Wednesday, 22 June 2011

15 Minutes to go....

In 15 minutes time it will be my eighth month anniversary.

Tomorrow will be a day filled with:
'At this time i was....'
'At this time he was...'

I find anniversaries very exhausting physically and mentally. Its hard because everyone around you forgets. Forgets today is the 23rd, forgets what's running through your mind, forgets what your body is remembering worse than any other day. Eight months already, time just keeps on ticking by. I feel like I'm stuck in the past whilst everything around me continues to keep moving forward. Sometimes i get so jumbled with my days, a few days ago i was convinced it was July and yet i always seem to know when the 23rd is approaching, there has only been one time i forgot and that was a very dark time. I wasn't even aware if it was morning or night let alone the date.

What's been worse about the past two anniversaries is my numbness. I have an inability to feel.....well, anything! No sadness, no grief, no tears, no pain, no joy, no nervousness. During my dark times i would have given anything to not feel. Now i spend my time just wishing to feel anything! All i want to do is cry, and feel the pain like i used to. At least that way i can process it, work through and try to deal with it. At the minute i feel like I'm pushing it all under the rug, saving it for another day and I'm fed up of it. I JUST WANT TO FEEL AND GRIEVE FOR WHAT I HAVE LOST! - is that too much to ask??

What really scares me about it being my eighth month anni is the fact its one month closer to the one year mark. I don't want to reach one year, that day will be a living nightmare. I feel like i'd rather die than face it. It terrifies me. I would love for time to stop still and for me to stay in this moment forever, i don't want life to continue with me having to live like this each and every single day. I don't want to reach that one year mark.

I still have a few months to get yet, i guess for now i just need to focus on getting through tomorrow....

Im going to need a lot of cigarets.....


and alcohol.

1 comment:

  1. Hey pinks, i'm thinking of you today. I can relate to well everything really that you've written in this post. I'll be in the same boat next week with my 11 month mark, I'm dreading it. I also know how it feels to desperately want to feel something, anything. Be patient with yourself and it will come. Sending you lots and lots of safe hugs today. ((HUGS))) Lizzie x