Autumns Haunt (2yr anniversary) :(

Green leaves are losing colour
Another year has come and gone
Brown and shrivelled
Dance their way to the ground
Here they lie
Here they die
Another year come and gone

And I'm right
back
there
Back to autumn
Collapsed on your cloud
And I'm free
Free
Falling
Into that night
Under the blue walls

Can you here me screaming
You're the reason my voice bleeds
My heart has gone from green to lifeless
Here I lie
Here I die
Another years come and gone.

And I'm right
back
there
Back to autumn
Collapsed on your cloud
And I'm free
Free
Falling
Into that night
Under the blue walls

And I'll wait for the darkness end,
For brighter seasons to bring me back to life.
But in the light
Here I still lie
Here I still die
Another year come and gone

but nothing's changed at all.

Always There

When you took everythingan unwanted gift remainedthe darkness and the painit's always there
When boiling waterrains down my bodycan't take away the factit's always there
When elusive laughterspreads across my faceim quickly brought backit's always there
When darkness fallsand sleep evadesI feel your touchit's always there
When silver flashesand the red river flowsonly numbs brieflyit's always there
When i forget for a seconda trigger breaks freeit comes back to meit's always there
When healing progressesIm two steps backYour gift weighs heavyit's always there
When life gets hecticthere's little time to thinkyet still somehowit's always there
When I'm called a survivorConfusions left behindHow is this surviving?it's always there
No matter how hardi try to move onit's always there...
...what's the point?

The Jar

On 7/1/2012 one of my best friends committed suicide. I had met him online years before, on a support forum, he was a fellow survivor.

Yesterday marked 6 months since his death and I still cannot accept the fact he's gone. It kills me everyday knowing I'll never hear his voice or see him again. I'm filled with anger at the people who hurt him, who made him think there was no way out, no hope.

I'm not a religious person, I don't really believe in life after death. But I do like to imagine he watches over me, it's a nice thought. I like to think of him as a butterfly, free from the darkness. I'm sure he's off flying somewhere, wings filled with all the colours of the rainbow. He had such a beautiful colourful heart.

I Wish I could be off flying with him.

I struggle with feeling suicidal myself and have previously attempted it, let's face it the world isn't exactly a nice place to live. But his death has shown me the pain it leaves behind. He didn't get rid of his pain he just transferred it onto me. I get angry with him about that sometimes but then again I'll take that pain if it means he is happy and at peace.

This drawing and poem is for my Penguin. For anyone who is feeling suicidal please seek help, call a helpline, anything. Death is so final, I have to believe there is always hope...

The Jar

Trapped inside
Wings folded tight
Darkness all consuming


The claws they grasp
Fog is swirling
Echos of screams is overwhelming


Hell's gates are closed
The fires deserted
The demons take residence here


Glass treasures the pain
The way is shut
Cruel taunt of life's design

-----------

Freedom Wings

Words breakaway

The pain i feel now you're gone

Taken too soon

Your shadow lingers in my light

I place no blame, the darkness is gone

Free from your jar

You're where you belong

Wish i could be in that perfect place

where you now reside

Flying free

Holding hands

I'm forever by your side

RIP

xx

The Green Mile

Once in a while a truly life changing brilliant movie is released. It makes you think about your own life and how it's related, the script resonates with you and even may help you in your own life.

I was watching the Green Mile last night, I love the character of John Coffey. He is portrayed as a simple man and yet he's actually the most intelligent man in the whole film in my opinion. He truly see's the world for what it is. Of course there is kindness in the world however it is dominated by an overwhelming Amount of evil, pain and suffering. Our world is not a nice place to live and I don't think many people even realise this. Even know what goes on in the world. They See everything through rose tinted goggles.

I know people in the armed forces, in the police force and work in a hospital,
intensive care etc. The stories you hear..

Watching Green Mile made me realise so many things about myself. Because of what's happened to me and the people I've met who have been through similar, I am under no illusion as to the true nature of the world. And I'm thankful for that wisdom. It also makes me truly grateful and amazed when I do see kindness, it's magical to see.

