Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Letter to the universe....

Dear Universe,

I would firstly like to apologise for whatever it is i did to offend you. Since September 2010 you have tested and tested and tested me more than i thought humanly possible. The one huge incident which lead me to create this blog was quite enough to be getting on with and yet you punish me still. I am wondering if perhaps a mistake has been made in your office? Has my name been mistaken for someone else's? A very bad person who deserves bad things to happen to them? Or has my file which explains the good natured soul that resides inside this body of mine been misplaced? The events that have made up these hellish months are not deserving of a person like myself. Therefore i cannot help but assume a mistake has been made somewhere. Let me remind you of what makes up these past 9 months of my life:

  1. The break down of my 3 1/2 year long relationship to a wonderful man
  2. Being sexually assaulted by the 'kind' friend who tried to help me during the aftermath of my painful break up
  3. Suffering from PTSD, severe depression, anxiety and panic attacks
  4. My family going through pain seeing me this way
  5. Being denied justice by the legal system and knowing he has walked free
  6. The CPS ( for 3!!! months tomorrow) trying to get out of meeting with me to explain why they didn't prosecute and me being trapped in this endless turmoil, waiting for my meeting, to ask why they dropped the case when they had a confession from him in text messages to myself
  7. Having to fight suicide every second of every day and turning to self half as a way of coping
  8. My abuser being able to return to work at the hospital meaning i have to leave due to terrifying fear of seeing him in the hallways
  9. Being forced to take a year out of university due to not coping and because i didn't show up for a month and a half and missed an assignment submission
  10. Not being able to work for 4 months due to all of the above
  11. Getting into debt due to not being able to work and continue with my university course
  12. Lending money to a much needed holiday to get away, and then my passport getting lost and me being stranded in America for an additional five days with no money and no luggage
  13. Attempting suicide in America before being stopped by the police
  14. Travel insurance refusing to pay out for all the additional costs incurred because they are scamming bastards!

....and now sweet universe, after ALL of the above, on saturday you decide to throw a car crash into the mix!! You really couldn't make all this up if you tried! A car crash.... CAR CRASH! I have finally done my first shift back at work last week and now i am unable to work again due to severe whiplash! I no longer have a car thanks to it being smashed into, i can't afford a new one.

But do you want to hear the best of it? For months i have prayed to be in an accident, drove fast round corners in the rain hoping to slide and flip my car, hoping for it all to end, to not exist anymore, for the pain to be gone. Now you finally answer that prayer...and all i get is whiplash! You couldn't even have the decency or kindness in your heart to just finish me off, no you want to see me suffer further. Wow your guys in the office must be laughing their heads off! 15 soul destroying, heart breaking incidents in the space of 9 months, i tremble to think what's next?

I refuse to believe you have done this to me, a mistake must have been made.

I don't deserve this.

This can't be my life.


  1. Hi,
    Well,I would say can't get any worse but I won't cause every time I say that it does. You poor thing I would love to give a big hug cause I know how deflated you must be feeling. If its any consolation I know it well (((hugs)))

  2. That's it Pinks get it out! I remember doing the exact same thing, listing out all the crap that goes along with what happened. I was reading your list and mine is similar to yours, All that we've lost, all the time that has been given to living through this hell and there is no explanation or justification for it. It is what it is a horribly unfair list of things that we have had to endure following our attacks, and we can get no justice from our justice systems, but there will be the day when we look back at all we have been through and smile and think f*** you I didn't let you defeat me - I survived.


  3. That is a lot for anyone to have to go through. It is good to get these things out. There is a LOT of pain in this post. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of it. BIG (((((HUGS))))