Saturday, 3 September 2011

What's wrong with me?

I think something is seriously wrong with me.

Today i worked at a place ive never worked before, at a low secure units for criminals who have mental health issues.
I started the shift nervous - as it was all male criminals - but ending up being fine, they were all really nice and friendly, lovely to me, made me drinks. Then i asked the nurse about the unit and she told me about it, said if im interested to read their files....

Well first the guy i'd just been chatting for ages was a baby killer, murdered his baby boy  (in his bad mental health state thought he was the devil and killed him)
And then i find out there is a rapist and a man who indecently has exposed himself to his children in the past.

I now have to work with these people. Weird thing is, on another ward about a month ago, i encounted a child molester, it made me so ill, and i refused to nurse him and stayed far far away from this creep, made so uncomfortable. This didnt phase me! WHY!!!

Is it because i am so disconnected from everything? from my R*? from other people's R*?
Both these incidents were many many years ago and they had both served time for it, they were now serving time for things like stealing etc and were in the unit due to the mental issues they had. But thats besides the point, these people have seriously affected someone elses life, regardless of how long ago it was, regardless of the fact they had served there time. For some reason the fact they were sexual offenders didnt seem to connect in my head....i even played pool with one of them!!! I was thinking i should beating the shit out of this guy with the pool que and yet the feelings of hatred and disgust just didn't connect. WHY! I feel like a freak, i feel like ive betrayed myself and all other survivors out there. Its so hard because its my job and i cant just ignore these people and treat them like shit, but what is bothering me is the fact that it all just didn't phase me. Didn't affect me.

What also is making me feel so disgusting is the fact there was a staff member there that looked quite a bit like my rapist. At first i had a mini attack but then calmed myself down assuring myself it wasn't him. But then he kept coming over and talking to me. He was nice. Whats worse is...i kind of fancied him. WHAT?! i fancied a guy who looks a bit like my rapist! I mean my rapist was tall, dark and quite good looking (what i normally go for) and there are a lot of people who obviously will look like him, and its freaking me out the fact that i am going to be attracted to these people? This is so messed up and confusing me and making me feel so disgusting. But then i can hardly go and change my type in men? Im so sorry to be ranting, im probably not even making any sense, ive just walked through the door in such a daze, i cant explain my behaviour today and its making me hate myself even more. I feel so dirty and disgusting.

Please can someone help me make sense of all this, i feel like such a disgusting freak.
It's almost like i was fine at work, but now im at home the truth is starting to sink in and i feel myself becoming triggered by todays events, i think its going to be a bad night

Please if you dont hate me for how ive behaved today...please sit with me


  1. Triggers bring up the feelings causing us to link people to places that some have no business being in.

    Just a thought: And I tread lightly here, after surviving my own rape and not getting the justice I thought should have happened, it took me years to work through it. I still have moments.

    So, for a moment, just imagine that those you were okay working with, maybe are trying to figure their way out of the hell they were in when they committed those aweful crimes. Does that justify what they did? NO!

    And everyone, everyone needs the opportunity to change.

    This doesn't make you a bad, disgusting person. This makes you a little more healthy than you feel like is okay to be right now maybe. I mean after all, if you don't hold it against those folks, then how can you hold it against your rapist, right? Because then you would be justifying his actions. Which NON of it is true.

    Honey, you were raped by a very disturbed person. He took something that didn't belong to him.

    You aren't a disgusting freak. You are just working through some crazy stuff that happened to you.

    Is it okay if I tell you, you are still loveable? You are still beautiful. You didn't deserve it. It didn't make you a bad person. And taking care of those criminals didn't make you bad either.

    Be gentle with yourself.♥

  2. I couldn't comment on this at the time of writing as the post upset me, but reading it back i just wanted you to know how much your comment helped me and made me cry! a good way of course!

    Thank you for your kind words and for helping to change my perception on things. Helped me change my attitude and understand things from your point of view.

    Sending you hugs Pastor Sharon, thanks so much