Something John Coffey says really hit home, I quote:

'He killed them with their love. That's how it is; everyday all over the world.' ~John Coffey.

He's referring to the character who raped and murdered the two little girls. But the way I heard it, he was referring to me and my abuser. I knew my abuser and was trying to help him through a tough time he was having, only now do I realise he used this as a manipulation tool. Used my good nature and kindness to hook me in before taking what he took. I often describe being R'd as being murdered yet still living. It feels like he killed me with my kindness. Killed me with my love. And John Coffey is damn right, this happens all over the world every single day. In sexual violence over 90% is committed by someone the person knew and a large majority of that are In relationships!!

Evil people use love and kindness to commit their acts. They prey on it.

I'm starting to think we would all be much wiser and safer to not love at all.

Do only fools love??

Apologies

Haven't posted in a while, going to try to make more of an effort to write here. My iPhone broke which used to make it a lot easier for me to quickly update my blog, now it's been fixed :-) I receive so many kind messages from people saying wonderful things about y blog and how it helps them. I am sorry to all those who feel let down by the lack of posts. I'm back. And here to keep writing, keep helping myself and others.

Thank you all so much for sticking with me!

It's good to be back :-)

X

Terrified

Past couple of weeks i've been so scared about something approaching. Lots of things have been hard/going wrong lately, i've not been coping very well, drinking, SI and other not nice thoughts BUT I'm still here. Had a friend who's been very poorly and i keep trying tell myself i shouldn't moan about my problems.... but my problems just seem to be overwhelming me and this scary thing happening this week feels like that darn straw thats gonna go break my back.

I've been back at Uni since taking a year out after my r*. My r***st works at my local hospital, and im training to be a nurse, usually my work placements are at this hospital but i've specifically asked to go to this other hospital, a 45 minute drive out my way (when my local one is 5mins down the road) because i can't comprehend bumping into him, can't even think about being in the same building as him. Only now i find out... i'm gonna have too 

My nursing school is being moved to this hospital only is not opening officially until after i graduate in september. However because our school is so crowded they have moved a bunch of my classes lectures to this new school at the hospital. Monday first day im supposed to go. There are 9 lectures at the moment but i guessing gonna be more. They are real important i can't miss them, and could seriously affect me if i didn't go. Im so terrifed, even typing this im fighting hard to not go be sick. The school is on the edge of the hospital so i dont need to go into the main building. Im gonna drive in, park at the carpark next to the school and walk right in. The only chance i have of seeing him is when driving through the grounds. But even this alone is killing me. Just knowing i'll be in the same vicinity as him ...  i can't do it. How can i do? I have no idea how people on pandys cope who have to still regularly see their abusers, i have serious admiration for people who do!
Im scared of seeing him
im scared of being in his presence even if it is in a large hospital
Im scared of having a panic attack in front of my class
scared of fainting
being sick
running out
collapsing....

I can't breathe.

Secrets Bound - Drawing

Representation of my heart

Happy Freakin' Birthday

Well today is my birthday. 23 years old.

This post is going to sound incredibly depressing but I really see no reason to celebrate another year that I'm alive. Frankly I'm disappointed. But the show must go on...

During tough times it would be lovely if time could just stand still. The phrase 'time waits for no one' is all too true! It would be so helpful if time could just wait for me to recover from this trauma and stop propelling me forwards through my life. The gap year from Uni I took due to this trauma ends in March and I'm dreading going back. I'm supposed to be working on my assignments now but how can I in this state?

If I had one wish for my birthday it would be for time to stand still until I have dealt with what's happened to me and much further along the healing process..... now that's wishful thinking!

