Wednesday, 31 August 2011

Running. Masks. Despair

Recently had another wave of depression swoop over me, leaving my blog a little neglected the past week.

Went away over the weekend to Wales, to a little town i have visited every year since i was a baby. In fact its the 3rd time i've been this year and im going back again in a couple of weeks. Its really my second home, i often dream of running away from my city with all its reminders and abuser ever present lurking somewhere in these city streets. Running far far away to my little quiet village in wales where no body knows my history, knows what im running from. Where there is no fear of running into 'him'. I wish it was a possibility.

I thought that getting away might lift this depression slightly, but it hasn't. I have come back feeling as a low as over. I can't seem to shake that as of tomorrow it will be September the 1st - the month i met my abuser. After that will be October - the month 'it' happened, one year ago. Im not sure how i am going to get through this.

I have no therapy this week as my therapist is in court all week. Its scary how much i rely on these weekly meetings, that one hour (sometimes two) every week where i can take off my mask, and be the girl who is suffering to survive after her rape. The rest of the time i am the girl who is 'ok' after surviving a bad trauma. I get so tired of wearing this mask. Its an exhausting week knowing i don't have that one hour outlet to verbally puke out all the thoughts swimming in my head and have them listened to and receiving a supportive response.

Like i said, its scary how much i depend on my therapist. On that hour.
Till next week i guess im stuck to deal with this despair on my own.
Oh well....rant over....

.....time to put back on that smiling mask!


  1. I don't know how this feels for you. I only know what has worked for me. This week without is kind of a growing experience and will show your strength at the end when you are back in the office with your therapist. Not because you ran out and saved the world but simply because you survived. You survived the rape as well.

    In this moment of alone-ness, what would you tell someone you love very much who has been through what you have been through and are going through now? Would you hold that person? Would you let that person be real and not have to wear a mask?

    Is it possible, until you meet the therapist again to treat yourself as kindly as you would the person you were led to take care of that had gone through those things?

    These questions may cause you to become angry and upset even with me for daring to ask. I know they made me upset once. And yet, I grew. While you are in this place, don't worry about the mask, honey. Take care of the sweet girl who has been traumatized. Love her. Cherish her. Protect her. For she is so deserving of your very best. Until next time, big hugs and ♥.

  2. Oh dear, I feel so badly for you. I have to tell you that I have been checking back on your blog and noticed that you hadn't posted in awhile and was hoping that you weren't in a bad place.

    I know that I really leaned on those hours weekly sessions. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who doesn't judge and is so supportive of you and your situation. It is possible to make it through this dark time and I am sure that you will pull through. On the weeks that I didn't get to see my therapist it was very helpful to me to write down what I was thinking and feeling. I don't know if that would help you or not, but it's worth tossing out there.

    Good luck!