Posting on my blog has been difficult for me of late. The same can be said for a survivor support forum i regularly use. I remember a time when i would reach out all the time! Post whatever is running through my mind in hope for some support from a kind stranger. Its getting harder and harder to reach out. The only person i am truly honest with is my therapist...in fact even that is a lie, i'd say I'm 80% honest with her. I lie to everyone now.
'How are you doing?'
'Yeah I'm okay thanks, how are you?' - Why is it so damn hard to just tell the truth!
I get so frustrated with the people who are aware of what's going on with me, they often just accept that answer and ask no more questions. I feel like they should know I'm not okay, they should know when i don't want to talk, and when in fact i'd like to but perhaps scared to bring it up incase of bringing a downer to the conversation. I know i can't expect people to be psychic but i'd like to think at least the people in my life who know me well, know enough to know when i am not okay!
I guess what's got me thinking about this, is my anniversary. 11 month anniversary. Tomorrow.
I am dreading the stroke of midnight on my clock-face.
Each time i don't know how I'm going to get through the day. Things would be so much easier, so much more peaceful if when i went to sleep...i never awoke the next morning. The hardest thing about tomorrow is knowing its my last 'month' anniversary. The next one is one year. One Year. I know for sure i can't survive this one. The week before my family are going away to Spain, they will be back for the 23rd but (and i'd never admit this to them) I'm scared of them leaving in the approaching week. Because I'm scared of what i may be capable of doing. My mum has been begging me to try to find some money to go with them, i know this is because she is afraid to leave me alone.
If anyone has any advice on how to get through the month of October and the 23rd, please let me know. I'm drowning here.
.....Wake me up when October ends.....
Sometimes we lie out of fear - fear of bringing the conversation or the other person down, as you mentioned; fear of the other person's rejection because they have become tired of hearing our stories; fear of appearing hopeless to the other person. Sometimes we lie because when we tell others that we are fine that is how we wish we were. Sometimes we are just too tired of telling the same story over and over again. We just wish it would all go away but it never does. Sometimes we see ourselves as stuck when we really aren't.
ReplyDeleteIn order for me to connect with my own story, I had to tell it over and over again in order for me to "hear" my story and to fully accept it as mine. For so many years I stayed in my head, totally denying what had happened to my body.
I don't have an anniversary date that I can come up with. I can tell you that it was summer, school was out and I was 11 years old. I can, because of my age, come up with a year. I don't remember the day and date that the incest started. As much as I want to believe that I was 11 when the sexual abuse started, I have several clues that I may have been as young as 2 or 3 but I don't have memories of it happening that young.
You have to hang on, make it through this first anniversary in October. The first is always the hardest. You have the strength and courage to face that day and make it through it. Sometimes those closest to us want to accept our "I am fine." and our "I am okay." because they are afraid of bringing us more pain if they question what we just said. They often follow our directing of conversations because they don't want to cause us more pain by confronting us. It takes a special kind of friend to say, "No, you are not okay. What is going on with you?"
Take a chance on yourself. Open up to someone about how you are really feeling. Reach out to other survivors, like me, who are willing to listen to whatever you need to say.
Thank you so much for your comment Pat, i apologise for only just replying to it.
ReplyDeleteI am intrigued that you had to tell your story over and over for you to finally connect with it. My therapist has been asking me for months to write out my story and read it out loud, either to her, or just to myself. I haven't been able to manage to write it out. But i know its something i need to do.
Is the summer a particular difficult time for you or do you no longer allow it to control you in that way? I wish i could be like that one day. I agree it does take a special sort of friend to ask that, i tend to find only my online friends who are fellow survivors ask me that question. People in my real life just accept it, either because they genuinely believe i am ok, or like you said, do not want to cause me more pain.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and support me! It means the world!
Pinks x