bothered by talking to you at work.
    You haven't failed yourself in this life honey.
    You had a moment and it was one of those moments where a manipulator knew what to do, and did it.
    What you choose to do with it from this point forward will either build your self esteem or continue the crushing.

    Find the strength to take back your power. So, if he approaches you again, you can be the 22 year old courageous woman you are and say, "no thanks. And don't touch me again. And if I see you taking pictures of me again, I will report you."

    He's not expecting you to call his bluff. And if he has any reputation at all, he won't want to be called out by the rest of his colleagues.

    You are loveable. You do matter. You are making a positive difference in your life, one day at a time.

  2. Thank you for sharing this. "Inappropriate" is not a strong enough word to describe this person's behavior. Predatory...maybe that's better.

    Often, I think being courageous means getting through a situation in whatever way you are able. You are very courageous. And you survived this.

    As a fellow woman existing in this world, I have experienced inappropriate acts and sexual harassment many times throughout my life. I don't name myself as a survivor of sexual assault, but I know for certain I would have felt totally violated by this encounter too. I think I would have probably done the same thing you did too...say whatever was necessary to get the heck away from him safely. Even though he was trying to come off as a "nice guy", the sheer existence of the power differential meant that you could not be on equal ground on that exchange...he counts on that dynamic to get what he wants, which makes him pathetic...not you. The way you navigated that shows you are able to persist and survive under very high-pressure circumstances. Even if we wish we'd chosen other means of protecting ourselves, the fact remains that you did protect yourself and that is admirable no matter what.

    There are a lot of guys like him in this world. I believe though, that there are more people that do not wish to be a part of a community where he can get away with stuff like that. His actions are not a reflection on you. He is the only person who should be held accountable for what he does. As far as reporting...that's completely up to you. If it will help your healing to take that step, go for it. There are risks and with any course of action. It might help to regain some power if you go through the possibilities one by one...if you report, what are the possible outcomes, if you don't report, what are the possible outcomes. Seeing it all laid out like that might make the path come into better focus. Whatever you do, I hope you don't have to go it alone, even if that means just calling a hotline to talk it out.

    Take good care. You will be on my mind today...if it's possible for good energy to reach you, know that I will be putting much of it into the world right now. You are believed and you are worthy of respect.

  3. Reading this made me really mad. I'm trying to find words to support you and try to make you feel a bit better but honestly I feel like hitting this guy with a smack in the face.

    His behaviour was extremely inappropriate. Perhaps because of what we have been through we know what some men are capable of which means that the alarm bells ring a little louder for us and that's why you (quite rightly/understandbly) reacted the way you did. I think Sharon is right warn him off if he approaches you again.

    I would probably feel the same as you in this situation but try and remember that you are worth so so much more than you feel right now.

    I'm sorry this has happened. I'm sorry he made you feel victimized again.

    You are amazing and doing fantastic.

    Lizzie x