Goodbye November

I'm sorry I haven't posted this month. Things have been difficult following the anniversary and ive gotten a new puppy which is taking up a lot of my time. My mum allowed me to get her during my darkest days to have something to love and look after. Something to aid my healing. But its only recently i found the perfect pooch! Her name is Willow meaning 'freedom' I hope to be free from these chains one day. Therapy is getting so hard, she's really challenging me and pushing me every session. It takes so much out of me I guess I have no energy left to bare my soul on here. On a positive note I do have a website under construction. I have plans to turn TWOR a.k.a 'the war on rape' into a non-profit business raising awareness on sexual violence and providing support to survivors. It's quite exciting!!

Neglecting my blog is not something I take lightly and I know I need to reach out here more. I promise to try harder, it's just hard to open that locked box of secrets and despair.

After The Storm

Well my anniversary didn't exactly go to plan, decided i couldn't cope with it and smartly *sarcasm* chose to overdose on sleeping tablets. I spent over 30 hours knocked out in my bed, so technically i didn't have a one year anniversary, it didn't exist and i didn't have to deal with it .... seems to be the story of my life lately! Ignorance is bliss and all that jazz!


The days after have been hard, this week i had a very tough therapy session where she forced me to look forwards and write down 'where i am heading,' something i find very difficult as i don't envision much of a future for me. Being positive and hopeful is something i seem to really avoid. I lack the energy and drive to put effort into trying to heal and therefore it seems like I'm forever standing in the same spot, moving neither forwards nor backwards. Where do you find the drive to heal when you have little worth for your life? What is it exactly I'm supposed to be fighting for? What is it about life that is god damn great??....


... today i saw in my local news a story about a young man in my town jailed for five years for sexually assaulting five girls under the age of sixteen, i read on in the story only to read it's someone I KNOW! Someone i used to hang around with when i was younger, a 'really nice' guy who was very clever with lots of ambition. Apparently he's now a music teacher and it was his students he abused. I feel so physically sick, i keep looking at his mug shot photo, i can't help it! There are a lot of things on my facebook about it at the moment, angry facebook status' which led me to being really upset. Im so pleased that these girls have gotten justice, I'm happy everyone has seen him for the sicko he really is, I'm happy people are calling him out on it on facebook but with that happiness also comes a great deal of personal sadness. Perhaps even a selfish kind of sadness .... that i never got this recognition! 'His' name was never published in the papers, 'his' crime was never shared for the world to see, i never had people sticking up for me and i never had the justice i so wanted and deserved... perhaps this is a selfish thought but i can't help but be overwhelmed with jealousy for those very few people who do get justice, validation and perhaps a sense of closure.


I see a great amount of evil in this world, and my eyes have been opened up to more horrors that you don't hear about in the news, the more 'silent' world of sexual and domestic abuse...


Why would i want to live in a world this cruel?

Heart Full of Pain

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 7


With my anniversary tomorrow i have little words. By chance i found this striking photo with a paragraph underneath that manages to describe me exactly. I have included the paragraph below along with the reference to where the writing came from.

the only word to describe this feeling is numb. she cant feel anymore, she cant even allow herself to feel anymore. every time it just ends in disappointment. there is never a happy ending, never ends with a smile. behind those piercing blue eyes is nothing but pain and lost. its obvious when shes crying but she holds those tears back. and so if you look closely behind the smile, youll see the hurt. there is no happiness in this thing called life, at least not for her. no fairy tale ending. just ever present and constant reminders of a life she never dreamed of. a life which she doesnt want to live. a life she doesnt know what to do with. surrounded by things she cant escape and doesnt know how to deal with. past lives coming back to haunt and be relived. nobodys been there for her and no one ever will be. its a self defeating attitude and she knows it but she cant seem to shake it. shes learning the hard way you can only look out for number one. that you are the only one looking out for you. but she doesnt even know how to do that. she doesnt know how to come to her own defenses. how to come to her own rescue. shes stopped believing in friendship. shes stopped believing in love. shes stopped believing in survivng. shes only exsisting. walking around like a puppet. going through the motions she needs to so people dont ask too many questions. she wants to reach out so bad, wants someone close to her. to hear her and be there for her. but when she turns around to find a friend, her own shadow is all she sees. its not the life she dreamed of but its the life shes living. shes been doing it so long that shes a pro now. and so although you may see a smile on that face of hers, know that her heart is full of pain.

Writing taken from and credit given too: http://koolkate.tumblr.com/post/908767571/a-heart-full-of-pain

Silenced

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 6

This picture is so hauntingly beautiful and tells a thousand words. I don't think i need to give an explanation is to why i relate to this photo so much, speaks for itself. I've been feeling like this girl more and more especially leading up to my anniversary, which is why i have chosen her for Day 6.

Insignificant Dot

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 5


This picture is yesterdays picture. Unfortunately i was unable to post yesterday which i apologise for. The pale blue dot in the photo is Earth from 4 billion miles away, look how insignificant it is on the grand scale of things... what's even more shocking, is imagining how small i am in this photo. If the Earth is an insignificant dot, than what the hell am i and my problems? In the grand scheme of things ....


.... do i really matter?

The Lonely

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 4


Today i have included two photos, these pictures i drew myself in Art Therapy on Monday and yesterday in normal therapy spent a great deal of time talking about. Challenging my opinions on myself and the situations and why I'm struggling to move forwards. It was a tough session. I wanted to share the two photos i drew with you as my emotions for today....

Burden

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 3

Is there something on my back??

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 2
The woman in this photo looks so defeated, sad and lonely. I also get the sense she has given up as she isn't even bothering to struggle with the weight anymore. Her head is turned away from the world, away from the weight on her shoulders.... I relate to this woman.

Tumbling Down the Rabbit Hole

My Day, Thoughts and Feeling summed up in one Photo, leading upto Anniversary... Day 1

Without Words

As you'll be aware (as its all I harp on about lately on here!) Is that one week tomorrow...will be my One year anniversary. I've been fighting to much just to get through the days...keep the smile plastered across my face for all to see that its just so exhausting I haven't had much time to write. 


What i've been really struggling with - which no doubt sounds so damn ridiculous - is that here in the UK at the moment we have to reality shows on at the minute, Xfactor and Strictly come Dancing. On BOTH shows there is someone who shares the first name of my abuser. Naturally everyone in my house watches these shows and every weekend I have to 'his' name echoing up the stairs. It send chills through my bones, and on occasion has sparked a flashback. I hate this, it effects me so much, i go into a supermarket and the cashier has his name,
I go to a restaurant and the guy says 'Hi my name is C... and ill be your waiter this evening'. I can't escape him, I can't escape it, I can't escape from my own mind.


Another thing I have been struggling with is the fact my family who I live with, have gone away for a week. They will be back 2 days before my anni, but im all alone in the house leading up to that time. I've got my therapists number on speed dial in case of any emergencies, but it scares me just knowing that sometimes I feel capable of being in an 'emergency'. Im trying my hardest, although admittedly sometimes I wonder what it is im fighting for.


For next week, as of monday because i know ill be without words, instead i am going to post a single photo that represents how i am feeling that day, leading up to my anni on the 23rd.....


Stay tuned, and thanks for all of you who read this blog and offer your support.

The Twenty-three Hundred Hour Storm

She leaves her friend after a pleasant evening of hot chocolate, marshmallows and a good romantic comedy.


Saying farewell at the door she glimpses the raging storm outside - heavy rainfall, thunder and high speed winds - oddly peaceful and comforting. She smiles to herself as she makes a run for it, becoming impossibly soaked in just a few short seconds. Collapsing into the drivers seat she has a quick glance in the rear view mirror, as usual a stranger stares back at her. The unknown girls brown hair is windswept and and clumped from the large droplets of rain and her dull blue eyes are smeared with black mascara at the edges. She recalls a time when these eyes sparkled, like diamonds in the rough... but she knew this girl had long disappeared, unsure of when or if she'd see her again. Attention from the mirror is quickly withdrawn and she flicks to her favourite track on the CD currently in the player; starting the ignition and turning on the lights, she drives.


Driving home in adequate spirits she braves the weather and rolls down the window slightly to have a cigarette. Softly singing to the song echoing through the vehicle she drives through the torrential rain fall, windscreen wipers at full speed. As she turns a corner a carefully aimed swoop of wind drives water directly through the window splashing on her face. She laughs to herself as her face drips with rainwater. Continuing the drive and nearing home another smaller burst of rain manages to rocket through the small gap in the window and splashes on her face. Suddenly she is without breath. Her heart rate increases and the dull blue eyes widen in horror as a memory comes to the surface. A memory where a diamond blue eyed girl meets up with a new male friend in her car and they go for a drive in the rain.


Unable to see through the rainfall they park down a side street, enjoying the loud noise of the rain bouncing off the car roof. So much laughter, so much good conversation. At the time her old banger vehicle had a leak and water started to seep through the light in the roof, dripping onto her face. The man finds this hilarious. They both laugh as the water continues to drip from the roof of the car, splashing them as the droplets fell. He wipes the water off her face and smiles at her. She feels so safe around him.


As soon as the memory had come it quickly dissolved, leaving the girl barely breathing. Her smile has faded, her dull blue eyes now grey and her hands tightly grip the steering wheel.  To an outsider this would be perceived as a happy memory, but not to the dull eyed girl. Driving home in a trance-like-state, flash-cards of more images, memories, are burned into her eyes. Like quickly flicking through a photo album, still frames of a certain memory darted across her field of vision. These images were far from happy. Time had fast forward and the location had changed but they involved the same two people, the male friend and the girl with diamond blue eyes.  The images held many secrets, secrets that were buried, secrets to painful and unimaginable for the girl to envision. She tried to fight the images off, knowing ultimately what the ending would be, but this time she couldn't fight it. The final image showed the sparkle drain out of the girls eyes....


Pulling up on the street to her house she turned off the ignition and sat their frozen. Rain pellets belted the front window and danced down the glass, mirroring the tears now waltzing down her face. She was angry at herself for allowing the nearly one year old images to play through her mind. The truth was unacceptable and incomprehensible, it needed to stay locked in its Pandoras Box... despite this belief she heard a quiet voice, shouting from a dark deep place inside her soul,
'Say it, admit the truth, just say it, say it out loud'.
She tried to  obey the tiny voice and whispered,
'I was..., I was....', but the final word escaped her.


Distressed and vulnerable, she did what she does best and locked up Pandoras Box. The 23:00 hour storm that brought this brief moment of clarity calmed down and she walked up the back to the safety of her home.


The tiny voice inside her soul shook its head and exclaimed 'I will try again tomorrow....'
The memories sunk back to depths at which they came from...

Monster

Monster

You didn't hide behind the closet

Never concealed yourself in the shadows

Hiding your truth in plain sight

Utilising your mask well, obscuring the monstrosity of your very nature

Left no one questioning, Clever little monster

Your evil soul lurked in the depths

Your kind smile deceiving well

The verbal vomit of your lies

Covering the darkness of your truth

Naive girl, how was I to tell?

Upon completion of your web

You knew you had me trapped

Those poisoned lips infected me

Planting memories inside my head

Lying wounded, slowly dying on your bed

You fed the monster that lives within you

It was I who was your prey

An unlikely weapon destroyed me

Forever fearful of mans capabilities

Life affected until the end

Hunger satisfied you buried the monster

How long down there would It stay?

Your angelic face returned

To pledge it's eternal woe

Claiming not to be the monster I had now come to know

Your venom coursed through my veins 

Destroying all sanity and intelligence

For a time the misty haze swarming my brain denied me of the truth

Clarity intact, your venom now grants me the gift of seeing the hidden monster

The monster who ate me alive but refused to swallow.

Keeping me alive, was your greatest evil.

Written today on my eleven month anniversary. Copyrighted